Hi,

Last week I ended a streak of about 50 days, and i fell really hard. It started again last week and ever since then the problem has been constant, meaning daily. I quickly felt a strong sense of hopelessness and depression. I then decided to start to 90 day Journey and i fell again right away. So therefore, as of today, i have decided i want to post my progress here on this forum. I was told this will help me. Today is therefore day 1 for me. I am very nervous and a little doubtful this will help, but i hope that by posting this on day to day basis, that i can receive feedback to support me on my journey, so i dont feel like i am alone on this one. I would appreciate if people can support me through my updates, and i hope to stay clean for the rest of the day today, as i have already fell once today. I want more then anything to be stronger then this addiction of mine and i hope i can receive support on my journey.

Thank you

Excellent start, segnor!
Spend a few more minutes here, tell us about the nature of your problems.
Are subscribed to daily emails? They provide an excellent reinforcement for daily sobriety commitment.
And don't worry about staying clean for ninety days. Stay clean today, and check back tomorrow.
Hatzlocho rabbo,
Mottel

Welcome!
What you've written sounds like me (and, I'm sure, many other people here on this forum)
Mottel is right-- we've got to focus on today. When we (I) aim to far ahead, we (I) get lost.
Keep on working!!
-ImGonnaWin

Do we have a day one?

Thank you to all who responded. I feel very powerless right now. Yesterday was my first day clean and today i am struggling, i have already been tempted and was very close to being Mz"l, i stopped myself, i took someones advice and tried to tell myself all of what was happening, all my excitement and pleasurable feelings as not reality, it was fantasy, and that helped me stop myself. But i still feel very tempted to be Mzl. The problem has been fr the past 2 weeks i have been alone with no roommate in my apartment. I feel alone and this feeling is only contributing to my "pleasurable" thoughts and being Mz'L.
Yesterday i focused on staying clean that day. Today as well when i davened shachris, i davened to be clean today, not for 90 days. I hope writing about my struggle right now is of some help, if anybody has any suggestions please I can only do this with my tefillah and your help.

RSO101 wrote on 15 Jun 2012 16:11:

G-d bless! It's a hard struggle the first couple of days, I feel for you. I wouldn't do it again.
I have to give up my right to fantasize, every morning, outloud. Otherwise I'll go crazy with erotic/romantic fantasy and act out.
I can only do it one day at a time. And it's very hard for a habitual abuser the first few weeks of sobriety. But you can get through it, if you put some effort into it, and you're worth trying and saving, no? Hashem, too, thinks you can do it. That's why He gave you this test.
But feeling powerless is good, because then you can give the fight over to G-d. And that's the challenge, to relinquish control. I think the point of this test is to convince us that we can't pass it without Him.
As the book says, "Without Him, I can't. Without me, He won't".
Talk to you on the other side of Shabbos. You can stay clean till then, can't you?
Gut shabbos,
Mottel