First and foremost I want to thank everyone for their warm wishes upon my 90 day accomplishment. Today is day 100 for me and I would like to try and describe how I got to this point and how I think I have changed over the past 3 months.
As I wrote in on my of my first posts, I am a thirty something professional living in a large North American city. I attended several yeshivos over the years and was in yeshiva until I got married. I had been struggling with these issues from adolescence and on. Obviously the creation and popularization of the internet throughout the 90's and most recently the availability of high speed internet on hand held devices this decade was a huge challenge for me. I had some years of sobriety immediately after getting married but had not had much success these past few years.
Whats interesting, is that since finding this site in August (thanks to an article on masturbation on aish.com) I have not slipped or fallen at all. While I am obviously proud of this accomplishment I do think that this element of instant success in this area may leave me more vulnerable that some others who have had a tougher trip to 90 than I. In a way I worry that not having to dust myself off from a fall and not learning from my mistakes leaves me at a disadvantage. From reading the posts on this site, I am fully aware at how difficult people find it to reclaim the level they had reached after falling when their clean streak was in the 30 day range. I am in awe of those who have suffered such setbacks and yet have reached 90.
I am going to try and share of the items that I think played in a role in my reaching my goal of 90 days.
First and foremost while I have not read all of the attitude handbook, the one thing that i read that I found very helpful is that this yetzer horah is a challenge that hashem has sent specifically to me in order to have me work hard to refine my character. whenever I am tested, I try to internalize that hashem is challenging me and that if I am successful at this moment, that the success will be mine forever regardless of what happens the next time I am challenged.
One item I was was extremely diligent in was in guarding my eyes while walking in the street, supermarket, shul. etc. While there are stimulating images that present themselves on a regular basis I was always careful to avert my eyes as soon as I glanced at something and made sure not to take a second look. I firmly believe that in this zchus, the inadvertent viewing of these images did not impact me as much as they might have in the days where I would take a second and third look.
I am sure that you have all experienced the following scenario. You are walking down the street and see an interesting site ahead of you. Since it is up ahead you are unclear if this will be one of these images that is good from far but far from good, or if this image walking towards you will be a true beauty. when faced with this scenario, I convince myself that the image approaching me is going to be of super model quality, and that by averting my eyes to this once in a lifetime beauty I will earn tremendous reward in the world to come. In this way, I stay away from allowing myself to look at items that are only a little harmful. Instead I assume that every image is the worst of the worst, and I try to imagine the reward for passing this most difficult of test.
I am sure there is more to share and will IY'H do so as I am able to articulate it.
Good shabbos to all.
SC
