B"H things have been good these past few days. but i say few. friday i had a dumb fall of me just trying to get around my filter but its no longer an issue and i'm working on a strategy that i've known for a while to fight this. its the concept that any time you fall, its only a chance for you to fight back harder. just like with a bow and arrow, the more you get pulled back, the farther you'll be able to go ahead. so i'm trying to focus on z'rizus in pretty much every area. so far its kept me busy.

Day 3

keep on trucking!!!!!!!!!!!

:-\ i fell today. it came down to knocking down fences i set up (i.e. keeping my door open when using the computer etc.). i actually think though that one of my biggest problems is that i'm not growing as a person, which is the scariest thing i could say. i'm learning, working and taking care of many of my responsibilities, but to be painfully and brutally honest, i dont feel like i'm growing. part of it im sure is because i'm not learning any mussar (which i've already rescheduled to fix that).

but i also feel like its the environment i'm in. being with a non-religious family after a year in yeshiva is a culture shock. (not to air out my dirty laundry, but...) there are some things with my family i wish i wasnt exposed to. for one, i wish i didnt have access to a tv. its not even that i watch it often but any time i walk through the room its some show or commercial focused on externalism, capitalism or anything else contrary to yiddishkeit. i'm heading off to school soon so hopefully i'll be able to avoid it but for the time being, being exposed to american-ism is rough. eh, i guess that's enough of a rant.

but so after this fall, here's what i''m doing to fix the problems:
-only use the computer with the door to my room open. if i use it with the door closed (regardless of the purpose), i cant use it again that day.
-learn 15 minutes of mussar a day. this length of time is manageable for my schedule but still allows me to be able to internalize what i'm learning.
- any off day of work, go for a run. period. and run at least 2 times a week.

hopefully these changes will be conducive to growth. thanks for readin'

The Rabe will come in here soon and say "Fell Shmell" - "Keep on trucking". So until the Reba stops in take it form me.

Listen, the main thing to focus on now is about to keep on trucking. Pick yourself up and go on. Lets start again, with new Kobulas and with Hoshems help, you will suceed.

back and just wanted to check in quickly. B"H everything is still going well. learning mussar after shacharis and before i go to sleep and its not taxing on my day; its really just being economical with my time. i've had my tests so far but with H-shems help and realizing that every test is a chance to serve Him, i've been able to pull through.

Day 4

Amazing! It's great that you made some gedarim to protect yourself. Keep it up!

just checkin in. had a busy day but when i got home B"H i spent some nice time with my siblings. i feel like despite the crazy days, a calm has come into my life, especially with regards to this area and computer use. i guess it means i gotta make sure i dont slip. hopefully i'll learn a little extra mussar to keep me going.

hatzlocha.

day 5

7 individually meaningful, significant and dependent days have gone by. so far (bli ayin hara) i havent had any slips and i figured id post some thoughts on the past week for my own benefit and who knows, maybe this'll help someone else.

- doing a little bit of mussar every day really helps. even just two or three pages of mesillas yesharim in english can be enough to be a spiritual pick-me-up and give me hashkofa to think about for the whole day. (even a paragraph or sentence can do that much as well). i usually try to do it right after shacharis so its a good ruchnius-vitamin for the day and sets a tone early on.
- learning before i go to sleep is another great way to constantly be focused on growing. right now, because i'm focused on waking up well and being misgaber c'ari, learning a sefer with a piece on that has been my focus and its been really helpful. once again, even if its little, it helps.
-just staying busy. its about preemptive strike with this one. if i know i'm gonna have a "free" day, plan it jam packed with stuff. not that you necessarily have to get all of that stuff done but (with discipline) make sure that youre occupied and have ways to fill the time.
-daven for others with internet, shemiras einayim and shemiras habris problems, as well as yourself. we all know that we cant be ovdei H-shem without His help in any area, much less this one.

well, just some thoughts. hopefully everyone's day went well. i had a bit of a long one that ended on a really sour note and i certainly didnt get in as much learning as i wouldve liked. but b'ezrat H-shem i will be able to capitalize on tomorrow. and because im off of work, i know i'll have loads of free time, which i plan to use for learning, reading and running. with H-shem's help, hopefully i'll return with good news.

hatzlocha.

day 7.

Hi Shlomo-

Thanks for sharing all that's been going on with you. Your fences and Kabalos are great! I hope to put some into effect in my own life. I have some free time now till I start Yeshiva/school, so IY"H I'll spend more time learning and reading and also running!! Those are great ideas - thanks for the motivation!

I wish you MUCH Hatzlacha in your journey and may Hashem help you and all of us on our quests to purity!

Hi - hope you're doing well, brother. Long time no speak.

Shlomo wrote on 25 Aug 2011 03:33:

Don't forget Trukkin. KOT my brother!

i suppose if we are mekabel shabbos "on the truck" we are alowed to stay the whole shabbos on it

Seems halachikly sound to me

shavuah tov.

B"H things have been good for the most part. right now, i'm through 5 days. And before that i had one of my longest streaks in recent memory. Ive been really stressed with school recently so that added to my stress level and took away time from learning but B"H thats not what caused my most recent fall. The biggest reason was because i found that because of the way the internet is set up at the school, it disables K9, which is obviously a huuuuuge issue. At this point, i havent found any way to get around it in terms of the software but i have put up fences and "punishments" to make sure that i dont use my computer while im in the room alone. so far its worked really well and as long as i stay focused on my learning and schoolwork (in that order  i know that with H-shem's help i can tip the scales in my favor.

i hope everyone's elul is meaningful!

i guess you could say i'm walking back with my tail between my legs.

its been two months since my last post and things have been up and down. for the most part, the time between falls is up, which is good in one sense. but its still sooooo frustrating that i cant kick this. after i fall, i try and patch up the area that caused me to fall. but then i always seem to find yet another way to get around the fences I have set up. thank G-d i have a filter on my computer and phone, but i guess i dont have the discipline to keep at it 100% of the time.

i guess thats my main problem: there are times i feel inspired and i want to kick this habit. but then there are times where i feel like its going to take years to go away, so why bother stopping this one fall? part of me hopes that its just teenage hormones but i  have an inkling that its becoming more deeply rooted than that.

i have somewhat of a setup using the taphsik method that helps somewhat but i'm going to have to revamp it to keep working on myself.

hopefully i'll be able to post more regularly and keep strong, just for today.

shavuah tov.