I really wish that I didn't have to write this:

Day 1 down, day 2 here we go.

I had a bad fall on Motzei Shabbos (my worst time of the week) and Sunday. (I consider it one long fall instead of the multiple short ones because I really didn't even try to pick myself up in between (and it is less depressing).)

What did I learn? For one thing I need to make it to Shacharis. "Shaiachus?", you ask. Yes I missed it for a number of days prior to falling and it (with the yetzer hara's help) had me very depressed and vulnerable. Therefore, step number one is going to sleep now so I wake up tomorrow. But, blie neder, I'll be back tomorrow to keep analyzing my fall, pre-fall, and post-fall.

Hatzlacha to us all,
Needtoquit

So, why did I fall and what have I learned? That is a tough question to deal with. Not only because it is something which we don't like to think about but also because I can give an excuse that it is erev Pesach and I'm busy and it's late and I need to wake up for Shacharis. But for my sake I need to start some time; so here it goes (not in any particular order):

• I really need to find something productive to do motzei shabbasos. That has always been my hardest time and I recently (the last year) have begun about 3/4 of my falls on a motzei shabbos. Even when I don't fall (or even slip in this area) my motzei shabbasos are awfully unproductive and even harmful with regard to TV and movies.
• I need to come up with a plan to get away from watching so much TV and movies. While I don't look for triggering content and some of it truly is "ok", it is terribly time consuming and even addictive. (As an aside, one reason why the "one day at a time" theory doesn't help me in this area is because it backfires in the sense that when I do give in, I feel the need to watch all the TV episodes which I missed.) It also puts me in front of the computer when I really don't need to be.
• I have to remind myself that as they say "The situation is never so bad that a little _____ (lusting, watching TV, procrastinating, sleeping in, etc.) can't make it worse". It truly is a powerful thought, but only if you think about it. One of the factors in my fall was the depression of erev Pesach stress, missing Shacharis and not having any friends (besides you guys). But I need to remember that falling wouldn't make me feel better just worse.
• I need to give someone else the password to my filter. I have it set up on the router and originally it took me a long time to find the settings so I wasn't worried that in my moment of weakness I'd unlock it because by the time I found the setting I would sober up enough. (And to be honest just maybe a little bit of me thought I needed a loophole in case I "really need" to fall.) It did work for a while, however, after falling a few times through that loophole I realize that clearly it is not working. (My browser even remembers the setting page's url.)

OK, I really do need to go to sleep but I hope to continue my analysis in the future.

Here we go again. 18 days and then a hard fall or maybe technically 2 because I had a clean day in between. But, I'm starting again because that is what I want and need to do.

Good! Don't give up.

Do you have a plan to prevent whatever led to the last fall from happening again?

Eli

reallygettingthere wrote:

Thanks Eli. I've been really busy and haven't gotten that far yet. I did manage to reduce my TV and movie watching significantly but I'm not sure if it will last.

Last night I had a "bad" dream even though I didn't do or see anything triggering before bed.

This morning I missed Shacharis and Daf yomi. As I said previously I need to get ahold of it because it leads to depression which leads to slips which leads to falls.

Sorry for such a depressing post but that is just how I feel. Hatzlacha to us all.

I should have update sooner but I got bogged down in various things.

I was in a bad car crash Friday. B"H I walked away without a scratch but it was a real wakeup call because it really could have (should have) been fatal. I benched gomel and went about doing some deep thinking about my life. Here are some of the things which I will blie neder do ("one day at a time" when applicable):

• Fulfil the pledge from my previous 90 journey which I have been procrastinating from doing because it is really unpleasant. (see beginning of this thread)
• Stop watching TV shows
• Say modim dirabanan from inside instead of by heart
• Keep up the hard work on this struggle
• Post to this log more often
• Just think about how truly vulnerable we are without Hashems infinite kindness

Thanks for listening

P.S. It is ironic, my father asked me if I slept alright after the accident because he was once in one and had bad dreams reliving the crash over and over again. I told him I slept ok but neglected to mention that I had indeed had a "bad" dream just not about the crash. B"H though the last few nights have been better.

P.S.S. If you think that you know who I am from this (or any other) post beware because I may have changed some details to conceal my identity. But if you still think it's me I would possibly welcome knowing someone else here and feel free to mention it to me. But please just give me time to think about it before expecting me to confirm or deny if it is really me.

we're certainly happy you're still here in a healthy state!!
KOT!!

I fell...

What more is there really to say? I started on youtube and went from bad to worse. I finally truly understand the avoiding the first sip (slip) concept. Once, I started down the path there is very little that can stop me.

But, now I start fresh. Not tomorrow, now! I will also, BL"N, work on setting up a TaPhSiC neder.

So, here is to "day one" (or as some would prefer "one day"), LeChaim.

Ok here's my update. I am still standing but I really could have and should have done better. At 11:00 I don't want to give myself and ayin hara because I still have an hour in which I could fall but I think that I'll be ok.

I am really going to try to post every day and work on some of the ideas which I had a while back and never got around to doing.

Thanks for listening,
needtoquit

So here I am finishing up day 6. It hasn't be so smooth, but ok. It is a little depressing to think how I keep slipping up after long periods without falls. Also, I paid my neder.

8 Days down.

Unfortunately, I have been watching TV and Youtube. Nothing (too) triggering but I really need to stop. The problem is I need something to help me relax sometimes and now that I don't watch p**n or mas****te I don't have an outlet other than watching clean (mostly) stuff.However I recognize that that is just an excuse and I need to stop and find something better to do like prepare for shiur tomorrow or study for my college courses.

Hatzlacha to us all!

I really understand you.

When i first tried stopping i told myself to start watching (mostly) kosher movies, disney, batman, spiderman, etc.
Then i got a filter that didn't let them through, so i started online games. and was (am) wasting a lot of time. I have realized that i need to start real living, apending time with my wife, child, real people.

It hasn't been easy, and i still have a ways to go, but at least i'm on the right path.

We all know what we really have to do, but it's not easy, go for it!!
KOT KOM!!

Pidaini wrote:

Yeah sometimes the amount of time I waste on it just boggles my mind. I (ok really the Yetzer Hara) say it's only 20 minutes but then it becomes 40 then 60 and before I know it I have wasted over an hour in which I could have should have been working, learning or otherwise being productive.

I understand the living for real idea it just isn't always easy. I live in a town with almost no other singles. Besides my parents I don't have any other really family in the area. So it makes it really hard to find someone to relate to and spend time with.

As I finished writing that excuse for my continued watching of movies and TV and lack of living for real, I realize what a hypocrite I am. Just last night I went out on my first date. One of the questions the girl asked me was how I handle the lack of a people my age in my community. I told her that because of the size of the town it is just normal to socialize with people (much) older than you. Now I realize that I'm not really doing that enough.

Either way that brings up the point of my first date. It went quite well B"H. Though I was very nervous beforehand and even after, I have settled down a little. I hope to go out again early next week. That scares me a little because I know that after that is the (potential IY"H) 3rd date in which my Rav advised I tell a prospective shidduch about my problem. He did offer to meet with us when I tell her but I don't think that it will work because she lives quite a distance away. B"H I was able to keep my mind clean and clear for most of the time there were a few brief second but I managed to push them away.

As an aside, if anyone is ever working on shidduchim, I feel it is really not right to offer the (positive) facts of the girl's appearance. If the boy asks, then what can you do, but don't offer the information. Someone told me she was "quite pretty" and instantly I have to throw my engine in reverse to stop thoughts which I could have avoided if that person hadn't said it. Yes, once I saw her, I would have said the same but by that time I had a chance to focus on other thing instead of her looks.

12 days down.

I had a date again today. The girl asked me my thoughts on watching movies. I haven't really been as ready for this dating thing in general as I should be but that one really caught me off guard. I answered truthfully (I think) and decided if this shidduch doesn't work out I never want to have to give that answer I gave today. So, I listened to The Shmuz on motivation and I'm ready for the next step. Starting now I am (Blie Neder) not watching TV or Movies by myself anymore.

I don't know if anyone actually reads this log (besides me obviously). I don't mind either way. But if you do feel free to check out the question I just asked on the Breaking Free board. Advice For Someone Telling a Date

P.S. Had a great few days because due to many things happening at once I haven't had time to even think about lusting.