Dearest friends

I know you were looking for me and wondering where i landed
Here I am, but you wont recognize me.

Well the last few weeks have been catastrophic
I found myself feeding my impulse/gloominess about once a week
Since my membership end of summer I achieved 50 days twofold.
Failing for the second time חנוכה was more that I could tolerate

But I am inept to persist in this manner
Now that שובבי"ם is around the corner
I take on myself a new instigation

NEW RULE:
The net is strictly for business usage
No news or entertainment on the net for 2 weeks Bli Neder

Your emails to me can fill the void gap of association
Please friends do keep in touch
(Btw: I hate being the misken so to have a good kesher do tell me about yourselves too)
I will try to respond to every comment

Gut Shabbos
Your buddy
M D

Dear MDM jerusalem,

It's good to have you back. That is a sign of a true warrior. You may have fallen, but the 50 days is NOT LOST. That is SO important to understand. Do you realize how amazing that is? Twice 50 days! It took the Yidden 49 days to break free of the Tumah of Mitzrayim. At day 50 Chaza"l say "Pasku Zuhamasam" and they received the Torah. You have already TWICE purified yourself for 50 days. Twice already, another huge chunk of the Zohama was POSEK. This is not an easy struggle, but you are much more ready now than before. See what Battleworn wrote over here (the words "there is certainly more hope than before!").

To help you break free from this for good, and I know you will, I am going to ask you for one thing MD. I want you to announce here to all of us on this forum that you are accepting upon yourself now, at the beginning of Shovavim 5769, that no matter what happens, and no matter how many more times it takes, and no matter how embarrassing it feels to admit you fell, you will not give up and you will not let go of us as long as we are here for you.

To give you a boost to help you get started, see the Ohr Hachayim Parshas Acharei Mos, 18:2. On the Pasuk "Ki'masei eretz mitzrayim".

You can download it here. I highlighted in "yellow" the important parts and in "red" the most important parts.

Thank you gui for you warm welcome, every comment is very appreciated.
I hope the others will join you, in helping me.
It seems to me you dont understand the hardship in revealing a failure.
You can see that no one on the wall ever fell off, do you think they are honest with us, i doubt it.  

well to be honest i failed in my kabala
i did visit a site that prices every website which i found by googling gaurdureyes
and i searched for prices on my frequent sites like gmail, msnbc, etc
but i am stopping and wont continue bli"n, for the 2 first weeks of shovivim

MDM,

great to have you back! Stay strong! Be positive!

People are being honest with the Wall....several people, including myself have failed after significant streaks...we all came clean.

We all knew the embarrassment, the pain, the shame, the dispair, and the bewilderment that you may be feeling now.  But we did not hide or deny the fall...we came back with twice the strength, will, and determination to fight the yh.

After you've spent some time learning from your fall...FORGET ABOUT IT! Put it behind you...and only look forward!

If it wasn't hard to reveal a failure, the whole system wouldn't work. Be THANKFUL it's hard, and undertake to come clean whatever it takes. In this world, an embarressment is temporary and fleeting. And on this forum, it's even ANONYMOUS - for goodness sakes! But if you wait for the embaressment of the next world, you will wish you had ran through the streets shouting "FIRE!!" when you were still alive - maybe someone could have helped you then before it was too late...

Dear MDM, Indeed no one has fallen off the "wall of honor" yet B"H. These are people who made it to 90 days. That's for two reasons.
1) Hitting 90 days seems to help change the neuron paths in the brain and make it easier to stay clean, as the study says.
2) Anyone who makes it to 90 days is someone who takes this very seriously. And such people are less likely to fall.
However, on the "90 day" chart, many people have fallen off. I've had to remove and restart at least 10, if not 15 people, since it started a few months ago...

MDM, in your honor I want to bring the Ohr Hachayim in one of the coming Chizuk e-mails. I scanned it in and marked it especially for you, this past Motzai Shabbos. It's a very important Ohr Hachayim and helps us understand the nature of this struggle. You can download it here. I highlighted in "yellow" the important parts and in "red" the most important parts.

Stay Strong!

thanks PostalServicio for your comment
I really hope to be a good boy

MDM, welcome back. You're right that it's very hard to admit it, but keep in mind -the plain truth- that the victories are infinitely more significant than the failures.
When you act the way that you want to, it has the full impact of an action of a Jew-a tzelem Elokim and it greatly effects the whole creation. The source of the action is at the highest level of Machshava, which makes it extremely powerful (in the greatest sense of the word). [The Nefesh Hachayim explains this at length.] But when you're always fighting against it with all your might, and the menuval just managed this one time to get the upper hand, then it's like a "maaseh kof" (an action of a monkey) the menuval is just used your body but the main parts of you were not involved.
The real test is, to get back up as fast as possible and to learn the maximum that you can from the experience. If you do that, then the fall becomes nothing but a stepping stool to becoming a true Tzadik!! As the pasuk says "Rabos ra'os Tzadik" - from the many "ra'os" you become a Tzadik!

WOW GUE what an Ohr Chaim
I am still studying it
אשרינו מה טוב חלקינו
You really give the right message on the right moment
thank you again

Thanks battleworn
Do you mean to say that every good deed, being it comes from the real will, it is considered more dominant then a petty thought.

OK day 2 is passing successfully
put I expect many more battles ahead

ok day three I  am not feeling so well
and hope i wont turn to the net for fun

I also hope you won't light a big bonfire and jump in.

Feel better  ;D

Don't worry rebbe
you will use the time to strenthen others