Hello everybody,
I would like to keep a journal of my first 90 days clean of acting out sexual fantasies and masturbation. I hope I can count on the forum members for support, and hopefully, iy”h I will be able to encourage and support other forum members in due time.

I have had fantasies involving sexual fetishes from a very young age (around 6 years old)… and for about 9 years, I have struggled with them because while they did not fulfill me in any way, I felt compelled to do the same set of actions that cost me time, energy and money. I know this is an addiction... I want to put in whatever it takes to heal myself.

--amordechai

I am 11 days into my 90 day journey, and yesterday was rosh chodesh Sivan. The first 9 days were okay for the most part but yesterday, I had a headache and I felt pretty sad… despite the fact that the singing in hallel usually makes me pretty happy. I often doubt my emotions: meaning I often think I understand why I am feeling a certain way, but then, I think that “maybe it’s just the weather…”

Anyways, my theory as to why I felt the way I did yesterday is this: I feel like I’m not part of a group. It’s a very old feeling for me… I remember being very young and feeling like this. A feeling like everyone is in on the joke and I am not… just to have a group of friends to “hang out” with would be nice, I see my brothers have groups of friends that they ”hang out” with, and other acquaintances too: they seem to have groups of friends.

but then my logical side takes over, I have heard both Jewish and non-Jewish sources say that a man is lucky if I has one true friend. So what if I don’t have a group of phony friends? It’s not as though I am isolated: I interact with lots of people on a daily basis, I speak with them, I study with them… and I am working on developing deeper friendships. So why do I feel so lonely without a “group”?

anyways:

today, I am feeling a bit better. . . as I think to myself “krova yeshuati lavo” and if I need a group, hashem will guide me and help me.

Hey amordechai.

You're part of a group now. We're all with you in this. It looks like you're moving strong. I wish you continued hatzalacha with this.
Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk.
See you around!
-ImGonnaWin

amordechai,
I know the feeling of loneliness when I see other guys in there own groups. When I feel lonely when I see a group of guys, I tell myself that I will soon get a group. But right now especially that I'm in a new Yeshivah this year, it will take time it could be another year and it could be two years, but I do know that I will have good friends by that time if I keep at it. Maybe for you too, it could take you time to make the friendships that you want so you don't feel lonely.
I sure hope I made sense. If not, it was worth a try.
If you ever want to talk, pm me. I'll be more than happy to talk.
-Icandothis