On Wed, Sep 7, 2011 at 11:00 PM YesodHayesodos wrote:
Dear Rabbeinu Guard,

Thank you for the Chizuk that you provided to so many Yidden. You already helped me a lot.
I wanted to know which kind of help is appropriate for me.
I am a 23 year old bochur learning currently part time at yeshivo (meaning in the morning after shachris and in the evening until maariv) so according to the Chayey Odom I am already a baalabos:) The rest of my day is spent in university or learning for university. I also try to do regular sports.
For several years already I use hz"l as an escape mechanism. I remember that I did this maybe aged 14 once and was amazad and felt very well afterwards. It was just a nice thing to do. But now since I am at yeshivo and learn and want iy"H to get married at the proper time, I tried to stop. And I only managed for two weeks.
And then again a slip and then again one or two weeks whithout a slip.
I also have to mention the great chesed Hakodosh Boruch Hu did for me. In the begining of this civil year I had an exam at university. My preparation for this consisted of several hours daily learning for a period of two months. When the exam came I had a black out and barely passed the exam. This was considered the easiest exam, I followed the guide of the yezer hora - and it hurts me to write this lines and I feel pain, but in the beis din shel maalo everything will be known, I went to a house of ill repute. One of the women of ill repute told me the sum I would need to pay. I figured out that I did not have enough money. Exactly the same sum I gave away in the morning to zedoko was missing. She proposed that we could go to a video cabin, I agreed. But then I remembered the brocho of Rabbenu Hakodosh and I feared that someone may see us and I ran away. She tried to catch but I ran as fast as I could. Another time I just went out of curiosity to such a place and when the woman of ill repute asked me I ran away. But this were the only two times I did such a thing.

When I came back quite late I decided that I need to speak to my rebbe. I told him that I have a problem with hz"l and I do not know how to stop. He said that I should try to stop, I should be occupied so that I do not have spare time and I would not think about this aveiro, he told me that sometimes marriage my solve the problem but on the other hand in some situations everything will get only worse. It depends upon how much I already "messed up". He also told me that I should not worry about the thshuvo and that nowadays we do not do tikkunim (though some really do it but this is not our mehalech) rather we try to increase our learning. He also told me not to get depressed and he quoted the Pachad Yizchok (volume on Rosh Hashono) who gives chizuk to a bocher who said he does not shteig. So he wrote that the posuk "the zadik falls seven times..." may involve even a very long period, lav dafke seven times. In the very end he'll be mazliach.

Back then I already knew that getting married will not necessarily improve the situation. During last bein hazmanim I went home to my parents. When was home alone my curiosity took me to inappropriate sites. I already contacted one of the woman it was just the fear to get caught by my parents or friends that protected me. I had the feeling that something has to be wrong with me, I almost did issurim chamurim, how can a ben Toroh do, or even consider such a thing? So maybe I am not a ben Toroh, even not a erhlicher bocher. But this of course is the eiza of the Soton. But I listened and did hz"l several times these days. During thisho b'Ov I was wondering what to do. I read about the webchaver and decide to install it, my brother is my webchaver. This lead me to two week period of sobriety. I decided to take upon myself to be very meticulous with the mizvo of shmiras eynaim.


And I felt much better after I decided to take precautions, the first time after many years I felt real simcho. But I fell again, one day I did not guard my eyes properly at the street and I had a hard day with and it seemed to me that I did not succeed, so I decided to do me a pleasure, if others do not want, and I did hz"l. Of course I know that hz"l is no pleasure but the hergesh (emotions) are the driving force and not the sechel (ratio). But mostly I do not fall, and it only happens if am in a bad mood and I am sure that this is only a period in my life.

Now, I think I know the reasons for my nisoyon. It is well-known that Yesod symbolizes the desire to create a bond. But the pgam of bris, of yesod, is the wish to receive, yet whithout giving. I davened to Hashem and I am working on my middos especially the middo of thankfulness which is kadmon latoro. Before this realization I was upset, though politeness dictates that this mood stays inside, when I did not get something I felt I should have. For example if no one praised me for my brilliant dvar toro, or if I did not get an aliyo as a levi, there are only two other leviim but they are rabbonon so obviously the are to be preferred, I felt a bit disappointed and I knew this feeling to be inappropriate. Now, however, I do not have this feeling. And lust is only rarely an issue, but sometimes it is and I am nichshal. Since Shabbos I did not learn much nor succeed doing anything productive, since I should stay in the bed because of my medical state. Instead of learning (which is also the tshuvo for hz"l as Igros Moshe writes, see also the Steipler Gaon who writes about this) I have to stay in bed with my pains, I also slept most of the day. This thought led me recently to a fall.

I feel I am prepared for marriage and this is also the opinion of my rebbeim, but hz"l and the underlying reason may destroy everything. It can go very fast maybe the first girl I"ll meet is the right one. I already spoke to the shadchonios and they came along with suggestions, my Rov did not yet find a pallatable suggestion amongst them, but maybe soon there will be one. Shall I tell him that I am not yet ready and want to wait? I do not want to ch"v destroy two lives. Yesterday there was a wonderful chasene, the couple is very makpid on inyonim of kedusho. Everyone who was invited was dressed properly and it was a gewaldig kiddush hashem. Chosson and Kale both are baalei tshuvo and they lived very turbulent lives with all the taives. It was the power of Toro and the right role models that transformed them to real bnei melochim who can serve as examples. It is my sincere hope and fervent prayer that Hakodosh Boruch Hu grants me his help to do tshuvo, to help others and to be a kiddush Hashem Yisborach.

But it is also well-known, and to ignore it would be foolishness, that Hakodosh Baruch Hu helps us if we first help ourself. So I feel that I need professional help, which is why I am asking you, what shall I do next?

Today is day 31. Just wanted to say this. Have a wonderful day. :D