I have been having problems since being a child in school!
There were two friends who would do it with me in hideouts in school and a bochur in shul who even asked me to have oral when I was a child! (Didn't do it because it disgusted me the idea)
In Yeshiva they almost threw me out (I learnt in a strict chassidishe yeshiva) for doing wrong things with others, but I managed to stay in.
Ever since one of those wrongdoing friends of mine taught me the "art" of m*sturbation I have been doing so in many forms and ways all the time (I had a short period of time when I stopped (paused) in yeshiva gedolah)
Then I got into it even more I had a place where there was a TV and I used to watch Hollywood fashion explaining what is meant to be nice (they go into every detail) and I used to kiss the woman on screen and then I found the real trouble, p*rn which has never stopped since. I just keep on promising not to look again but never actually worked so here I am in GYE trying to start my recovery. (I didn't want to write how there was times that I was searching for Zonahs. Luckily I never found only dreamt about them)

Now I have started the 90 days and yesterday was the first I almost messed it up with a fall, I had last night a crazy urge which normally I would have fallen but since yesterday was my first I said push it off for another day, and it worked.
But I did slip I saw an article about a woman (famous where I lived) who they had caught again n*de so I searched it and got a bit hooked but then stopped myself. The reason I call this a slip not a fall is because I think this is the first time I have stopped myself in middle of looking at such things and not continuing and falling.
so now towards the end of day two and no major problem today, but I know the yetzer harah waits and gives you a good felling and then hits back double as hard so I am just moving along and preparing for the next battle.


sorry if i just wrote about all (most) of what happened to me and it wasn't nice (triggering) or boring, i just had to get it out!

Hayom shnei yamim....

One day at a time. One nisayon at a time.

It's easier to be very good (to not start, not toy with this stuff) rather than to be slipping all the time.

Stated another way, the stricter you are with your shmiras eynayim and shmiras hamachshava, the easier this whole nisayon will be. Set high walls, broad boundaries. Take a day off from the computer altogether. Take a few days off from the news.

Hatzlocha!

Welcome Jewish Jew!
Thank you for sharing your story. I identify with a lot of what you wrote about, in terms of your history I am also super impressed that you were able to pull yourself out of the slip/fall.

Keep up the good work!

Welcome JJ, and please stick around. Browse these forums and posts, and you will find a wealth of ideas and inspiration - and a bunch of good friends in the same boat as you.

Since you're a Jewish Jew, I'll share with you advice from the Even Ezra on this week's Parsha (18:3) where it talks about staying away from 'arayos' - lustful encounters:

ובחקתיהם לא תלכו, שלא ירגיל אדם ללכת בדרך הזה עד שיהיה לו חק

In other words, one must be extra careful not to make a habit of going in the ways of lust, lest it becomes a 'chok', i.e. he will end up doing it against his own logical judgement (i.e. addiction). And it stands to reason, that kal vachomer if one became addicted and wants to recover, he should be even more careful to avoid any lustful encounters that may further strengthen his addiction. Aderabbah - he should make a habit of avoiding all forms of lust so that he may counterbalance his addiction and a normal lifestyle will become his 'chok' be'ezras Hashem.

Much success on your journey - chazak ve'amatz!

MT

mt you don't know how much that vort is right!

I have this problem oppisite of Dovid Hamelech. It says that Dovid Hamelechs feet would take him to the Beis Hamedrash even if he didn't want to and by me even if i think i don't want to go through that park at night because there are young people there doing things (the park is out of the city but to go from Bnei Brak to Tel Aviv where my Shver lives you can pass through there and it is a dark corner place) i end up there.(it happens all the time not only in that park, i used the park as an example because there it happened to me lately quite a lot and i sometimes acted out because of what i saw (the place there is real spooky with rubbish))

So as the Torah writes ובחקתיהם לא תלכו, to keep out of the way of Aroyas

thanx JJ

Did you read through the GYE Handbook? Are you familiar with the Taphsic method? Perhaps a vow with the right type of consequences may keep you away from that park.

Interestingly, when I was a bochur in EY, I also strayed into parks at night where such dangerous activity was going on. That was 40 years ago (!) and I can tell you from experience, as the possuk says:
בני אל תלך בדרך אתם, מנע רגלך מנתיבתם

Feeling for you, and hoping for your success,

MT

JJ and MT, what hashgocho protis that you two share this experience. Yasher koyach on realizing it's not our way. Keep it up one day at a time!
Mottel

thanx obbermottel and MT

MT i am in middle of reading the GYE handbook.

One thing disturbing me a lot (if this is not appropriate on here then write a.s.a.p. to me and i will take it off) is that i haven't had a relationship with my wife for three months, (don't worry it is not because we are fighting) the reason is she is taking pills to stop the cycle and it is messing things up. She went to a doctor but so far it isn't working.
Maybe i shouldn't look at it this way but it does help me a bit when i can do it with her (one way that it help is that i normally don't m***** beforehand a day or two just to make me feel a bit holier (when i do, do it i am again an animal because i try things that i saw which are bad!))

what ever it is i am so far more that 2 full days clean.
I am also not getting so many urges the past days (maybe because I'm not reading the news online etc.etc. so much lately, when i am in the mood of such stuff i just log on to GYE and have a look/read around).

bye for now JJ

Hi JJ,

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you've got a struggle on many different fronts. I used to think I was fighting against a hundred different types of inappropriate activities and that I needed to figure out strategies for each one. Then, what's worse, as soon as one thing seemed to be finally under control, a new way of acting out would come along.

It was very helpful for me to realize it all is rooted in one thing--LUST. I stopped looking for signs of when I am about to m*sturbate, and when I am about to look at p*rn, etc, and just started to be aware of when I am starting to LUST. It made the struggle much easier; although lust takes many forms, it's always the same lust behind it.

Also, I can identify with your extended time of not having relations with your wife. I have undergone such phases, sometimes for medical reasons, and sometimes voluntarily for the sake of recovery. It is helpful to know that, really, s*x is OPTIONAL. We don't HAVE to have it to stay alive.

When I first came here, I thought if I went longer than 30 days without having relations or without acting out. I have learned that this is not true, and it has been very liberating. I know single fellows who have many years of sobriety in recovery--that's no s*x and no acting out for many years.

Another thing: Take it one day at a time. Don't worry about a whole 90 days.

Good luck and keep on posting,

Elyah

Welcome JJ!
If you're very chassidic you may want to try the Yiddish Forums [although my advice would be to stick around here too].
In any event, you've gotten quite a nice welcome so far, enjoy it, stick around, and KOP [if you stick around you'll figure out the Notreikun]

I am having a hard time writing because the Yetzer Harah is bugging me since the second day I am in GYEs forums.

He keeps on telling me that I am not so bad, I don't have to be in GYE and that you see that i am clean from the first time I have decided to enter the 90 day program (4 days almost a record!!) which shows that i can do it myself etc.

Now i have to continue to tell myself that it is not true i have probably tried stopping tens or hundreds of times but always get back to it. (I almost fell on Shabbos i was walking down the street and i just couldn't control myself staring at every lady. They are dressed like they are walking down the catwalk for some fashion company with flesh everywhere and as short and untznius as possible. I had a slight trigger in the street but started walking quickly as so not to get stuck)

So now i am kind of forcing myself to write so not to let the Yetzer Harah to get his way

bye for now JJ

Keep at it, you're doing great!
A gute woch!

Kol hahatkhalot kashot
We're rooting for you!

Now I see the Yetzer Horah was wrong big time, I fell and fell hard last night!

It started by searching something gray (not bad but not kosher) and it ended in... but I managed to fight off acting out until the morning (I was awake half the night mixed up and cranky).
By morning i couldn't hold out and went for it big time ruining my "count" (I am not sure if 4 days is called a count)

That is the latest update, now I have to pull myself together and keep on trucking

Bye for now JJ

Don't fight next time; If you keep trying to fight it, it gets worse. SURRENDER, instead. That doesn't mean GIVE IN, it means GIVE IT OVER! Try to reach out to G-d and ask for help; try to reach out to other people on this forum and in recovery. And, reach out as soon as you notice you're going into the grey--don't wait until the pressure builds up.

And, every minute we stay clean is precious.

--Elyah