I gave a bachur a ride back to Yeshiva this afternoon and I took the route which most people take because it uses a main street. However, it also passes through/alongside a major college campus. Needless to say I think that I should start using the other route which I used to use when I was in Yeshiva and was looking for a "safer" route. Those were the days, when I really tried to avoid hirhurim!

As we passed a huge group of girls he commented that at least school should be almost over for the summer. I told, "No way that we get off that easy with just a few warm days. The Yetzer Hara has much more in store for us." (They have a summer semester.)

It reminds me of a thought I used to have all the time and now I realize how naive it was. When I was younger (pre by problem), I used to often get a ride with an older gentleman, in his fifties. I used to cringe when he did that thing where his head turned away from the road to watch the girls walking on the sidewalk as we road past them. He was (and still is BA"H) happily married and yet he couldn't/wouldn't control this reflex. It used to really disgust/upset me because I had no appreciation for the taivah and realized that he was controlled by it. At that time I decided that I would make sure that it didn't happen to me.

Years later, (maybe after my problem started,) I heard a tape from Rabbi Shaifer, of The Shmuz, entitled "The Master and the Slave", in which he explicitly outlined this issue and how weird/abhorrent/sad it is to watch someone who is a slave to their Yetzer Hara.

That experience of seeing this addiction in someone else together with that mussar shmuz really helped me in this area of shmiras aynayim over the years. Throughout my addiction I have remained conscious of when my head turns while driving and although I can't say I always stopped it, I certainly stopped it more because of that consciousness.

Hatzlacha to us all and even to those who are not on this forum like that gentleman, who still suffers from this reflex/addiction in his mid sixties!

P.S. 27 days down. Hope to be over 30 before my next date.

P.P.S. I have seen others claim to be addicted to this forum. I happily join them!

33 Days down (or up I guess it should be).

Hatzlacha,
needtoquit

33 up, 33 down. hey, that's better than a perfect game. It's a perfect game that went to extra innings .

gibbor120 wrote:

Thanks.

I definitely like this "up" thing better. So, 35 days up.

Yesterday, I got a really nice look in the mirror. I was working on a (much) older co-workers computer and opened his browser to look something up (Mistake #1). When I started typing in the navigation bar no suggestions showed up and I realized that he cleared his browsing history recently. (He has told me before that he heard that you should clear out your history because it can cause viruses and I was unable to convince him that it is not true.) At that point my curiosity got the better of me and I clicked "Reopen last session" (Mistake #2). I don't even know why I was curious what he was looking at.

I realized my mistake immediately as the picture of an actress under-dressed opened on a "entertainment news" website. I shut it down but can't stop thinking about the incident. Not because of my lust. B"H I wasn't triggered at all , probably because I was so appalled. I thought, "This guy is married with kids and even grand-kids and he sits at his desk with his screen facing the doorway looking at this!!! ." And then I realized, how many times did I (the old me) open such websites and articles and even worse ones.

It's scary to think that that really could be me in 40 years if I don't keep working on myself. It was like looking in a mirror and seeing just how ugly I am, was, or could become. Although, it wasn't me (this time) I realize that it could very easily be me in the future if I don't keep up the battle.

B"H life has been going well. I went on a date Monday to a park. Only after I made the plans did I realize that being Memorial Day the place would be packed with people who have a different definition of "dressed." However, B"H I was able to hold my own and not look or lust.

Hatzlacha to us all!! And may I give a bracha that all those, including my co-worker, who don't realize just what lusting does to them. May they be Zoche to realize what they are doing, find this website and change for the better!!

NTQ,
Sounds like you're doing some real work.
Wishing you continued hatzlacha!
Alex

Hi NTQ,

Thanks for that story. Eye opening! (no pun intended)

congratulations on 35 days up!!!!!


I don't know if its true for everyone, but for me I sometimes feel a morbid curiosity to find out if OTHERS look at shmutz. for me, I think its both ga'avah and the y"h.


all we can do is pray for people like your coworker.

I used to have this evil taavah of following the 90day chart and watching the guys in front of me fall off one by one until I eventualy fell

Chachaman wrote:


I feel that all the time.It's definitely gayvah for me.
Though before i came here i used to think that it really wasn't too possible that no one did it (by this i mean m***** just maybe less than me.Actually i still think that if there's a guy on an unfiltered internet then chances are he's looked at shmutz.
I think i heard a rabbi say that there's a chazaka that someone on an unfiltered internet looks at shmutz...

YEAH!

ok this post count is getting ridiculous, no more trying to beat TZ.

Aizehu ashir hasomeach b'chelko.

Next thing we know you'll try to beat Dov and we'll never hear the end of you...

Ive already got about 25 today.

(and you quite the poster boy yerself)

quality is always better than wuantity

sometimes

40 days up.

That was the good news. The bad news is that with regard to movies and TV, I'm once again reported 4-5 days of watching not just too much (anything) but more then that. I've also been very depressed though I'm not sure if it's the cause or effect. I feel like watching this stuff allows me to escape my life. I understand how unhealthy it is but it just feels like I need to do it. I feel like I really haven't hit the bottom in this issue and that any attempt I make will fail. Like I mentioned once before, quitting TV is really hard because when you do fall you then "need" to catch up on all the episodes. I would apologize for working on this struggle on this forum if not for the narishkiet from the last few posts.

Yesterday, I felt like I really was gonna (wanted to) fall. I managed to keep going and ignore the urge. But I'm a little afraid because my experience has shown that when I'm depressed I'm more likely to fall. Also, I ditched my chavrussah this morning because of my depression and movie watching. I was late for a shiur before shacharis which I was supposed to give because I woke up early and decided to watch some TV.

Sorry, for jumping all over the place in this post. I'm just writing as I think of things and don't really have time to put them in order.

Hatzlacha to us all!!