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The journey to freedom
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TOPIC: The journey to freedom 2118 Views

The journey to freedom 07 Jun 2012 10:39 #139011

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Sholem heilige Yidden,


this is now my second clean day. I need you support and you help, I'll try to post once or twice a week about my progress. Today I just spoke to my Rebbe about the issue I have. I am currently learning at yeshivo and I have problems with hz"l since approx. eight years, i.e. since I am 16. DuvidChaim is a great help through his 12 step phone program. I also got the advice to use the taphsic method. I am not yet sure about the exact shvuo I should use.

My Rebbe encouraged me and was happy that I spoke to him about that. It is never too late for tshuvo and this is what we all want---to return to our loving father.

Shuvu bonim

Any chizuk appreciated.

Re: The journey to freedom 07 Jun 2012 15:05 #139031

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shalom aleichim, welcome
kol hakavod on talking to your rebbe, it can be very helpful to have someone to talk to.
keep on trucking and keep on posting!
much hatzlacha
zs
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ

Re: The journey to freedom 15 Jun 2012 08:08 #139524

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Scholem aleichem,

I am now back, I was sick the last week and felt very weak and was nichshal. I was wondering which type of taphsic shvue worked best for you?

Re: The journey to freedom 17 Jun 2012 14:16 #139642

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Sholem taire Yidden,

on Friday our rebbe gave us some inspirng ideas (he is also my rebbe and I talked to him and showed him the handbook). It seemed to me that he took them from the attitude section of the handbook.

Ureisem oysoy. Chazal explain that through seeing the tcheles we'll think about the ocean, then about the sky and then about the throne of glory (kisey hakovoyd). But why can't we think directly of the Riboynnoy shel Oylom. He answered because we cannot skip steps. He quoted the famous letter of the Pachad Yizchok to a talmid who felt he was not shteiging (it is also brought in the attitude section).

Really the meraglim got caught by the dimyon of the y"h---hot air (even though we surely cannot understand their fall on their lofty level).
My personal skipping steps failed and I want to try the Taphsic method, iyH. One day at a time.

a gute woch

Re: The journey to freedom 18 Jun 2012 08:00 #139684

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Sholem,

yesterday I felt again very weak and depressed. My parents called me and told me to go for a walk. They realized that I am depressed. B"H I was not nichshal, even though there were many tests in the gass (I just mention the concept of the "summer dress"). Not looking made me actually happy and I decided to return earlier than planned to yeshivo and learned a bit. Thank you Ribboynoy shel oylom :D

An interesting idea: Yesod leat leat bigematria.

Have a wonderful day.

Re: The journey to freedom 18 Jun 2012 17:02 #139704

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I like that idea you ended off with there!

Welcome.
I have had success with taphsic. The best shevua is one that you come up with on your own. I find it's more powerful when it's self generated. But, start it TODAY. It's of no use to you if it's just something you want to do. Bring it into asiya!

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

Re: The journey to freedom 19 Jun 2012 15:32 #139750

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I did yesterday the shvuo for a week.

Re: The journey to freedom 25 Jun 2012 09:23 #140088

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Sholem tayre Yidden,

Bechasdei Hashem, today is day ten that makes on week and three days.
This now the first week of the Taphsic method and I decided to make a new shvue for one month since it works so well.
The Y"H, however, uses now his more advanced weapons. Machshoves are usually not a problem. But tonight I had a mishap (during the dream) I dreamt that I was nichshal and the Y"H tried to make me think that this was such a geshmack. This episode was painful I saw everything happening and I could not stop it. This happened at 5 am, I took a shower; afterwards I could not sleep any more so went to the beis midrash and everything was OK.
On Shabbes night I dreamt about a terrible and painful disease I got as a consequence of the hz"l.
Another method of the Y"H is atzvus (depression)--unfortunately I saw what the more kabbalistic seforim and the chassidic seforim bring about this certain transgression. The Y"H sometimes tries to convince that I am a complete roshe without any hope of tshuvo. It happened to me once that I was learning the chofez chaim and I knew that I am growing in shmiras haloshen. The Y"H told me, very fine, but how about your shmiras habris (they are in fact linked: elokai nezor leshoni mera (=keri or hz"l), explained in the beginning of sefer yesod yosef). I felt like a hypocrite, kimat I started to cry, I left my chavrusso telling him that I do not feel well. By the way, do not read sefer yesod yosef if you do not want to become scared.

This, however, are isolated cases. Yes, there is no, absolutely no reason for sadness or depression. The Chazon Ish finishes a letter (I think its letter 35 in Igros Chazon Ish) with the words: "There is no place for atzvus in the realm of the light of lights." Es is nisht shayach.
I am struggling with my self-esteem, the 12 steps to self-esteem by Rabbi Twerski and Rabbi Roll seems to be quite helpful. Regular exercise helps also. But my questions refers rather to the realm of short time strategies bishas hanisoyon. When the machshoves of yiush (shelo midaas ) come what shall I do? Habote koyne (looking aquires), but how do I perform the kinyan of the proper attitude?

Now a few ideas from our parshe I heard from my teachers.
Korach + ra: Machloket bigematria
Korach + chaim: Shalom bigemtatria


Notes: Shalom is another term for the sefiro of Yesod (see seder tikun chazos, lamentation of the Alshich, haKodosh: shechino mo omeres…)

Now, what's the connection? Korach was a pikeach (clever) so why did he do this shtus? (see rashi) His eyes were coverd so he did not see properly because of kino (jealousy) that was not leshem shomaim. He tried to reach perfection on his own -- without having Hashem in the chesbon, this was the psul. He was on a very high level. But when trying to grow without Hashem even you'll fail. For his own growth he would not care about other people and push them away. His punishment was middo kenegged middo. He reached a high level with only one important detail missing. He was punished with the creation that was created shortly before perfection (Shabbes).
We are all Pikechim and yet we do shtus -- it has to be that we do not see properly because of taives (w know from the mishne in ovos about the connection between taive, kinno and kovovd). If we want to choose Chaim and not Ra (= the sin of Er and Onan) we have to include Hashem in our cheshbon. We cannot do it without him--that is the real gvuro (=restraint). To become a gibor we first have to admitt powerlessness (=ozer isroel bigvuro) since we cannot fight on our own, Hashem is doing the fight. And we also need the quality of chesed (=to become real givers, as the mesillas yeshorim points out, this is the antidote against taives; giving thereby becoming a keli-vessel not klipo-husk, see "the light of Ephraim" beshem R' Moshe Luria ztz"l). Chesed and gevuro are complementary qualities.

Yesterday I saw the Steipler's letters (kraina d'iggrisa vol 1, chelek 1, in the beginning) and what he writes to a bocher struggling with "hachet hayadua" about simcho, I am trying to implement it. To be continued.


Have a wonderful week.

Re: The journey to freedom 28 Jun 2012 11:14 #140462

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Sholem,

today is day 13. B"H the taphsic method helps. Today I want to stay clean.
Actually I wanted to start at GYE already last year but I thought that I can manage on my own, I cannot. I thought that marriage will cure me and indeed I met a wonderful girl (we met three times and the "no" was not so poshut) but B"H I am not married, it is much easier to deal with this problems we have before marriage. After the shidduch I decided that I want to wait need to wait and work on this issue. GYE is the right place for this. I do not remember exactly what lead me to this step but probably I realized that since marriage will not solve the problem there is no point now going into shidduchim and I do not want to ruin her and my life. So I will share the lines I wrote back then:



On Wed, Sep 7, 2011 at 11:00 PM YesodHayesodos wrote:
Dear Rabbeinu Guard,

Thank you for the Chizuk that you provided to so many Yidden. You already helped me a lot.
I wanted to know which kind of help is appropriate for me.
I am a 23 year old bochur learning currently part time at yeshivo (meaning in the morning after shachris and in the evening until maariv) so according to the Chayey Odom I am already a baalabos:) The rest of my day is spent in university or learning for university. I also try to do regular sports.
For several years already I use hz"l as an escape mechanism. I remember that I did this maybe aged 14 once and was amazad and felt very well afterwards. It was just a nice thing to do. But now since I am at yeshivo and learn and want iy"H to get married at the proper time, I tried to stop. And I only managed for two weeks.
And then again a slip and then again one or two weeks whithout a slip.
I also have to mention the great chesed Hakodosh Boruch Hu did for me. In the begining of this civil year I had an exam at university. My preparation for this consisted of several hours daily learning for a period of two months. When the exam came I had a black out and barely passed the exam. This was considered the easiest exam, I followed the guide of the yezer hora - and it hurts me to write this lines and I feel pain, but in the beis din shel maalo everything will be known, I went to a house of ill repute. One of the women of ill repute told me the sum I would need to pay. I figured out that I did not have enough money. Exactly the same sum I gave away in the morning to zedoko was missing. She proposed that we could go to a video cabin, I agreed. But then I remembered the brocho of Rabbenu Hakodosh and I feared that someone may see us and I ran away. She tried to catch but I ran as fast as I could. Another time I just went out of curiosity to such a place and when the woman of ill repute asked me I ran away. But this were the only two times I did such a thing.

When I came back quite late I decided that I need to speak to my rebbe. I told him that I have a problem with hz"l and I do not know how to stop. He said that I should try to stop, I should be occupied so that I do not have spare time and I would not think about this aveiro, he told me that sometimes marriage my solve the problem but on the other hand in some situations everything will get only worse. It depends upon how much I already "messed up". He also told me that I should not worry about the thshuvo and that nowadays we do not do tikkunim (though some really do it but this is not our mehalech) rather we try to increase our learning. He also told me not to get depressed and he quoted the Pachad Yizchok (volume on Rosh Hashono) who gives chizuk to a bocher who said he does not shteig. So he wrote that the posuk "the zadik falls seven times..." may involve even a very long period, lav dafke seven times. In the very end he'll be mazliach.

Back then I already knew that getting married will not necessarily improve the situation. During last bein hazmanim I went home to my parents. When was home alone my curiosity took me to inappropriate sites. I already contacted one of the woman it was just the fear to get caught by my parents or friends that protected me. I had the feeling that something has to be wrong with me, I almost did issurim chamurim, how can a ben Toroh do, or even consider such a thing? So maybe I am not a ben Toroh, even not a erhlicher bocher. But this of course is the eiza of the Soton. But I listened and did hz"l several times these days. During thisho b'Ov I was wondering what to do. I read about the webchaver and decide to install it, my brother is my webchaver. This lead me to two week period of sobriety. I decided to take upon myself to be very meticulous with the mizvo of shmiras eynaim.


And I felt much better after I decided to take precautions, the first time after many years I felt real simcho. But I fell again, one day I did not guard my eyes properly at the street and I had a hard day with and it seemed to me that I did not succeed, so I decided to do me a pleasure, if others do not want, and I did hz"l. Of course I know that hz"l is no pleasure but the hergesh (emotions) are the driving force and not the sechel (ratio). But mostly I do not fall, and it only happens if am in a bad mood and I am sure that this is only a period in my life.

Now, I think I know the reasons for my nisoyon. It is well-known that Yesod symbolizes the desire to create a bond. But the pgam of bris, of yesod, is the wish to receive, yet whithout giving. I davened to Hashem and I am working on my middos especially the middo of thankfulness which is kadmon latoro. Before this realization I was upset, though politeness dictates that this mood stays inside, when I did not get something I felt I should have. For example if no one praised me for my brilliant dvar toro, or if I did not get an aliyo as a levi, there are only two other leviim but they are rabbonon so obviously the are to be preferred, I felt a bit disappointed and I knew this feeling to be inappropriate. Now, however, I do not have this feeling. And lust is only rarely an issue, but sometimes it is and I am nichshal. Since Shabbos I did not learn much nor succeed doing anything productive, since I should stay in the bed because of my medical state. Instead of learning (which is also the tshuvo for hz"l as Igros Moshe writes, see also the Steipler Gaon who writes about this) I have to stay in bed with my pains, I also slept most of the day. This thought led me recently to a fall.

I feel I am prepared for marriage and this is also the opinion of my rebbeim, but hz"l and the underlying reason may destroy everything. It can go very fast maybe the first girl I"ll meet is the right one. I already spoke to the shadchonios and they came along with suggestions, my Rov did not yet find a pallatable suggestion amongst them, but maybe soon there will be one. Shall I tell him that I am not yet ready and want to wait? I do not want to ch"v destroy two lives. Yesterday there was a wonderful chasene, the couple is very makpid on inyonim of kedusho. Everyone who was invited was dressed properly and it was a gewaldig kiddush hashem. Chosson and Kale both are baalei tshuvo and they lived very turbulent lives with all the taives. It was the power of Toro and the right role models that transformed them to real bnei melochim who can serve as examples. It is my sincere hope and fervent prayer that Hakodosh Boruch Hu grants me his help to do tshuvo, to help others and to be a kiddush Hashem Yisborach.

But it is also well-known, and to ignore it would be foolishness, that Hakodosh Baruch Hu helps us if we first help ourself. So I feel that I need professional help, which is why I am asking you, what shall I do next?


The answer is obvious, now that I am here.

Re: The journey to freedom 29 Jun 2012 14:20 #140579

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Sholem,

I just got chizuk from the Eizos veHadrochos by Rabbi Grinvald based on the Steipler's ztzvklh"h letters. Unfortunately I cannot quote them since I returned to book to my rebbe. But it is instructive to see the section on "rigshei ashomo" feelings of guilt in the second part of the book. He mentions that sometimes we feel anguish since we cannot serve HKB"H properly. The pain and the sufferings we feel in this situations are like altar of atonement in the eyes of HKB"H, since he wants our heart it is as though we fulfilled the mitzvo.
He mentions there that it is brought down in the books of the "khokhmei refuo" of the nations that someone who was nichshal in the chet of hz"l r"l many times will feel depressed and broken. He writes that some need to daven hundred tfillos a day. And we should not think that there are tfillos that are not answers. He was a true ohev isroel and he understood the sufferings of klal yisroel.

Today was a bris and it is always a very big simcho. I heard an interesting wort:
Why do we say keshem shenikhnas lebris shel Avrohom Ovinu kakh niknas le Toro chuppo umaasim tovim. We usually do not say that the same way you did mitzvo a you should do mitzvo b. The terutz is: The baby had not choice, he acted in complete faith.
May we act the same way with complete faith in HKB"H, bizchus von dem wird der Ribboynoy shel oylom uns mazil sein fun unserer makhle und mir werden mekabel meshiakh sein bimhero veyomeynu.

Have a wonderful shabbes.

Re: The journey to freedom 03 Jul 2012 09:39 #140761

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Sholem,

today is day 18 - chai. Boruch Hashem yoim yoim. The daily avoido. Difficult but rewarding. And surely better than the alternative.
I actually hoped someone would also post something here. By the way I am still looking for some sponsor whom I can talk to and who could offer me guidance and chizuk. It is a struggle and bechasdei Hashem the Taphsic method is helpful. But sometimes I feel very lonely abandoned and would like to cry out and the y"h knows how to use this time of tzaar. Really then we are very near to HKB"H but great caution is required in this moments.

Re: The journey to freedom 04 Jul 2012 14:26 #140889

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Sholem,

today the Y"H caught me off-guard and took me to a kosher side but it has also non-kosher entries. I got side-tracked to one non-kosher entry. I saw the picture but after two seconds (two too much) I closed the window. I did not remember my shvue. But the lust entered me and I have to do something so that this does not become a fall. Do I have to reset the count? The problem was that I was on a public computer and there was no fear of being caught.

Re: The journey to freedom 16 Jul 2012 09:34 #141682

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Today is day 31. Just wanted to say this. Have a wonderful day. :D

Re: The journey to freedom 16 Jul 2012 14:52 #141709

YesodHayesodos wrote on 16 Jul 2012 09:34:

Today is day 31. Just wanted to say this. Have a wonderful day. :D

Keep up the good work chaver,

31 is the numerical value of לא, which means "no".
There is a possuk (Iyov 14:4) מי יתן טהור מטמא לא אחד
The heilige Slonimer said pshat: מי יתן טהור מטמא - How can one be zocheh to get out of his impure state and become pure? לא אחד - Through one "no", i.e. he must resolve that the next time he is presented with a nisayon he will say "no". And he must stick with this commitment.

Hatzlacha rabbah

MT

Re: The journey to freedom 27 Jul 2012 08:57 #142546

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Sholem,

thank you Machshava tova for the nesives sholem. I really like the sefer, where does say the vort? Just as an aside: Machshava and besimcha have the same letters in hebrew. I think this should teach us something.
Today is day 42: libi (my heart) bigematria.
Have a wonderful shabbes.
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