Thanx for the inquiry E-Tek.
Last night I surrendered and as I was writing my surrender on GYE forums I felt the urge going away.
But today it is coming back. I had this crazy urge before to search for pictures on menstruation (am I sick or something? I mean who cares about blood from the womb(it is an excuse for me to see that area of a woman)) and I keep on getting thoughts of porn movies I watched. It is really annoying me. I can't think straight for the past hour without remembering porn etc. and the problem is my job requires concentration. But... thanx Hashem for last night!!

Hashem take over don't "just" help (as we say ה' יעזור) JJ

I'm with you. I'm being plagued by the thoughts from my most recent falls, with the occasional bonus thought of something I saw/read 4 years or so ago...
The Y"H is good. Hashem is better. All He wants is me. Unfortunately, sometimes the "me" is lacking. Today was one such day... Long story... but Hashem stepped in! Life is great!

B'Ahava,
Meir

Hashem, just today. PLEASE!

Yeah, surrender is a daily, maybe even hourly exercise.
I also find it helpful to surrender my right to fantasize (for today, 'cause I may want to fantasize tomorrow).
Keep chiseling away at this.
Mottel

OK back to basics (not that I was ever not in basics)

I have started again not tomorrow but a second after the double fall. I have already said "Listen Hashem you know me well enough to know that I love porn etc. and falling is part of the path and growth to get out of the problem (so long as it is a fall and not my place down there). So far I am still kicking which means you still love me, have a purpose in me and want me to get up and back on the right track"

So here I am reporting about a fall but for the first time I didn't get into the stage of no mans land for a few days, until I get up and keep on trucking.

Love you all. Tomorrow I am finished with the home alone case I was in for a few days JJ

I love that, that's a great attitude to have.
Not Iyush, but no bravado, either.
...

I gotta remember this myself...
KUTRA!
Mottel
P.S. I'm not gonna wait for you to ask: Keep Up The Right Attitude!

Geshmak! Standard fare, for my friends and I...

Sounds like progress.

KUTGW,

--Elyah

Big progress has been going on the past few days I have managed to keep clear of any slips B"H. But the progress has come from a different area all together. I have a rabbi who is one of a kind in understanding the complicated human personality and actually has a certain degree in it. He has helped me out and shown me why I don't have a normal relationship with my wife, how to start to fix things and what marriage and life is all about. That has really begun building me and I have just been finding myself content enough with other things and not having to run away to porn etc. as an escape from my life.

But I must admit the other day I really wanted to look at a topless girl but managed to stay clear with Hashem help.(I still have that urge now too. For some reason I have a craze over topless more than other stuff, weird... no?!)

by for now JJ

Hey, buddy,
self-knowledge is good, but it's no panacea. Keep working this one day at a time.
You don't have to tell what exactly turns you on (and why is it weird? mammory glands are very attractive to men, no? here is a joke from my sexaholic past, when I used to objectify women: why did G-d give women breasts? so that men would talk to them).
But we all know that we worship body parts, and we all know where particular body ports go to make us feel particularly good, so there is no need for explicit description.
But by telling us your temptations, you're giving them up and not keeping them secretly locked up in your head, and that's definitely good and progress.
So keep the honest reporting coming, just dress it up a bit for all us goofballs and bodypart lovers out here.
Mottel

I would write back to point one. But that is not what we believe we say Keep On Trucking from where you are and no clean days go to waste!

On Shabbos I felt it was going to happen but managed to push it off until today and then today I had the fall (it was a bit upsetting that the fall was on pictures and not videos like I would have liked )

I would try blocking the picture website but it is very complicated and I think there is always ways to get around. What I have to do is change my way of thought and not so much the computer!


JJ

jewish wrote on 27 Jun 2012 12:04:


What did he say?

--Elyah

Elya I can't say what he said because it is not for most of you out there, it has to do with something personal. Secondly right now I have to reverse things to build back in the right way, that reverse is good for me but hurts too and that is the main reason that yesterday I lost my marbles and masturbated on porn. He explained to me what I have to do to reverse and rebuild and in the mean time not to lose myself.

Secondly last night I realized that I am not interested in 90 days anymore my mind is set on "one day everyday". The reason why I like doing the 90 day chart is to see progress and how many days I am already clean and not as a target to get there.(maybe after reading about it so much my mind has changed automatically without me realizing that I don't crave to get to 90 I just want "a day")

bye for now JJ

jewish wrote on 02 Jul 2012 11:00:


Wow! Woop! This is gorgeous....and just plain sensible, too.

Continued hatzlocha, brother.

I have been away for a while and one of the places that I was there had open internet and you can imagine what happened :-[ . But at least I told myself no more until I get back home and I managed to keep to my word even though I felt my stomach churning. Now I got back home and guess what I masturbated on p****graphic pictures again :-[.

I just need to cool down and get back into the forums, chizuk emails and the handbook and not to think about the past!!

love you all JJ

I just now had a look around the forum and I think there is quite a lot of new Tzaddikim who have come to GYE to become better. Is it because of Citifield or has GYE gone on an aggressive ad campaign??

THE AIBISHTER IS ADVERTISING...
MEIN HEILIGE KINDER, THERE IS A PATH TO KEDUSHA...
IT IS CALLED GYE...
HERE, I WILL SHOW YOU...