I have been looking for a place to put my thoughts down - I am not particularly clever with computors so it took me a while to figure out how to do this.  I have been hanging around this forum for some time - I put the K9 filter on my computer - but it did cause a tremendous amont of slowdown for my server.  So i had to remove it -i have not as yet looked at the schmutz - i want a filter though for when the YH rears itself - to prostrate myself I have found to be very helpful in my day. 
I had a fall several days ago - my resolve is strong - I will go to a live meeting tomorrow at noon.  I have been toying with this idea but not taken action.  I acknowledge that I am powerless over my lust addiction.  I am at ease at this time - so I will finish this conf. call that i am participing in then i will retire.  No running today - every muscle in my body is sore from yesterday.
:o

Baruch Hashem

Keep strong, all the best to you!!!!  ;D

Rontov,

Welcome to the forum.

You've got a lot of courage and you're taking recovery seriously.  These are good signs.

Please keep on posting about how things are going.

Lots of luck,

Elyah

I went to the lunchtime meeting near me that i found on the internet.  Normally I go to a Torah study group on thursdays from 12:30 to 2:30.  It was cancelled today .  I met three men there that would help me - one that is my interim sponsor ( call him everyday - study 2 pages in the BBook.  Then call the other two guys every day.  Go to meetings often.  ) one guy was very serious when he said that if i find myself in a difficult situation/place he would come and drag me out of there literally - I am surprised, he only just met me.  Well anyway I will do all that they say exactly.
Today I ran 1.5 miles again and moved ten pails of dirt from the big pile into my garden - i am exhausted - now i will go serve my wife and clean the kitchen before i collide with my bed.  I am feeling pretty good -

Great!

--Elyah

Another great Shabbos - I had to work very hard at turning my head to day - even the most covered seem to attract my glance - My friend Mordechai was not there, he is my brother in this fight - that saddened me somewhat - there were other Haverim there that I spoke to and I made a point to not talk to or interact with the women - so another sober day into the books and we shall begin a new week with success.

another day - I had a contact via text from a college guy that wants a ssa thing  - i have to block his number or i will fall in a schwache moment - he sent me a picture that i removed immediatly and i must say i went thru my phone to remove all 'downloaded images.' i hate this YH that finds my weakest spot.  i called my SA cntacts and will go to a live meeting tomorrow at noon as well as the phone conference on here tonight with Schlomo.  I went for a walk with my wife and helped to clean the house -  to get away from the the mind wandering.  No acting out for me today - its in the world of my mind.  I read this one post where the writer said that Torah learning is a fortress from YH -  i believe that - right now i cannot be alone with even myself  - so i will go in now and help some more for my family.  :-\

You really are taking actions of recovery.

KUTGW!

--Elyah

I am quite angry today - my employees, my children, my customers, I have been looking at Craigslist on my mobile phone -  Mashugga - thats me - will i ever be rid of this ?

rontov wrote on 21 Mar 2012 20:25:

I find that, for me, what's worse than feeling angry is feeling GUILTY about feeling angry.

The question is, just what am I going to do about it now?

--Elyah

BH I went to sleep last night without acting out ! After all the boys left me to continue to move that huge pile of dirt into my garden - by myself - i continued to be angry - I  came in here to the office and looked at craigslist (i did not msbt) - then open GYE and read posts and more posts - then back to craigslist - it was madness.  I reread the post about prostrating myself so i went and found a flat piece of ground and placed myself into His mercy.  I was literally at my witts end.  I needed serious help with this YH - so i lay there face down - I simply thought that one day that is where I will be - in the grund with no more fighting this - I literallycried out for help -  I went to sleep without acting out -

sidenote:
today has been great ! I did notice that I forgot to eat yesterday - my wife fed me and my disposition improved - they told me at an SA meeting - not to get to hungry, angry lonely or tired. HALT. 

Today  I tried to do the day without asking for help - it was terrible i was wanting to act out because it was my birthday - and I knew i could just dissappear from here - no problem - and that I cold not show up at my SA meeting and I could get away with it all.  For a time.  About 1130 i stopped and a thought entered into my mind - why are you doing this alone ? I immediatly invoked the help of Hashem - then i drove directly to an SA meeting -  whew saved again - from my YH - unchecked and without the aid of the AllMighty I seem to go in the very wrong direction rather quickly.  Thanks for letting me 'spill the beans' here !  The GYE tools plus live meetings are key for me.

I've had times like that--I DON'T WANT TO DO THE PROGRAM!

It's freaky though; on a recent episode like this (maybe two weeks ago), I was about to do some slipping and the thought entered my mind I'M NOT GOING TO CALL ANYONE!!!  I WANT TO ACT OUT!!!  But then someone from the program called me.  I was sensible enough to at least pick up the phone, and then I admitted what I was about to do, and then this friend told me to go away from the computer and to go for a walk outside and then I listened to him.

Thank G-d, I'm still clean today.

--Elyah

27 days  -  live meetings are very helpful - there are days that i just dont want to choose rightiousness -  like today -  but i keep the Torah open on my desk and when i start to wnder in my mind the voice in my mind yetzer tov reminds me of who i am  and who i am not and i find it difficult to continue filthy thoughts. - 

Rontov- that's great to hear!  That yetzer tov can be an amazingly supportive friend!

Do you mind sharing that post you mentioned about prostrating?  Sounds interesting!
Chag Kasher VeSameach!
-IGW