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GYE

Forum for Jewish Men

On the Way to 90-Days

My Story - Reallygettingthere

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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

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TOPIC: My Story - Reallygettingthere 46679 Views

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 23 Oct 2012 23:38 #146557

reallygettingthere	Hard to believe I hit day 25. :D Thank you Hashem Thank you Hashem Thank you Hashem Thank you Hashem Thank you Hashem Thank you Hashem Thank you Hashem Thank you Hashem

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 23 Oct 2012 23:53 #146558

reallygettingthere	This is kind of scary but I feel like i really want the porn back in my life. I feel like something is missing. (I guess this shows how "arreingetun" I was in the schmutz) I don't feel like I'm about to fall but the feeling of wanting it back is clearly with me

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 24 Oct 2012 00:02 #146559

reallygettingthere

never mind i just found more guidance from the ever inspiring Dov HaTaaddik

dov wrote on 23 Oct 2012 22:18:

Addicts in recovery have no need to see good and bad about their drug of choice. It is just plain stupid. Who eats poison? Who touches fire? Idiots do.

And this is for a very simple reason. See, for years we have been saying to ourselves - not with words or conscious beliefs, but with out hearts and actions: "this naked woman is the true gold! This sex fantasy is the true s'choirah!" We repeat acting out over and over so much because we are machshiv it so much - it is so valuable and precious to us. That's why we treat it that way: we keep it secret (tzniyus), we do it over and over (tmidus), we spend money and take risks for it (mesiras nefesh), and we do not give it up. This is not our 'philosophy'. It is just a fact in us. It is yekarah mipninim to our bodies and hearts. And the sooner we get over the shame and the shock and admit that to ourselves to other safe people and to Hashem, the better. If one is truly an addict, he or she must quit blaming it on "the Yetzer Hora" (which is really just a way to blame it on Hashem) and start accpeting the truth about their broken hearts.

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 24 Oct 2012 13:54 #146578

Machshovo Tova
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reallygettingthere wrote on 23 Oct 2012 23:53:

This is kind of scary but I feel like i really want the porn back in my life. I feel like something is missing. (I guess this shows how "arreingetun" I was in the schmutz)

I don't feel like I'm about to fall but the feeling of wanting it back is clearly with me

The folowing is from the GYE handbook:

The pain we feel when not looking is not really our pain at all. It is the pain of the Yetzer Hara in his "death throes". He is screaming that we are hitting him hard. So we can actually enjoy the pain! We are feeling the pain of our enemy as he gets weaker!

Chazak ve'ematz!

MT

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 24 Oct 2012 15:19 #146584

reallygettingthere	Thanks. I'll keep in in mind

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 26 Oct 2012 04:09 #146751

reallygettingthere	Day 28 BARUCH HSAHEM!! Thank you all for the chizuk!! -Eli

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 26 Oct 2012 10:26 #146757

dont give up	Wow! you're really getting there!!! keep it up!

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 29 Oct 2012 17:34 #146883

reallygettingthere	Day 31 ;D (don't let your guard down, gotta keep busy...)

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 30 Oct 2012 16:30 #146925

mr. emunah Current streak: 121 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1139 Karma: 42	Hey RGT, Congrats on 1 month! here's an idea my Rab told me, that each day say one perek of tehilim (prefebly with kavana) starting from aleph an moving onwards as a shmira. Good luck P.S. the best way oput of trouble is just to stay busy! ;D

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 31 Oct 2012 00:11 #146965

reallygettingthere	Thanks mr. emunah Amen to keeping busy!

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 02 Nov 2012 17:03 #147129

reallygettingthere	Day 35. I had an interesting conversation with myself today. The yetzer hora identified a trigger which told me to fall. I found myself saying, "wait a second. The ta'ava is clear but do I have the strength to resist? I feel like I do, so lets save a fall for a situation that's really not in my control"

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 02 Nov 2012 17:49 #147135

Dov
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Then fight and move on with real life, chaver. Real life is good, believe it or not. That is not just a kitch thing I am writing, but a deep truth that took years for me to come to believe. It is far from poshut, and way more relevant than Torah and Mitzvos. For Derech Eretz kodmah laTorah is the truth, not just a cute saying.

A man who come to ask you to help him be a ba'al teshuvah by teaching him Torah - but is not wearing pants - needs you to tell him to get some pants on and come back. You do not sit down and start teaching him alef beis yet. Same here.

Hey - you are so right. Now fight and live, and smile, chaver!

Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 04 Nov 2012 21:47 #147196

reallygettingthere

dov wrote on 02 Nov 2012 17:49:

It's hard to believe how long it's taken for this message to get into my thick skull, but it's making progress.

Speaking of Etz Chaim (http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=5757.msg147195#msg147195), the only thing I know from R' Chaim Vital is that the reason middos are not part of taryag is that middos are a prerequisite for being m'kayaim the Torah. Without self control we will be unable to fulfill what the Hashem want from us.

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 05 Nov 2012 15:36 #147225

Machshovo Tova OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1230 Karma: 26	As R' Dov keeps pointing out: Derech eretz kodmoh leTorah. MT

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 05 Nov 2012 17:33 #147231

Dov
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Baby-steps; Easy does it.
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Unfortunately, we are all so very strongly encouraged by the 'party line' to play ben-Torah as soon as we begin to play Derech Eretz well enough. The yeshivos and rabbonim do it - and they should! For that's OK for normals. Being a pretend-mentch is definitely good enough for regular Jews (the overwhelming majority). What - are we supposed to only allow tocho-kebaro people into the Beis Midrash like Rabban Gamliel? But when we addicts try to do that, it is a catastrophe. We recover by getting a gift of some real haracter, some real integrity, some real emunah, and some real loving. Otherwise, as long as we don't really have any of that we can be totally frum to all appearances (even our own) and our drug of choice runs the show. I know this, because in my addiction I am incredibly pathetic.

So for those who are digging their way out, I pray we do not see some relief from sex with ourselves and porn use...and then run to fantasy religiosity right away. For it will not be real yet. If I learned anything from recovery as a frum Jew, it is that the yiddishkeit I practiced as a flaming hypocritical lying and hiding addict cannot possibly be the exact same yiddishkeit I practice in recovery. It just can't.

If it is - if the Teshuvah feels the same, the davening feels the same, and the ben odom lachaveiro feels the same...then my sick motivations are also the same. It cannot work. And my very yiddishkeit will draw me inexorably back into porn, resentment, pride, masturbation, and all the old garbage, eventually. It collapses under it's own weight.

Was that too cynical for public consumption?