Think I'm going to change my username to creepy, and then every time I post I'll get tons of replies and thank you's.

How many Yeshiva bochurim does it take to change a lightbulb?

You used to post about your challenges. You got many responses there 

tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Jan 2025 13:28:

Loved this joke. 

Who are you quoting? asking for a friend...

A guy comes out of a police station saying his urine test came back negative, and he’s gonna kill his dealer. 

Latest: Libs furious at Trump for revoking funding for research aimed at discovering the speed of time.

One night, Biden is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
Biden asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did", Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Biden is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Biden calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did", Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep still does not come for Biden. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Biden whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did", FDR replies, and fades into the mist.
Biden isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Biden pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No", he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar", she responded.
"I mean", he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
"He said, Do you have a real grudge?"
"No", she replied, "We have a two-car driveway and have never really needed one."
"Please", he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes", she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce", she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Art critic : "Ah! And what is this ? It is superb! What soul! What expression!"

Artist : "Yeah ? That's where I clear the paint off my brushes".

A car pulls up with a jerk.
The jerk gets out and the car drives off.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. 
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is." 
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" 

grade school son comes out of bath
Son: "I'm freezing!"
Me: So get dressed
Son: but I'm holding something, how can I get dressed if my hands are full?
Me: put your stuff on the floor and then get dressed.
Son: but how will I know where I left my stuff in the morning?
Me: put it in its place
Son: I don't know where to put it
Me: don't you have a box for all your stuff?
Son: yes, but i usually don't put anything there.
Me: So start putting your stuff there
Son: but since I do not usually put my stuff there I won't think to look there. 
Me: so how do you usually find your stuff in the morning?
Son: I usually lose my stuff until someone finds it (usually me or his mommy stepping on it or throwing it out...)
Me: maybe start putting your stuff where it goes and then you will know where it is
Son: I think I'll just leave it under my pillow. That's where i leave my kippa.
Me: ok then. goodnight, love you.


Not a joke but thought it was funny

Two cannibals in the jungle are standing over a fire with a large boiling pot, stirring the soup with wooden spoons. One cannibal turns to the other and says, "You know, I really hate my mother in law. I really don't like her at all, she just makes me sick".
The other cannibal replies, "So just eat the noodles".

Soon after our company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators.
A manager got stuck between floors and, after some door banging, finally attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.
It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and got the manager out.
When he returned to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary:
"The elevator people called and will be here in two hours."