ImGonnaWin wrote on 20 May 2012 20:05:

i could say i feel the same at times. thanks to everyone who helped clarify the issue.

Hey everyone.

It's been a while since I've been here, I know. The past few weeks have been both good and bad. I've had a number of days sober, but nothing has been for longer than 7 days. I hate that I'm writing that. I hate that I'm counting. I want to not be counting. But, lemaaseh, I don't know how to not count...

The night calls have been good. I have been trying really hard to work on my isolation. I have definitely been making progress... just not enough. The irony is that in order to make the night call, I have to be isolated at night—which is a very dangerous time for me. I think I might need to switch to an earlier call. I don't know when, though. Either that, or find some private place that is public enough for me to feel some sense of community and surroundedness with others. As I'm typing this, I think I have an idea of a place. I guess I'll try that out tonight?

I'm, very slowly, beginning to realize that this recovery is a process that takes my active participation. More than participation, it takes a lot of effort. Yehi Ratzon that I should have the strength to be able to continue taking steps forward with my personal recovery. That bezras Hashem I should be able to take everything moment by moment. And that I should be able to see yad Hashem in my world around me.

The fact that I lost sobriety last night means nothing about what I have accomplished and what I can accomplish in the future. There is no point in worrying about it, in obsessing over it, even really thinking about it. Recovery is about looking right now and asking myself—what can I do at this moment?

I'll be back soon!
-IGW

ImGonnaWin wrote on 07 Jun 2012 19:58:


Yes! Big time effort. It needs to be our top priority. We need to be aggressively vigilant in all settings, avoiding anything that could compromise our sobriety. Just today I picked up a copy of Mens Health lying around work. There was an article on the cover I wanted to see. I began turning the pages and caught a flash of a very provocative photo. I only saw a small part of it. I dropped the magazine and walked away. I said out loud "it's not worth it." My sobriety is much more important than any article. Than anything.

ImGonnaWin wrote on 07 Jun 2012 19:58:

Omein!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shavuah Tov, everyone.

Yesterday was clean, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is right now. And, Baruch Hashem, I have been clean today, and have a schedule for tonight that should keep me clean.

As Elyah said, 1 day at a time.

You can call me on the phone if it gets tough.
A gute woch,
Mottel.

I had a rough day today. I really should have reached out. I know. I'm still struggling with getting myself to reach out, you know? Like, when I cam to reach out, I don't need to reach out. And, when I do need to reach out, I can't bring myself to reach out.

I guess the lesson here is that even when I don't need to reach out, I must reach out. Right? I guess that means like right now?
I'm used to being isolated. I spend so much time in isolation. I think I have actually come to like it... But, I know I don't. I hate it. If even one person, one friend of mine were to just walk into this room right now, I'd be thrilled... It's sort of like there are two sides in me. The isolated, addicted side. and the non-addicted, social, non-isolated side. I just don't know how to switch between the two. On the night call the other day, I think it was Adam who made some sort of comment about something like that, that all of the sudden this other side to him, to me, to the addict, all the sudden comes up and you just can't shake him.

I think I'm rambling right now and I'm not sure how coherent that was. Just typing out my thoughts I guess.

ImGonnaWin wrote on 10 Jun 2012 23:43:


Right.

Right.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 11 Jun 2012 04:54:


So do it.

Elyah has a way of saying A LOT with just very few words.

I had a whole post planned, but it just sort of faded away with Elyah's words. I could write a lot right now, but the maaseh is the ikar, right?

So, without further ado, I think I'm going to make good on a phone call offer.

ImGonnaWin wrote on 13 Jun 2012 19:06:


Shkoyach.

yes, shkoyich.

I didn't get a chance to call on Thursday or Friday (or, I should say, I didn't make the time to call). Sunday, I woke up full of depression which quickly escalated when an emotional curve ball was thrown at me in the morning. Instead of reaching out first thing, which is what I should have done, I let myself sit with it. Depression and RID just built up inside me until the point that I just fell apart. Needless to say, my entire day was shot to pieces.

Last night I wrote a note to myself that I keep with me now that says "Did You Check In Today?" I'm working on connecting to others. I called one friend this morning, right after shacharis. I am planning on calling someone else in approxiamtely 1.5 hours when I can pause doing work. And then I'm going to call another friend in the evening. 3 times a day is what Mottel quoted to me before. Nothing else has worked, why not try that? So, that's what I'm going to do.

I went to my first live meeting yesterday. It was great. I don't really have the time now to go into all of it, but it was just amazing. I am so happy that I went.
I went back again today, and plan on going back tomorrow.

I've been checking in with a number of people every day, and I hope I can keep it up.
One day at a time, right?