Dear GonnaBeKodosh,
Remember that all is in the hands of HaShem! Our very lives and, Yes, even all our actions and also all of our desires!! The question is: What do we do with these desires? in other words: what is our intention? Is our intention to feel pleasure for ourselves or is our intention to bestow Pleasure upon HaShem? This is the choice that we have to make. If our intention is for the sake of HaShem then positive thoughts will come to us. The situation you are now in will serve to expand your desire for Kedusha. It is perfecting your desire for Him exactly from this opposite side! Ask HaShem to change your intention so that all or your thoughts, desires and actions will be for Him and He will be faithfull to do so!
Another thing I recommmend; Ask help from your spouse! Secrets will only ruin a marriage and if you are really willing to do what it takes to quit and confess earnestly and openly to your spouse...Then she is the best help you can ever get from a person. My wife asked me tons of questions when I confessed my problem in this area to her! I answered all of her questions and proofed to her that my desire to quit was sincere. She forgave me and felt bad for me for having struggled for so long. I had falls after that, but she forgave me every single time. I'm now almost a year clean after 30 years of addiction. All this thanks to Hashem, my wife and GYE.
It is my hope and prayer that you will soon be released from this addiction and serve HaShem freely and with simcha!
Stay strong and keep posting
whishing you all the best
Mordechai