day 9,
Thank you Tomim2b, for your your encouraging post.
  I think back on those moments after the fall, and i write something
Just to clarify i haven't actually fallen!

AAAUUUGGHHH!!
  I fell, again!
  Has all of my work been for NOTHING!
  How, g-d, could you allow this to happen to me!
  How could you bring me through these twisted halls once more!
  I'm so hungry!
  Why is it all so empty! I need sustenance!
  More! MORE! I'm not full yet!
Not Yet, Dammit!
  I am powerless! I will never live!

  I admit, darker than i like to write.
This boy is feeling pretty awful, but then he went on GYE and heard a whole set of different voices
 

Eden, another beautiful story - should I say poem? More fitting for sure. You say a friend came over and you watched a movie - a very familiar setting. I understand you fully - it is incredibly hard to balance between friends - and doing the right thing. The struggle is there - but maybe ultimately your friends will appreciate and respect it when you say what you have/want to do? And if not, they might not be such true friends after all.

You can imagine how hard this is to write.
  I had a fall.
I'm ready to start over, i think, i hope.
  I write about the sorrow, hopelessness, and self contempt one feels when one falls,
It's a whole other story when your feeling it.

  After finding no SLA conferences in my area, and realizing that i need more help, i think it's time to get a counselor.
My goal is to contact insurance to get a counselor today.
More to come, g-d please help me.

DONT LOOK WHERE YOU FELL...
..LOOK WHERE YOU SLIPPED

Eden, I have just read your recent posts and would like to provide my thoughts and suggestions, which may be of help based on my own experiences:

1. Even though you get back on two feet ready to fight over again, you have to work out why you continue to slip up.
2. Once you have this awareness, admit them to Hashem.
3. Build fences. Really strong fences.

I could give you so many more suggestions, but lets start with the above. Again, this is from personal experience. I have had to learn the hard way despite continuously wanting to fight and be successful.
Sometimes we are not meant to be successful in a specific test - (but we should only confess this after a slip, Hashem y'Rachem).

I kept instructing myself to be strong and determined. The truth is I did not fully understand nor appreciate what this meant, despite enormous persistence in 'getting back up'. Remember, it is not us that is fighting, it is Hashem who is saving and protecting. My friends, we will all see the personal geula really soon but please be true and kind to ourselves. We merely cannot afford to fall any more. And lets never forget, always be happy in our lives journey to the 'ohr ha-Shechinah'.

b'Hazlacha

Eden, how did you fall? Was it a missing filter? Was it something on the street? Or something entirely different?

Do you have a good friend that knows about your addiction? If not, it is one substitute for SA-groups I think. HaShem sometimes saves one through others!

Do not look behind. Learn from your fall and forget the ugly feelings; serve HaShem with a joyous heart!!

SA and SLAA have meetings in cities everywhere. Are you sure you don't have any at all?

Also, you can join GYE's 12-Step phone conferences. have you considered that option?

As far as a counselor, make sure they are trained in dealing with addictions. See this page for a list of some good therapists in the field, both in Israel and the U.S... Where you at?

Don't feel down. The addiction FEEDS off the despair.

We are all here for you!

bardichev wrote on 31 Aug 2009 19:58:
Tremendous!
It isn't the last drink that get's us in trouble (drunk). It's the first one we take that we need to be concerned with. Cuz we need His help for that one be'ikar!!
With acceptance of this my life gets much easier be"H.

IS THAT NOT A GREAT YESOD
?

Indeed it is a great ikar,
  I'm finally ready to pick myself up and start over.
This was a hard one.
Iv'e literally smashed the computer that i abused the most. I know crazy right?
  I've also revamped the filters to cut out games, movies and the like.
The scary thing is that i know that i can manipulate the filters if i am too crazy.
  For example i could tell my parents that i need to use the computer for school purposes and that the website i need is blocked, (which could be true). Then i could watch movies and play video games to my hearts content.
  Something is missing, i think from my regiment, i think it could be two things.
  1. I need to habituate myself to more compassionate thought patterns.
  2. I need a constant source of support, like a sponsor. My brother spoke about talking through those times of need. I don't have that, i just run for the hills.
  3. I also need to thoroughly work the 12 steps.

The obvious solutions are the phone meetings, look further into SLA meets. Rereading the handbook and staying active on the website. With g-d's help i will accomplish these things.

Eden wrote on 09 Sep 2009 15:04:
R' Eden, it seems to me that you are spelling out the crux of the problem for an addict (or anyone w/chronic self-destructive behavior problems). The good thing is that it's also the solution: If we are manipualtive liars and cannot trust ourselves, how can we possibly police and guide our own recovery? On the other hand, who else can? It's "im ein anee lee, mee lee" (I need to help myself!) vs. "uch'she'anee le'atzmee, moh anee?" (I need to get out of myself!). Hey, Life, what do you want from me?! All I can see is my little, cracked world, from the inside! And I made it so! What am I to do?!
As almost anyone I know in recovery would report that all the good stuff started once we finally accepted that our situation was impossible. Really impossible. Not a matter of enough of the right kind of chizzuk, often enough, trying hard enough, whatever...Just. Plain. Impossible. And there's no evidence it's ever going away. Until then we are like rich folks. Look at the guys living it up in Dubai and acting "frum". When you have $750 billion, who really needs G-d? Not me. That's right, my addiction taught me I'm like that. I was "frum" but only came to see I really needed G-d, as a result of my hopelessness in addiction. So, my acting out brought me closer to Hashem than my Rebbi did. Lucky, actually, right? But it hurt. So now what?

Yeah. My self-talking trash never got me anywhere good. Just the plain truth. I believe that what the Torah informs us about the way we should be, is far less relevant to actually saving our lives in early recovery than what our actions show us about the way we really are. We are not bad at all, just sick. If we'd see a video of the actions we take in acting out, I doubt we'd say: "that guy is evil". I know I'd say, "poor guy is a wierdo. Really needs help." So now what?

I couldn't agree more, tzadik!

Thank you Dov,
  Much appreciated the feedback.

An internal dialogue i sent to my faithful and patient 90$ for 90 days sponsor.

I'll admit it, there is conflict here. I intellectually know that i am addicted, i can see the symptoms.
  However there is still a voice within me that says that i'm not addicted, that i can handle it.
I know that when sunday comes around that it's this voice that brings me to the fall.
  So i respond to that voice. "No, experience shows that for me lust is a means of escaping reality, of throwing off the yoke; there is no rationality in it beside escaping fear and stress.
  You tell me that i'm just putting my foot in the water, that just a little bit and i'll stop.
  Easy.
  But wrong; I've already dove in.

Beating that little, tiny voice ... is probably the hardest and at the same time maybe most important step on our journey!

from personal experience, when the voice of your yetzer tov (your true essence) is louder than 'the other voice', it is a wonderful and uplifting personal achievement.

This can be achieved, but you need to work hard. Think about what has and has not worked for you over the past few weeks..

Avoid anything that might lead you to sin at all costs. Make everyday count.

b'Hazlacha

Ughh I had a difficult day over shabbat.
 I struggled with self contempt,
  i don't know why but it seemed like this malignant voice in my head wouldn't shut off all day.
   Breathing exercises didn't work, self talk wasn't helping, talking with my parents.
    I visited some other people and that helped to forget the suffering.
     But then when i left their house it just came right back.
       In the end i threw in the towel and went to read secular books to distract myself from the suffering. (no falls or anything)
         Honestly, thinking about yesterdays suffering i'm still a little shaken up.
                I'm taking out from that experience that i would like therapy to assist me in this regard.
                Also i'm not sure how, but i would like to write this event in a calender or something or find some way to keep track
                 these thought patterns, some sort of accounting method.