I have been struggling since I was 12 (maybe even 11) on level 2 or so.
I was able to see my neighbor's pool from my bed room window, and from there started the fantasies. It wasn't so bad before I got married & I thought that marriage would solve the problem.
It didn't. When I got married, slowly it got worse and I started using internet p*** (my wife need internet). Even though we had a filter, I was able to work around it (I have since blocked all sites except this one and my friend has the password).
Since my wife passed away (there is no option for "widowed" in the marital status) it got worse, especially the last 3 months. Until I found out about this site from an article on aish.com when I was looking for inspiration after a particularly hard day.
Browsing on the forum I worked up the courage to speak to my Rebbe. He gave me some tips, but he said, "They really got it right over there."
I cannot delay (re)marriage much longer (with the guidance of my Rebbe) but I have decided to make it my goal to be clean for 90 days (at least before I get engaged).

--Yossel

Welcome then.

I am sorry your wife passed away.

Just to share a thought I had at Shachris today.

We say in the Yehi Ratzon at the end of Shmone Esrei, "Vsatzileinu myeitzer Horo" simply put, its asking Hashem to save us from the y"h to begin with, "Please Hashem, don't let us get involved" as "Dov" writes if you wrestle with a pig you might win but you"ll be awfully dirty.

Welcome jjblue13,

Hatzlacha rabbah in your 90-day quest and in your re-marriage quest.
May you share with us happy news.

Hatzlacha

MT

At Dov's request, and for the benefit of the Chevra here, I'm posting an exchange we had.

Dear Yossel,

Sorry to read of your loss. I am the "Dov" you refer to(...but my name really is Dov!). Hope you don't mind me asking, just to know each other a bit better: Were you married long? How ever did you cope with a loss like that?

And on a totally different vein: in what way did your acting out the lust get worse? Meeting other people? Internet relationships? Or 'just' more varied or frequent masturbation?

I can relate, that's why I'm asking. No need for shame, jus twhat you are comfortable with...no pressure at all of course.

- Dov

Dear Dov,
One line in one of your responses to "MBJ" No wonder also, that in my early years of our marriage my two main complaints about my wife were that she is not spiritual enough and not erotic enough! They are two sides of the same coin for a person who can't tolerate normal or average. Poor girl just coulndn't compete. really spoke to me because I also am a very spiritual person (although I don't think I ever verbalized these things to her, I certainly felt them).

To answer your questions in order: we were married more than and (& in spite of my issues - I didn't realize it at the time) we had a very close, emotionally intimate relationship.
One thing (there aren't many) I regret, is that I never discussed these issues with her, mostly because I didn't realize the extent of the problem! She was a wise, supportive wife who would have for sure stood behind me the whole way.

It was very difficult at the time, though time does heal.
Chazal say that a man should wait 3 regalim before remarrying, I believe this is to allow him time to heal. Perhaps my struggle got worse because of the loneliness and pain.

I never met other people neither was I involved in any other relationships. Before I got married my main struggle was with fantasies. I have a very fertile and vivid imagination and I would day dream (and night dream as well!) about all sorts of things, which led to z"l although I usually didn't masturbate intentionally. I didn't have access to the Internet at all so this was mostly from looking at catalogs etc. After I got married, my wife needed the internet so we had it and i didn't 'discover' things until much later. But I began masturbating when she was tamei. In retrospect, I believe she sensed that I was with her only, or at least mostly, for myself and she didn't appreciate that. After she passed away, the filter was never good enough. That was until I had my friend, who has had the code since my wife passed away, block every thing except here.

Thank you MT
& Hatzlocho to you too!

A strategy that has worked for me in the past.
When I walk down the street, I try not to get triggered. So aptly put by many in these forums "the first look is on Hashem, and the second look is on ME". So to help myself from taking that second look, I started "paying" myself $20 each time I didn't look. This money was put aside immediately in a special envelope, to be used for something special that I normally can't afford.

The first time I tried this strategy, I "earned" $500. That was this past Elul. It was helpful to start breaking the habit, but without all the other tools available here, I (inevitably) fell, Even when I was working my program!

Now that I'm working on 90 days (one day at a time!). I decided to start with that again, & today I "earned" myself $20!! I'm not going to get down on myself that it's "only" $20. Anything is an improvement!

I think this is the kind of 'positive reinforcement' that we are told to do with our kids, but sometimes we need it for ourselves as well!!

Last night I dreamed I had a fall, and when I woke up, I saw there was z"l.

Is this considered a fall? If anyone knows please let me know.

This has been discussed many many times. It is definitely not considered a fall. Just ignore and go forward (i.e. keep on trucking).

Hatzlacha

MT

Thank you MT

And thanks again for the encouragement.

9 days

Earned myself $100!!

Seems I don't look around in the street as much as I thought I did. Maybe it was that every time I looked, I would get caught up in fantasies, and that would take over my mind. This liberating feeling is definitely worth it! Now I can concentrate on a Tosfos (and acquiring that is much more pleasurable than all this kind of stuff.)

jjblue13 wrote on 05 Dec 2012 15:09:

A few years ago when I was lurking around here, I saw someone post that they are sort of proud when they have a dream. They view it as their yetzer can't get them when they are awake, so they have to resort to while they are sleeping.

I just view it as messy, but I thought the perspective was interesting.

MBJ wrote on 06 Dec 2012 21:31:


It is an interesting idea. Thank you.

I slipped today. I was trying out some apps on my phone that I never tried before, (all the obvious ones are blocked, my friend has the password), and one has a link to user uploaded content, and not everything there is so kosher, but as soon as I realized where this was going, I shut it off. Mainly because I didn't want to have to start my chart again. (Metoch shelo lishmah! But at least it works!)
All the while my y"h was saying "why don't you just look (and you don't need to do z"l) now and start again tomorrow". It took a lot to say "NO!", but it certainly is worth it.

Another tool that helps me when I start with fantasies, is meditation. The type that helps me the most is focused meditation, for example I meditate on a few words from davening that are special to me. I think the fact that I'm not chasing the thoughts away, but rather bringing different thoughts in their place, is why it is so successful.

Every now and then I wonder if I might enjoy meditation. Do you think I could learn how to do it by reading this book?

www.amazon.com/Meditation-and-the-Bible-ebook/dp/B008HTFMMC/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

It might be worthwhile to read Aryeh Kaplan's Jewish Meditation: A practical guide it's less esoteric and more practicle

A nice Chanukah vort I heard yesterday.
Why did Chazal institute the Yom tov of Chanukah around the miracle of the oil and not the war? The war wasn't even over for a long while (aprox 25 years) after the miracle of the oil? Even in Al Hanissim we don't make mention of the oil at all only the war, and we spend a lot of time on it, more than by Purim?

A beautiful answer from my Rebbe:
If Chazal would have made the Yom tov in commemoration of the war, wich certainly was a miracle, it would have led us to dwell on it and eventually we would have said, "We must be good strategists" etc. We wouldn't have seen Hashem's help as much anymore. Therefore Chazal institutied the Yom tov in commemoration of the OIL and that is something wich is clearly from Hashem, and we will therefore extrapolate to the war that the war was only won because Hashem was fighting for us.
I think we can apply this to us: The Gemora in succa says that in the future when Hshem will "kill" the y"h, he will be laid out in front of the tzadikim and reshaim. To the tzadikim he will appear as a huge mountain, and to the reshaim he will appear as a thin thread. And both will cry. The reshaim it's obvious, they couldn't overcome such a small thing! But the tzadikim, why are they crying?
One answer I heard is their whole lives they were winning the battle. They thought that is was their own strength that was doing it for them. But now they see how tremendous the y"h really is, they realize that it was only with Hashem's help that they succeeded! And they realize that they were fooling themselves their entire lives!
Now what about those who did teshuva (like us over here, hopefully)?
There is another answer I heard. The tzdikim are crying from joy. they relize how close they were to falling so many times yet, with Hashem's help, they didn't.
I think we too, will be crying from joy. We used to be caught in that thin thread ("just this one time" is the y"h's constant refrain), then Hashem opened our eyes to the fact that it is REALLY only a thread. Only one day at a time (or 1 minuet) is really only a thread! and we now realize that it is only with the help of Hashem that we accomplish anything! So we cry from JOY!

AH LICHTIGE CHANUKAH TO ALL!