ImGonnaWin wrote on 09 May 2012 16:30:
A thought that's been on my mind, lately--
During the night calls, were reading the beginning of Bill's Story. And, if you've read Bill's Story, you've seen how difficult it is to read. Bill continues to sink deeper and deeper into his addiction.
It is so frustrating for me to read this. I want to skip to the end, already! I want to get to the resolution. I want to read about the skills. I want to learn what I need to do. I'm wondering to myself, am I even getting anything out of this?
But, I realized last night- that's not what this is about. This is a process. I need to build my way through it. I need to hit rock bottom (while still on top, as the handbook says). Read about rock bottom. Experience rock bottom. Once I am there, then I can move on.
This past tisha bav (I realize this is not inyanei deyoma, but it's what's on my mind...), I remember sitting on the floor and thinking how frustrated I was. There are so many reasons we talk about why the churban happened, there are so many things we need to fix. And I remember sitting there, and all I wanted to do was to just get up and start fixing things.
But, that's not what the day is about. Tisha bav is about the experience of the loss. We need to really experience the loss fully and competely. It is only after that point that we can really see what needs to be done and fix it.
That's what Bill's Story is for me. It's the story of my personal churban. The story of my tragic loss. Only once I can fully experience this loss I can recognize how to fix it.
To pull this back to more timely topics, the same thing can be said with sefira. I would love to jump from yetzias mitzrayim to shavuos. And, I many times feel after the chag that I am ready for kabbalas haTorah right then and there.
In truth, however, I am not. Sefira, too, is a process. We need to work our way through. Work our way up.
It's now day 32 of the Omer. Nearing the home stretch. I'm looking back and remembering where I was only 32 days ago. It's not so many posts before this one, where I was pleading for help from you. I am growing. I am gaining insight from the calls. This forum is inspiring me.
I am far from perfect in controlling my lust, but I see myself taking steps. With your help, and with the some serious siyata dishmaya, I believe that I can continue in my progress.
