cordnoy wrote on 23 Sep 2019 19:14:

In addition to being commendable, correct me if I'm wrong, reading peoples stories is one of the very powerful tools of GYE ( I think aa is into stories too)

I had an epiphany. At least I think I did. I need to write it down because I am forgetting it and that would be a shame. 
So some history:
Came to GYE, did the appropriate al chets. Blamed all problems in my marriage on myself, became a good little soldier and patiently awaited for the reward I so deserved (my wife's tender love and appreciation). But the reward never came, a year two years. I was clean of porn and masturbation mostly was mostly keeping my eyes clean in the street but still no reward. There must be some mistake here. I read all the comments how some husband would wash the dishes once a week and his wife was so much nicer. Here I was watching the kids doing laundry dishes etc etc and not pressure for sex and still no reward. So obviously I got angry at my wife, at Hashem. I mean what more could be expected to do. Since my wife wasn't keeping her end of the bargain and neither was Hashem how could I be expected to not act out, after all I have basic human needs

cordnoy wrote on 01 Nov 2016 16:27:

Mbj. Great honest moment.
Sounds like  you got stuck on the highway with gev and cord

MBJ wrote on 05 Mar 2020 18:03:

Sorry.
Welcome back good friend.
My "reward" came after about three years.
It also came, I believe, after I stopped waitin'/expectin' it to come.

Godspeed!

Yes cordnoy, you are as usual absolutely correct. While for me it has been a lot longer than 3 years, I also know that despite my saying and even believing on some level that sex is optional and that I won't die if I don't get it, but I still deep down really really wanted it and expected it. Just keep behaving and you will get the reward. But month after month and year after year, and every so often a very awkward conversation with the Mrs and still nothing. 
So I would daven for relief, daven for "shalom bayis", ask Hashem why is he punishing me so much, because the pain and frustration is very very real and very very acute. But still year after year no progress, just me and my hand sometimes less frequently sometimes more frequently, sometimes with self loathing afterwards and sometimes with apathy, but never really feeling satisfied. 
But then I had a different thought. You see I always had thus nagging notion in my mind. Why daven for this. I have an issue with davening in general that I don't understand. The general amidah requests I view as affirmations that all that I  have and will ever have come from Hashem, but I feel kind of stupid asking for sex, I mean if I deserved to have it, it would happen. Also the view of all this as a large unending punishment also never sat well with me. I remember I once heard someone say that it is not so healthy to take all the misfortune we have and say oh I deserve this punishment, while it might be true it is also the negative side of the coin. Better to look at the positive side.
Now after all that, I still can't say that I remember where this thought came from, but here it goes: HASHEM HAS FREED ME FROM SEX. BH I have a bunch of wonderful children so I have been mekayem the mitzva of pru urvu. My wife has absolutely no interest in Ona'ah, so I am patur from that obligation. So what that means is I have no reason anymore that I need to think about sex. Hashem has freed me from it.
Now I don't know if I am just deluding myself, but the Tefilla of "Thank you Hashem for freeing me from sex, please help me use this new found freedom to get closer to you" has a mich better ring to it than any of my other tefilos. And frankly when I had this thought I suddenly had a deep peace descend on me like I haven't felt in a long time. 
However I am flesh and blood and this feeling is fading, being replaced by my animal thoughts. Furthermore as soon as I thought that epiphany, in crept to my head and maybe if I behave I can have sex again. I realized that based on that one day at a time won't work, I have to truly believe and except that I am done with sex. Now of course if my wofe changes her tune then mine has to change as well. (I almost erased that line, but it it was just so powerful showing how I can't expunge the expectation of if I behave I will get my reward) 
And all that is why I had to post it here. To give these fleeting thoughts and emotions some weight so they won't just fly away. 

Hi MBJ,
Good to have you back posting, you are a true inspiration. Don't have much to say other than good to have you here! 

MBJ wrote on 05 Mar 2020 21:11:

So well said.
And by the way just because I responded to you about my reward after several years doesn't mean that I'm living the free life like you wrote above, but in reference to your initial post I responded. And yes, like always, my heart goes out to you, it's highly unusual what you're going thru and God should give you strength.

Hello. Shana Tova to all the good people on GYE.