MBJ wrote:


I mean: if I call someone for help when I want to think about sex, is that like calling G-d when you surrender?

I recently went through a day that I was busy at work with torah shiurim on my headphones all day. It was a beautiful calm day with little mental traffic.

For me all my sexual experiences are selfish, but not really abusive. Either way it puts me in a place of extreme disfunction, to the point that I can't even imagine what a normal healthy sexual experience is.

hwhap@gmx.com wrote:


I view that slightly differently. Calling someone is a way of airing out your problem. So many times what seems like the biggest issue in the world, when exposed to the light will get real proportion. Then it can seem small or even commical. That is the power of phoning a friend, getting perspective.

Surrender for me is telling myself that I don't need this thing. My life can go on and in fact be better without it.

MBJ wrote:


When I read your post above I couldn't help but think that when you go to sexaholic anonymous meetings you can get some real love. I've been to some. I have to say I never felt closer to someone than to the men there. I think there is a mishna that talks about the love of David and Yonasan, so there may be such a thing as a special love between friends. I think I'm very far from that, I've pushed away all my friends, and I don't tend to make new ones, but sometimes I'm helpful to others.

Still reading your thread ...

MBJ wrote:


That's interesting. I don't allow my wife to apply pressure on me in this area. I can't control what she does, for example whether she wants to stay married or not. I do have control over the choices that I make, and I can choose whether to go to sexaholic anonymous meetings, or web sites, therapy, whatever. With due consideration for her schedule.

You sound like you are really concerned about respecting your wife enough. You already respect her plenty, you don't need to prove that you respect her, and winning the olympics of respect is not going to fix any intimacy problems.




Just some thoughts here, colored by my own family life:

As long as you fundamentally feel you need her to stay clean, she'll feel under pressure and it will turn her off. Tashmish becomes a chore, it turns her off. As long as you believe something is missing, she knows that and pressure is on for her. There's a flip side to that though. Women like to impress men with how good they look, whether or not they want to admit it, and she has to be sensitive.

I think that a woman wants tashmish even more than the man does, but, like us, it has to be just right. You turn her off because of who you are today. If you change for the better you'll stop turning her off and she'll come looking for you.

I also wouldn't put a lot of weight on the conversation you recounted above. She's right, at the moment there's no sexual chemistry because your thoughts turn her off. Change yourself and she'll be sitting in your lap.

hwhap@gmx.com wrote:


Doesn't compare to what is supposed to be with wife.

hwhap@gmx.com wrote:


If you would know MBJ, you would know that he was doin' that just for respect and for lovin' and for shalom bayis; not for intimacy. Many wives say similar and it is a tough struggle, for some of us men need the groups for sobriety.

hwhap@gmx.com wrote:


I am sorry Mr. Hwgapqx, but you are way out of line here.

Perhaps you are right. I'll take it under consideration.

cordnoy wrote:


I think I am all out of observations anyway, but you're right, I am a bit rough around the edges.

hwhap@gmx.com wrote:


but on the other hand, it looks like youre tryin' to help, and MBJ responded (to you I believe) that you may be right, so perhaps I will take a backseat.

I just thought it was presumptuous for you to say that he should fix himself and she will sit in his lap, for MBJ has been a model citizen for many many months, and perhaps years, and he has had no (ZERO) relations in that time, so while the advice may be good for me or for others, i didn't think it was proper to him (although he is strugglin' now).

I was just being politely dismissive. Sorry for the confusion. The fact is maybe he is right maybe not. I don't know and I don't care. What I do know is giving a lust addict advice on how to turn his wife into a sex kitten is poison for me. That will lead to hope to fantasy to disappointment and to struggles. We all know hope is the dirtiest four letter word of them all.

What I should know, which I forgot for a time is that it doesn't matter and it is completely out of my control. I have to surrender to Hashem and trust in Him and live my life accordingly. The rest is up to Him.

MBJ wrote:


I completely agree, but maybe the implication wasn't clear. I certainly don't mean that you should adopt some phony behavior that will make her a sex kitten. I do mean that if you get past your problem (perhaps by plugging in to SA, so to speak) she will want to sit in your lap. But when she is sitting in your lap you'll be thinking about anything other than sex. But after a while you will also have the intimacy (without sex) that you want.

Hope it's clearer now, I apologize for the confusion.

shomer bro wrote:
[/b][/i][/u]
what I great idea.. a virtual hug...gevaldig.I'm sending one out to all who need one... Thanks SB for the idea

I just fell. Got to 10 days. I was doing fine for 8 days. Surrendering every thought and emotion and action that was dangerous to me. It felt great. But the last two days I have neen plagued by a growing lust. I gave in. Not because I had to but because I felt what is the point in not. I could have stopped but I knew that I would be back an hour later fighting again. No relief, just the same nagging urge. So I had a feeling of yiush and I stopped fighting. Of course it solves nothing. It just takes a bit of the edge of lf the nagging urge. So frustrating. I was feeling so good. Now, not so much.

One other thing. My preschooler is in love with his teacher. Everyday he talks about how pretty she is and how pretty her clothes, shoes hair snd nails are. He is so young it means nothing. But it scares me so badly. Everytime he does I say a tefillah to Hashem. Please don't let him be sick like me.