g'morning Mottel, hope you're well and getting a mean lunch ready for the kiddies and for the oilam here

obormottel wrote on 16 Nov 2011 22:53:


Here is the fireplace.

Where are the cookies?

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 17 Nov 2011 18:20:

In the kitchen, helloooo?!
And take the fireplace there, too, I'm shvitzing my a&& off.

whataday!
The kids (almost) slept through the night.
I didn't act out.
I didn't have a break-down.
I was late for shacharis, but some guy's birthday was today and he went out of his way to put together a minyan, so I heard chazoras hashatz and kriya anyways.
Then I forced myself to go to an SA meeting and none of the regular guys were there, which always throws me off, but there was this guy whom I've never seen before...
turns out he's a Jew (not frum, but mit a Yiddishe ta'am), and he's been sober for 11 years, and he offered to sponsor me so now I have a
SPONSOR!
He gave me some home work, and I bought the WhiteBook. ($8, a bargain!)
I am still working out my resentment towards my wife. I couldn't bring myself to express any positive emotions in anticipation of her return tonight, only "when is she gonna be back already so I can be rid of the pressures of single fatherhood".
I wrote a couple of stick-it notes with "I miss you" and stuff and put them around her wordrobe, but I did it with a heavy heart, like a chore (so now in addition to resenting my wife, I am also resenting UAJ for giving me the chore).
And I did make the seabass in a curry-coconut sauce.
I should probably bring flowers to the airport, but the scruge in me is saying that if I struggle to meet rent, I should probably not buy flowers.
I iz excited 'bout the sponsor-man, though....

obormottel wrote on 18 Nov 2011 00:35:


This should be my biggest problem in life.  I'm glad to hear that all is well.  Enjoy the sea bass dinner.  I wonder whose bright idea that "chore" was?

Cooking is not a chore, unless you are a woman! Real men cook for pleasure and also to boast before their other male friends.

Ok, so headboard of the bed, bathroom mirror, wardrobe ukedoime full of purple post-it notes, I set out to pick up my darling. One of the kids dragged along, so we learnt a kashya on Toisfois while driving.
I davened before leaving that the little ones shouldn't wake up while we're away, 'cause I don't trust the middle child (who was left babysitting) to do the right thing. I also davened that we should turn around fast, and kach havo, no traffic or delays at the airport, we did it in under an hour. Thank you Hashem!
Now...we get home, the Wife is not hungry, so she's not even sitting down. So I nibble on my fish, and frankly, I took a shot of bourbon (I didn't have time to finish a bottle of wine). Ok, a big shot.
She got presents for everyone, except me. So my son gave me his t-shirt (I hope he did it 'cause he didn't like the t-shirt, not because he read on my face that "poor me didn't get nothing again :'( ").
The kids rush into the bedroom and start reading my notes outloud. By then, I was hating life again...
I am so dumb. Even as I am writing this, I can't beleive my immaturity level.
On a positive side, in the good old days I would have probably acted out just in anticipation of finally being with the Wife.
Yesterday, I put myself into a mindset of not expecting sex at all. I had to remind myself a couple of times during the day that if nothing happens tonight, it's just as well. Sex is optional. So I wasn't fantasizing or planning even a little bit.
Now, I'm not the one to kiss and tell, so I'll just leave it at that, but NOT anticipating good time was an unusual excercise which I beleive did me well.

You left out the most important part.... What was your wife's reaction?  Did she appreciate it???  Please tell!

Aww, c'mon, Gibbor. What about preserving the mystique?

...had you pegged as a real romantic.

Nu.

While I'm reading a book (a rare occurence indeed  ) don't tell me the ending.  Once I get to the end, the author better not leave anyting to the imagination! I WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!  >

Gibbor I thought that it was kind of obvious that he got pretty good advice.
Obormottel, you can't say that the recipe was clear enough that you should use organically certified inconspicuous places. But don't kick yourself because in this day and age when parents are getting divorced left and right its not so bad that your kids know that you and your side enjoy a close loving relationship.
Glad to see you were able to have the right attitude. Have a wonderful Shabbos.

Well, she mentioned in passing that she liked the notes. She had the fish for breakfast today (this is SO not a breakfast item, but whateva).
And she was being a good wife all throughout the evening, so I guess she was happy to see me. She even said something in this regard, but I was too busy entertaining infantile thoughts in my head to listen closely.
As for Dov's post, I always worry that I misunderstand and then comment in an offensive tone, so I checked the dictionary for "pegged" and I still don't know what you meant.
But being a semi-real romantic, I was disappointed as to the lack of a hot embrace at the airport (what, with the kid in the car and all the on-lookers). 

ur-a-jew wrote on 18 Nov 2011 19:47:

I once heard R Twerski on a tape say, that if you don't want to show affection to your wife in front of your children out of tzniyus concerns, that is fine.... But then you can't fight in front of them either.  I think it is good for kids to see some affection, although I myself have a hard time with it sometimes.  No OM, I'm not referring to a "hot embrace" as you called it, just some affection "I love you"...perhaps a small hug... stuff like that.

yeah, a quiet "I missed you" would have been nice...

So I was gonna spend some time on the forum today, telling anontyva about coming clean to wife, yelling at SSBT, giving SouthafricanJew another piece of my mind, sharing with Hagaon my thoughts on 90 days, and incouraging Kiddushashem. It was supposed to be a good day in the Mottel Universe.
Instead, G-d B"H has other palns.
I spent four nights trying to convince a kid of mine that he doesn't need to be breastfed, and I have succeeded with G-d's help, where the baby just slept through the night without asking to be nursed. It wasn't my idea of how to wean a kid off, I was kind of thrown into the deep and expected to swim back to shore, and I am proud to say I did it.
So what does the wife do as soon as she comes back? The first night? You got it: she nurses the baby.
So I say something, as far from my usual degrading manner as I can, but still disparaging. Then she does something else with the kid that I specifically asked not to do.
By then it's already Motzei Shabbos, we've spent last couple of days pretty amicably, and Shabbos, too.
One of the older kids develops some sort of sickness, so I leave a message for a doctor as soon as Shabbos is over, and tell the wife that since she doesn't need me anyways, 'cause she does everything her own way, I'm gonna go to an SA meeting with my new sponsor, and she should wait for the doctor to call back; I'll be back in an hour.
Ok. So here is the message she leaves on my phone while I'm away (she's home with all the kids, both her parents, and our Shabbos guest):
"Put my car back into garage, pack your sh!t, and get the ...out of the house!".
Luckily, I didn't hear the message until this morning, when I also found a note I wrote her that said "I love you" to which she added "No, you don't" and put it in my drawer.
Turns out, the doctor called back and ordered them into emergency room. So she drove the kid, while her parents stayed behind with the rest of them.
B'Hashgocho Protis, I didn't make it to the meeting either: I didn't like the way I left the house, so I just stayed in my car and read a few pages of the White Book, and I was back home in under 40 min.
She wouldn't talk to me on the phone while she was in the hospital, even though I let the in-laws go, put the little ones to sleep, and was ready to leave the sleeping ones with the middle kid, and go to the emergency room to relieve her (they were waiting for tests to come back, and it's very slow in ER on Sat. night, as you prolly know). So I called the kid who had his phone on and gave her the message that she can be back home in half-an-hour if she so desires. No. Then she wouldn't talk to me when she came home.
Then this morning I listened to my messages.
Can I pleeeeease just shoot myself?
I added in Shomine Esrei today that I want G-d's Will for my life to be fulfilled, not mine.
I really don't wanna leave. I was actually thinking about it last night while singing lullabies to the tots, "how good it is to have to be invlolved in my kids life, and to be part of a family, and thank You, Hashem, for putting some sense into my head to try and get well so I can do it full time, instead some of the time".
But I am too d4mn proud to be treated like a rag...
I did call my sponsor, and another guy, and I am still sober, although I went to the office to write this (this comp is filtered).
I will probably not kill myself, I love my kids too much. But I may be sleeping under the bridge with no internet service, so if you don't hear from me, a kappitel tehilim may be in order.

Sounds like both of you are guilty of conduct unbecoming a spouse. So who will blink first. Well by your own admission you haven't always been there for the kids since you were busy with your addiction and you have not always spoken to her nicely and even now you were nicer than usual bit still disparaging.  So you certainly have what to apologize for. Interestingly enough just like our pride prevents us from admitting we are wrong it is also at the root of lust. Should you choose to apologize you may find the attached helpful.
Wishing you much hatzlacha and a warm peaceful night in your own bed.