A sad or happy point.

At this point in my recovery I have been able to strip bare all the romance and appeal to act out, with porn and masturbation. (There is one form that still holds the thrill, I am working on it.) I get almost no joy from it. I see it for what it is. It is a sham, a tease, a lie. I masturbated a few weeks ago and there was no joy no relief. Just the idea of, way to go idiot.

So that is good it helps me prevent taking sips or slips because I see it for the emptiness it is.

The sad part is I don't care. I want it anyway. I was listening to an AA lecture by Bob D. He was saying how when he would drink he was always thinking that somehow he would get back to the old days when drinking was still fun. He would never get there, but he always had that hope. I completely related to that. I want to act out with porn with masturbation. I know it will leave me cold, but somewhere deep ibside I am yelling just do it. It will feel great, just like it used to. You can still find that contentment and oblivion, just give it a chance.

Just a question ad to which voice I listen to.

MBJ wrote:


That's perhaps what this paragraph means: And do you know what it was that I wanted out of acting out? Acting out promised that if I could just get rid of "me" long enough, then in that quiet, I would somehow finally be "me."

That is the insanity we addicts have. Knowing it is wrong, it will hurt, it will be hell, but doing it anyway. And I have the same thing, everything is ok, I am ok, my family is ok, my job is great and even my friends start to like me again, I am not depressed and then I think, ok just one little peak, just a bit of nudity.

But hey, hey, what the ..., I need some other medicine, I still want to feel the pain of others, I want to look them in the eye and be me, I am powerless just for today, just for today, just for today, just for today.

There is this great story that I heard on Youtube on the NA testimonial, the gorilla story. They tell it better than I ever can, but anyhow the main point is somehow like, that giving into our addiction is like wrestling with a gorilla, it ain't over until the gorilla says its over.

So leave just for today, I ain't fighting the gorilla, I give up. Today, just today.

I thought I had a real good rosh hashannah davening. I tried to really focus on making Hashem my melech, pouring my heart out to Him, taking the amidah slowly and talkincg to Him word by word. At the same time I had some major lusting after my wife. I had to surrender it quite a few times and still ended up with a wet dream last night.

I don't know if that says something bad about my recovery or my avodas Hashem, or both or neither. But I do have this niggling feeling that I am still too much about me. The rational, subconscious though it may be that I had a great teffilah look at me. Now I deserve some TLC from my wife.

MBJ wrote:


It is good that you're able to put to pen what is truly going on inside your head.

Now, for the difficult part......

cordnoy wrote:


I don't even know of that is the problem. I am just guessing right now. Though of course removing selfishness is always a good goal. I also happen to be very narcissistic and I can't help but taking pride in my tefillah, which if you think about it, is beyond absurd and the height of hypocrisy.

BH tonight was better. Some lusting, but more manageable. I had a good talk with Hashem this afternoon. It helped a lot.

MBJ
Great to hear u r doing better. Yes,we all deserve TLC from our wives!!!

aryehdovid85 wrote:


Shhh! Don't say that too loud. I may actually believe it. Then I will be back where I started.

I used to have a mantra that I stopped using, but I realized I have to start it up again.

Eli, no one cares what you want or think you deserve so shut up and do your job.

It works wonders for me when I start getting too self-pitying.

personally, i can never go into such thinkin'.
It will send me spirallin' down the twin hyenna holes of.....

cordnoy wrote:


Which one? That no one cares? Funny, because that thought is very calming for me. Gives me real serenity.

To each their own screwed up mind

MBJ wrote:


No; the one that we need or deserve tlc from our wives (plural?).
I don't deserve diddly.

Oh yea, me too. Sends me to very very bad places.

I hate writing these posts.

Erev Shabbos 20 minutes to lichtzeit and i was going to shower. But on the way I had this wonderful idea. Seemed like the best idea in the world. Made total sense. There was nothing that made more sense to me. So I did it. Well once I did that, I just had to masturbate. I just had to.

Of course not 1 second after I was done there was no afterglow of coming down from my high. There was no high. Just disappointment and disgust. How can I be fooled so easily. I was in a rotten mood the rest of the night.

Where is the guy who went almost 2 years clean? Where did he go? The guy who I am now folds with the slightest breaze. I have stopped fighting when it really counts. I don't stop to think. I don't ask for help, I just give in.

It sounds tough MBJ, reminds me of myself. But as various SA people have told me in the past, "you're an addict, get over it". we will do things that don't make sense. we will give in when we don't want to, but we are powerless, what can we do? we need to seek out our higher power to save us. i know for me that i don't fight anymore, the last time i tried it lasted about 35 seconds, literally. so that means if i am not connected i fall HARD because i don't have the fight in me anymore, i just can't do it. but if i am connected then he keeps me sober.

much hatzlacha.