Hi-

I know and appreciate that this is probably not a healthy attitutude but it is where  I am.  I am getting married in the next few months.  I would like to get a good head start on kicking/ controlling this addiction before I do!  I am almost 3 days clean and they have not been the easiest days!! I have been struggling with this since a friend introduced me to p**n at the age of 14.  I am now 26.  This has gone on way too long.  I was clean for about 6 months before when I went to israel to learn in yeshiva for a second time, but then fell back into almost daily problems.  It feels very therapeutic to write this out. I have never admitted except to myself about my issues and feel a lot betterabout being able to do battle together. 

Ok, like 5th challenge of the day.  I was watching some TV online and there was a commercial for a different show that ellicited my lust.  I got past it fairly quickly, BH!! but I want to make it through the day! The first few days are normally extremely easy or ridiculously hard.... I normally can't make it to 7 days every other time I tried.  When I went 6 or more months it was because my tiava wasn't ellicited as much during that time since I spent most of my time in yeshiva and didn't go to areas that I knew I had problems with the last time I was there.

First of all , elicit :p

second of all, HI! You've come to the right place for kickin it, that's for sure. I'll take the liberty to give you the introductory package.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Thank you very much for the spelling correction, the intro guide and the welcome :-)

Still going strong :-) Erev shabbos and the beginning of shabbos was hard, but I pulled through. Shabbos was much easier but having a hard time at the moment.  I think I will be fine though :-) I want to make it to 7 days. It has been a very long time since I made it to 7 days!

Good luck

Everybody here is on your team.

Dont let us down

No pressure

Btw I wish I knew this site existed before I was married. I would lift my pants so I could run faster (gemara) and be part of this holy group of people. So just stay here and no matter what happens you've already taken a strong step forward.

Thank you very much, wannabehappy!! I do plan on staying and not letting anyone, especially myself, down.  For me it is really a matter of my being able to control my sexual outlets and desires rather than worrying about the issurim involved.  I found that I was much healthier that way.  At some point, I will probably re include that aspect. Anyway, I discovered being out and about often is very helpful for helping to control these issues, though it seems as though the desires and temptations are built up.  I have found that when I get involved in something very interesting the urges often go away for a while, something interesting to note for future times when I am struck.

One thing about this site.

They say it only works when you are completely forthcoming with yourself and the site.

That means you will really only benefit when you spell out your reality now not your theoretical later.

Is it really enough for you to just keep busy?

Great!

So why do you need to be here.

Get my point?




Im also a new guy. But spilling my guts here, feels right,will help me get the right advice and will help others.

I hope you just need to keep busy.

Ok, interesting point.  2 responses (One defensive and one explanatory)
1) It is hard to stay busy when you have a taiva not to leave and just watch stuff, but when I do get out and about, I am normally more able to control it, I think, or at least during the busy times....
2) I was using this as a forum to throw out ideas, to think through the subject.  It is often helpful for me to write about an issue that I am having and try to come up with some initial ideas.  Once I am willing to write about it, I am able to admit it to myself.  In addition, I was hoping to hear some responses on where my thought process might be correct or going wrong? Maybe this is more of a practical forum? 

There is no wrong way to approach talking in this forum (just don't get too graphic. wouldn't want triggers now, would we?)

Any kind of uncovering of the self you do here will ultimately be beneficial to you and everyone here.

You're anonymous. While it's not an idea way to get better, don't be afraid to get everything off your chest. We are all inspired listening to fellow yidden work through their struggles.

kickinit81 wrote on 06 Jun 2011 14:05:

Excellent idea!  If they're not working, throw them out!


Which subject?  I'm not clear on that one.


Yes - writing helps.  It can put "the subject" into perspective.  Especially when we reread what we wrote a couple of weeks ago, and shudder


Different to the ones that weren't working, and that you threw out?


Out of curiosity, being quite specific, what did you write here that you were previously unable to admit to yourself?
kickinit81 wrote on 03 Jun 2011 16:53:

I pulled out this quote - not to embarrass you, but rather question your honesty with yourself.  If you now think that you have done something by writing here, perhaps you are tricking yourself into thinking you have "come further, through doing something".  Maybe you have.  But your older post seems to indicate otherwise.  Perspective is a flexible and interesting thing.



Okay - all joking aside, now.
What is your thought process?  That you should concentrate on stopping before worrying about issurim?




Would there be any value, at all, whatsoever, if it were theoretical and not practical?  If you want to change what you do, is there any other way?  I tend to think that this is a rather theoretical place!

Here is how I read your situation (I am frequently wrong):
I am a bochur, but for not very much longer.  I have some challenges, that I find unhealthy behavior compelling.  I am very scared that this will affect me in marriage, and I want to start marriage in a healthy way, with a clean slate.  I've tried a few times to control myself, and it works for a bit, but not much longer.  This situation is untenable, and I recognize that I might need to do something more before I get married, in order to achieve said "clean slate".

I am uncomfortable reaching out for help, and really want to work this out for myself.  I am usually self-sufficient, and consider myself a good and intelligent person.  That I cannot do this myself seems a bit confusing, so I have dipped my toe in the water on this forum, to see what it's all about.  I don't really want to give up too much of myself in here, but I really would like some help.

Getting involved on a personal level is challenging for me, and I have already shared on here, which is a big thing for me.  Can someone please read my mind and my heart, and give me the answers I need?  I'm really starting to get desperate!

Does anyone have some nuggets of advice that I can chew over, that will bring me (with lots of work, of course), to enlightenment, sobriety and eventual teshuva?

TheJester wrote on 06 Jun 2011 14:29:


You pretty much nailed it except the desperate part.  For me sharing this with other people was opening myself up to getting help.  The topic that I was referring to was an approach to sexuality in a healthy non-addictive manner. The admission that had been unable to admit to others or myself that I had a problem that I wanted to address in the forms of sexual addiction coming in the way of pornography and masturbation. 

Re: The quote that you pulled out, I appreciate that you did, here is what I was saying:  Being a part of a group self-help group has helped me feel connected to others that have been struggling with the same issues.  Reading about other people's struggles has helped me on a daily basis at this early stage of the battle to "make it through the day".  The admission itself was an admission that I have an addiction that I am working on that I don't have the power to overcome individually.

Such a pity - desperation would make doing so much easier!

What, if not desperation, is motivating you?

And what are you currently doing?

Desperation = powerlessness, for many people.

It takes a lot to realize that desperation gives some pretty intense power, if you're looking for it.

TheJester wrote on 06 Jun 2011 15:09:


What is motivating me is a desire to be in control of myself.  In general, I don't like being reliant on outside forces for my thoughts and feelings, which is why it was so hard originally to write on here.  I have been reading some of the materials here for months before I decided that I was ready for the 90 Journey... What do you mean, what am I currently doing? In terms of the addiction or in my life?
musicman wrote on 06 Jun 2011 15:35:


I hear that.  I have come to that point in other areas of my life and it has been a powerful motivator, however it is also not a sustainable force of strength.  It might be worthwhile trying to build up my strength anyway?