15 days

I've found that getting enough sleep is key to keeping alert and focused, and is a big help for this struggle.

I find the same. Sleeping a reasonable amount helps me feel more balanced in the head, which is very nice. But even with the good sleep, life and sobriety work far better for me when I do not 'remain alert' or vigilant for lust threats. Rather, my goal for this day is just to remain engaged in G-d's plan for me today without distractions. Tatty's plan for me has nothing to do with the beauty of that woman standing over there (and she's not even mine!). He has a good plan for her, too, which is none of my business.

Be"H, on a good day I don't wrestle with the pigs, as you mentioned in an earlier post, too... Yaakov Avinu would never have wresteled with the malach of Eisav at all (whose symbol was the pig), had it never started up with Yaakov - "va-y'avek ish imo" (not va-ye'avku), for the y"h always starts up with us, too - "Im pogeya b'cho...". So "Rav Acha br Ya'akov's gira b'einei d'sitna" is a recipe for failure...much more for an addict than for anyone else.

Hey - continued hatzlocha, jjblue!

Thanks Dov, right on target.

Day 17

Day 18!

Chai! it sure fells good to be alive!

I slipped a bit today. I was in a hotel, and I took a quick peek at the TV in the lobby just as some (indecent - in our terms) pictures/clips were showing. I wanted to look, but I didn't, at first. My mistake was, I looked another time a few minuets later. B"h I was able to catch myself, and I closed my eyes and meditated for a few moments.
Next time I should remember not to look the first time

20 days

Thank you chevra for all the chizuk I see on everyone's threads!

Day 23

Day 27.

I've noticed that I have a big problem with fantasies. The vast majority not about lust related issues, just plain "kosher" fantasies.
In essence, for much of my life I haven't been really living my life. Just imagining it and fantasizing how it could turn out to be, in all it's different possibilities, (as a side note, this has enabled me to deal with many difficult situations, since I imagined them before they happened, see beginning of this thread).
Usually (for me), this is just an escape from the realities (both the pain & JOY) of life.

Anyone with any ideas how to help me, please feel free to post here or PM me.

Thank y'all for all your chizuk
Yossel

Dear Yossel, You asked, so:
http://www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-Wall-of-Honor/12078-Me3s-giving-it-a-shot-(For-the-unpteenth-time-but-1st-time-here)?limit=15&start=105#200075And:

Well, you pointed out how youi have used fantasy as a coping mechanism, and that's something a lot of people never see. But you say that the fantasizing is a problem, withdrawing or distracting you from real living. Can you clarify in what ways it is a problem for you now? Why don;t you want it any more? Here's why I ask...

My experience with the 12 steps is so different than religion/the mussar approach, in this respect. The steps (or program) do not 'recognize' anything as 'immoral', in itself. Rather, the steps are only about taking steps that work regarding the things that the individual finds problematic. This is why unmanageability is on the 1st, and why the 6th step (to truly have had enough of this defect of character and be finally ready to abandon it) is absolutely necessary for any 7th step (asking G-d to remove it) to be used. You can recognize the heck out of self-destructive attitudes or beliefs - until I can and do truly surrender them, I do not really need them to go. They are still useful (or I feel they are).

In the same way, so many of us have written on GYE "I have begged with all my heart for Hashem to remove my desire for this ugly issur!" - well, why did it not work? I am not privy to that, but my own experience tells me that one reason it did not work for me and others is simply because we were (unintentionally) lying to G-d. Only our conscience was speaking - not us as a whole entity. The RMCh"L liked to quote the passuk "Yacheid l'vavi l'yir'ah Sh'mecha". The pasuk says so much. To integrate the self as both body and neshomah (the two parts of the heart) is a great deal of what tikkun is all about - and that is not what addiction recovery means to me. Yet for me, an adict, working the program is the essential Derech Eretz part of that - the hakdomah to tikkun: self-honesty!

For we are not neshomas walking around, but people. As long as we are busy living in fantasy land, chasing madreigos that are not integrated into the self, we are not working honestly, and this may be where 'holy fantasy' wreaks the most damage. Sometimes we need to take baby steps. It is the body that does at least half the act of praying. So if the body (my heart and motivations) still truly views porn and erotica as precious and necessary for my survival - then the prayer is actually a lie. It's 'wishing', in prayer form. Sounds really good - but there is nothing really there. Ratzon is everything - nut the ratzon is twisted. Such prayer may yet work - but it's chances are not very good. In fact, giving us what we ask for then, might just terrify us. [I had that experience about 8 years before my recovery started and just ran back to acting out.]

So as a tool here, you can try to use sharing with other safe people - or at least use your pen by writing it down ("koneh" lecho chaver, let your reed be as a friend to you) - to increase your self-honesty. It's a good start.

Thank you Dov for your response.

It is unclear to me exactly what you wanted from that other post of yours.

You want to know how fantasy is currently a problem for me. For example, I learn in yeshiva and produce many chaburas and other torah, but I usually don't write them down. I imagine how they should be said, and I say them over to at least several people, I imagine how they should be written and I often rewrite them, in my imagination, numerous times! Yet they rarely ever get written down. I could probably write several sefarim, if I actually wrote anything! In this example, there is a benefit and a detriment in my fantasies. The benefit is, that I come up with many chiddushim and polish them (and on the very rare occasions when I do write them down, they usually come out very good). The detriment is that, since it is all so real in my mind, I never write them down!
Another example, as I mentioned earlier, my wife passed away a while back. She was very ill for quite some time (at least in proportion to how long I knew her). Throughout her illness things got better some of the time, and worse at other times. Almost immediately after her initial diagnosis, I played out all the possible different outcomes in my mind, including her death, which is what ultimately happened. Because of this, (I believe), although I was devastated when she did pass on, as chazal say ain isha maisah ela leba'ala, I didn't feel it as deeply as I had imagined it, I think because I had already experienced it, as reality, in my imagination.

As far as the rest of your post, I'm really not sure what you mean.

Gotcha, thanks.

Take 2:
jjblue13 wrote:

and



So the meta-goal is and to start looking for the woman Hashem has for you soon, after being clean for 90 days. And you wrote about the frustration u r having with fantasies.

Is there a connection? I ask because you referred to the fantasy thing as "a big problem", so I figured it may have a connection to 'the big issue'. Or is the fantsy problem mainly just a delay in fully accomplishing some smaller goals in your life, etc. Just another annoying bad habit...or both?

More directly, do you think the fantasy tendency (which is not very unique) is delaying your moving on to a new life stage and looking for a wife? These things are very hard to do - though they may not be hard to start. What do you think?

No need to answer anything here - I have no desire to know any of the answers, it's just for you to use if you want to, Yossel.

- Dov

Thank you Dov for your insightful response.
You certainly gave me food for thought.

Day 29

Hope it was clearer.

Yes it certainly is.

40 days!