Thank you to all who responded. I feel very powerless right now. Yesterday was my first day clean and today i am struggling, i have already been tempted and was very close to being Mz"l, i stopped myself, i took someones advice and tried to tell myself all of what was happening, all my excitement and pleasurable feelings as not reality, it was fantasy, and that helped me stop myself. But i still feel very tempted to be Mzl. The problem has been fr the past 2 weeks i have been alone with no roommate in my apartment. I feel alone and this feeling is only contributing to my "pleasurable" thoughts and being Mz'L.
Yesterday i focused on staying clean that day. Today as well when i davened shachris, i davened to be clean today, not for 90 days. I hope writing about my struggle right now is of some help, if anybody has any suggestions please I can only do this with my tefillah and your help.