sturggle wrote on 24 Sep 2009 20:11:


huge yesod!
just for now i'll be good. for just this 10 minutes, this 10 minutes, this 10 minutes.

another huge yesod
POST, POST, POST

never be afraid to say what you're going through- we're all in this together!
we're family now!

thanks for all he chizuk !!! especially the one from the kallah, wow that made me feel real good. May this Yom Kipper hashem forgive us all and may we be zocheh to be "consistant" with hashem ., Every day the same "havaday shemo kain tehiloso" let us emulate hashem and be vadays , so that he can count on us to remain pure . Amen !!!

Everyone I need your help !!!! I cannot afford to ever fail again. Although I have been clean for several days I am not being 100 % pure. I believe the only way out for me is to write a daily journal on this site. I am going to start today. However, please keep the following in mind ....
a) I will probably not post moitza shabbos or Sunday because I want to avoid the internet over the weekend.
b) Included in the journal will be personal mishaps between me and our creator not relevant to Shemiras habris. The reason for this is because I need to have one location where I put down my personal Cheshbon Hanefesh
Please help me out. I do not need chizuk per se , I need sound advice on how to conquer what has so far been the unconquerable.
Enjoy the journal !!!

Journal Entry # 1

Question # 1
I feel confused because it is so clear to me intellectually that sinning or anything related to purity is needed for my survival. Yet when I have a desire to sin I have absolutely no desire to refrain. All the intellect I have means nothing and does not help at all. Yes I know that chazal tell us "Ain adam choteh etc" I would not call this a "Ruach Shtus" I would simply call it a switch in desire. What I mean by that is this ..... I am a single bochur who would like nothing more than to get married to my true Ashes Chayel. However, that desire disappears when I am faced with a fleeting 5 minute pleasure. How do I keep my desire consistent ?
Question # 2
We say that the mentality to overcome the yetzer hora is to realize that we are not in control and that only through hashem can we be victorious. This is very hard to grasp , not so much because of our ego saying that we can win but because this seems to imply that we have no bechira , that it is all about prayer. To compound the difficulty we have the statement of chazal that "ain davra omed befnei haratzon"  nothing stands in the way of our desires. So it seems that the yetzer hora creates some sort of "vertigo" in regards to our desires. So our tefillah is not to have this vertigo ? that would mean that we are asking hashem for no yetzer hora or no bechira . very very confusing.
So how do I win the battle today ? Well right now I am experiencing "clarity" I hope it lasts ..... be"h

hey 8th,

nice idea about the journal,
i dont have any answers to your questions at the moment,
but i wanted to wish you much hatzlacha with it,
i hope that it helps keep you in a place of clarity,
gut chodesh