Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting and I was debating if I should for a while. I tried to go through the 90 days on my own but I wasn't too successful so I decided to try it again, this time letting everyone know where i'm holding.

Just a bit about myself, I am a bochur (part time in yeshiva) of marriageable age, and I have being struggling with this addiction since i was 14. It started off with reading articles then went on to pictures and eventually videos. I would "act out" about once a week or sometimes more if I wasn't so busy or if I wasn't in my routine. I am always filled with guilt and regret after "acting out". I tried stopping but the addiction usually got the better of me.

I stumbled, B'H, upon GYE in January and read their handbook and other articles. It really hit me hard how can I build a true relationship with someone while being in such shmutz. So I started the 90 days and kept up for a good 30 days, but then I fell. After that I would fall usually once a week or sometimes I managed to pull off two. After one clean day I feel like the struggle is gone and forget that I'm working on it. Then I would just fall again when the feelings come back the week later. I got frustrated with not being able to "just do it" so I sorta spiraled down and stopped working on it.

Now I am pretty low but I think if I put myself to it with Hashem's help I will be able to pull myself out of this mess and try to keep above even though I know there will always be that struggle.

I'll try to update everyone every day or two.

Thanks in advance,

Kovesh

You can do the twelve step program, that is one option. It works, but you will always think of yourself as an addict.

If you learn cognitive therapy skills you can actually change. You can read "Feeling Good" by David Burns. To give you a taste, try the following techniques:

1. Once a day picture yourself in twenty years looking back on your life. Will you feel good having used dirty pictures for so long?

2. Picture yourself going to shul Shabbos morning. Imagine that you never masturbate. It will feel good being one of the tzadikim in the community.

3. Every time you feel powerless to fight your lust think the following to yourself (do not say it):

Telling myself that I am powerless does not make it okay for me to lust.

The feeling does not grow by itself. It is not a time bomb. I cannot become aroused further unless I choose to think of something lude. If I focus on other things later I will turn around and the feeling will be gone.

I am not more powerless to think of something lude when I am very aroused. I am at no less fault in that case.

4. When you feel like having lude thoughts start doing something you enjoy. Be prepared to improvise and think out of the box. For example, learning may not necessarily be something you enjoy. You might enjoy a drink, or talking to a friend, or listening to music.

Welcome Kovesh! Like Guard says "Tzuras Rabbim Chatzi Nechama", we're all in the same boat here and that's what makes this such an awesome place. We all know the feelings you're experiencing and are rooting for you.
יה"ר שחפץ ה' בידך תצליח

Welcome! Stick around. Post.

Meir

Thanks guys!

Day 1,

Thank G-d today went just fine, and I didn't have much of a struggle. I think it's because i'm excited about starting over so it didn't bother me too much. I did manage to spend a few hours out of the house learning with a friend which helped out a bit.
I'm just kinda worried that the excitement will ware off soon and i'll forget that I'm struggling and end up falling again .
Any advice?

Be well,

Kovesh

Hi,

i think you are on the right path. Post your troubles, your thoughts and your struggles. Just getting all the pain and frustration out, is a healing process.
It's a mayor step that you just made: you introduced yourself. And you are now among brothers:

TehillimZugger wrote on 13 Aug 2012 10:20:


So, I am writting these lines also for me: keep posting ;D

So keep on trucking.

All the best to you!!!
Yehoshua

kovesh wrote on 14 Aug 2012 03:10:

Sure, stick around here and KOP, you won't forget you're struggling...

V'Lo zachar Sar HaMashkim eth Yoseph, va'yishkakheihu, the Meforshim explain, he made no action to remember, and that's what lead him to forget...

Shalom alecha, Kovesh!

chazzak veematz!

waiting for updates.

Day 2-3:

Just got to level 1!

Things are going B'H pretty good. I'm trying to keep myself busy without going on the internet too much. I set up a couple chavrusa's to learn with and that's also keeping me a bit more occupied.

unfortunately earlier today I was on the internet doing nothing and before I knew it i was searching some inappropriate things but B'H something came up that I needed to take care of so I stopped before I saw anything wrong. I don't consider this a win in any way because it came without any effort but I guess it's better than falling.

Be well guys,

Kovesh

First off, welcome and Yaasher koach on getting the courage to post, keep on posting we want to hear how you are doing.

kovesh wrote on 14 Aug 2012 03:10:


don't think ahead like that there is no reason to plan for then when you have right now to worry about, if you have been reading things around here I'm sure you are familiar with one day at a time, and if you do happen to come to a feeling of loosing the excitement find something that excites you and do it

kovesh wrote on 16 Aug 2012 04:45:

and try not being on the internet doing nothing, that nothing just leads to something and that something is not usually a good thing. :-X so again find something that excites you and do it

Hatzlacha
SOH

If it would happen to me I wouldn't consider it a win as well, but lemayse it is.
as the wise people here say "let go and let God" and the peshat is dont fight, let haShem fight for you (like we say in tefila: "r'e be'onyenu, veriva reveynu)
cuz as gemore says "your yetzer becomes stronger each day and you would not be able to fight him, ala im ken haKadosh baruch Hu helps. kumt ois (comes out) each time we win thats haShem who wins lemayse.

So does it matter so much HOW haShem makes you not to fall?

rt.