Baruch Hashem today is number 5 of sobriety. For someone who's had 9 months at a time before it may not sound like much, but now that I realize that I am completely powerless over lust, it really is a big deal to me. I had to hit a real bottom before I realized how powerless I am over this disease and how this will really take everything from me. But thank G-d, despite hitting another bottom, I am sober another day with very little desire to act out. I'm just tired of the pain. Not interested in living that life anymore. And sober life has so much more to offer! I've got a beautiful wife that I can connect to, 3 perfect children, a job that is interesting, great chavrusas. Sure it's scary to actually LIVE. To put myself out there and be engaged in regular, non acting out life. To finally let go of my resentments and face my fear of rejection. After all, it's the fear of rejections, coupled with my resenements that do the most damage to my relationships. But I'm ready to feel the fear (at least most of the time) and start to live. I used to obsess about staying sober. I though that there was some magic number of sober days that I woujld get to and be cured. One month would pass, two months, 3 and 4, and still feeling misreble. Of course I was! I wasnt letting go of resentments! I wasnt addressing my fear of rejection. But now I feel better than I ever have and I'm only on day 5. Its not the number of days that matters, rather the quality of the days.
