So I got over the cheesiness of the idea, and realized the tremendous value that can come in publicly sharing our struggles together. I dont know who I am talking to but lets try this together. 
Today is day 8 bh.

My personal opinion is that creativity is crucial, indeed, it is a symptom of life itself. While the secular world promotes unbridled creativity stemming from within themselves, as Jews we choose to channel our creativity into the areas dictated by Hashem.

I need to find healthy creativity, because bottled up creativity implodes, leading the self-destructive shazal, Ch'v.

The most creative thing we can do is give seed. It is giving our essence and therefore creates new life. It is the most existential of struggles because it forces us to confront the most primal aspects of our humanity and our Jewish soul.

I heard that although in Chabad this aveira is not emphasized publicly, the entire 4th section of Tanya called Iggeres Hatshuva was written for those struggling with it, and after it.

Benoni! Welcome to GYE!

You're talking to us! We're real people in the real world and we're all struggling with this. We are so in this together and happy to have you here with us.

If you want to be creative, this forum is a great place to express that too. Check out some of the threads around and a new one or two if you'd like...

all the best,

Struggle

Dear Benoni,

A benoni is someone who never allows evil to enter his thought, speech, and action - and though at his present state he hasn't yet conquered his y"h, he always remains in control. What a name! So on target! 

In regard to your mention that giving seed is the most creative thing we can do and in which we give our essence, you can find a wealth of information on this topic written in the first maamar of Derech Mitzvosecha (titled "Mitzvas Pru U'rvu") from the Tzemach Tzedek -  the 3rd Lubavitcher Rebbe. The Chabad approach of not comforting this issue publicly can be found in a letter printed in the back of Likutei Sichos vol. 7 pg. 312.

Because you appear to be Chabad, I though you might take a particular interest in looking up these sources.

So happy you joined us!

2B

Welcome! You have a creative soul. Do you happen to be into music? When I play the piano - all the troubles of my life seem distant away and I can enjoy the music. If not, perhaps give it a try someday!


Wishing you all the best!

Welcome Beinoni!

In reading these messages i hope you will feel happy in gaining a greater awareness of the fact that you aren't alone in your struggle.

  Wishing you unconditional support in your struggle.
Share with us your situation.

Welcome Benoni! Keep us posted on your progress.

So i guess its been almost three weeks now that i have been b'h clean.

A good part of that time i did not have unbridled internet access, which helps, and i still dont. However i found that i can identify the moods that i get in that lead to feelings of hopelessness and numbness, and therefore lead to desperation for any type of "pleasure."

Music that talks to me in that state helps. Does anyone have any suggestions for music/niggunim of the struggler? it has to express the pain and loneliness of that moment, while leading to more promising heights.

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/Music.asp

Shalom Beinoni.
Sounds like we have alot in common.Ive felt this loneliness quite often.In fact im feeling it as i type this message.
Do you play music at all?If not,you try writing songs or poems.Thats a good expression of creativity.
I agree very much with your post about the need to create.I think there is alot more to all this,but it is most definetely a factor.
Go on gye music and listen to the song called "ko echsof".It will change your life.And you will not be the first.
Congratulations on the 20 somehing days youre going on.stay strong brother!
-uri

Thanks Uri, you were right, Kah Echsof is one of my favorite niggunim already...

BH, I am still holding strong, bh, and have forund that learning Chabad Chassidus helps me in all of this as well. It enables me to exert my mind and totally involve myself in a study that is all about G-d, and Holiness. As long as man cannot fully express himself and utilize all aspects of his soul for holiness, there is still a part of the soul struggling for its survival and "searching."

One very powerful thing that i have experienced is the dangerous attraction of depression. It feels so real, so authentic, so honest. After it life seems petty, trivial, and false. As though there is a deeper part of myself that I am not sharing with those around me.

I always fall back there, whether that is a subconscious voluntary fact, or involuntary challenge from G-d. Usually it is once every 2 weeks for a few days... This is a mini-depression, when i revert to thoughts of loneliness, purposeless, hopelessness, and confusion. Although I can already identify at the time it is happening and say, "this is fake, do not be fooled" it still rings truer than my second voice...

Is this normal? Is it a result of being single? Is it a challenge I will deal with forever?

I used to think this a result of the hidden shame of Chatas neurim. But I am already "clean" for about a month, and this blackness periodically returns, creating despair, shame, and inner restlessness. And intense psychological pain.

Wishing all a Kesiva Vachasima Tova,

Benoni (Halevai)

I STILL REMEBER THE FIRST TIME I HEARD KAH ECHSOIF IWAS TWELVE YEARS OLD AT MY REBBES TISH

VI-TAHER LIBAM BI-EMES UV-EMUNAH LI-AVDECHAAAA OY KAH==ECH==SOIF!!!!
b

bardichev wrote on 14 Sep 2009 22:39:

i was walking through the old city of tsfas on friday afternoon on my way back from the ari,and i heard the song coming from some apartment window.
i just sat down and closed my eyes,and felt the kedusha.
gevaldig!!!

Some helpful ideas for depression in chizuk e-mail #428 on this page: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUEList/GUEList9.asp