www.lakewoodlocal.com/2011/09/25/video-mendy-pellin-how-to-dip-your-apple-in-honey/

I need to find a bucket big enough for my desktop.

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review, just remember, it could have been worse.  These are actual quotes taken from
Federal Government employee performance evaluations. Political party not indicated.

1.  "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and  has started to dig."
2.  "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3.  "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4.  "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5.  "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6.  "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7.  "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8.  "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9.  "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10.  "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11.  "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12.  "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13.  "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
14.  "He's been working with glue too much."
15.  "He would argue with a signpost."
16.  "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17.  "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18.  "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19.  "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20.  "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21.  "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22.  "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23.  "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24.  "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25.  "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26.  "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27.  "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28.  "One neuron short of a synapse."
29.  "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30.  "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

Most are pretty corny but you never know what makes someone laugh:

Obscure Engineering Conversion Factors

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 bicycles = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = One I.V.  League

In the past month I:
• blew a ram's horn,
• ate a fish head,
• swung a chicken around my head,
• dressed in a suit & sneakers,
• wore a white robe,
• prayed & fasted for 25 hours,
• built & ate in a hut with a leaky bamboo ceiling,
• walked around with a palm branch & a citrus fruit,
• whipped willow branches on the floor,
• ate roughly 8 lbs of meat & 
• used 6 vacation days without leaving my neighborhood. 

ZS, now try explaining all that to a goy .

Thanks! I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard!

Thanks! I can't remember the last time that I laughed so hard!

Haven't laughed out loud in front of the computer since Reb bards was actively trying to convert me to normalcy. Unfortunately, he failed miserably.

He really is a panic, too.

Thanks for that and have a really nice Shabbos...

:o whipping a willow branch, really.....

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 28 Oct 2011 16:42:

and being a sex addict is not considered normal for some reason?

Most of us did some pretty crazy things to try and bargain our way out of this mess, to no avail...

Whipping a willow branch...sheesh.

You  have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. 
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read  on...


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their  infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO  CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:  Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about  buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO:  I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the  windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and  software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write  proposals, track  expenses and run my business. What do you  have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend  anything?

ABBOTT: I  just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say  I'm sitting  at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What  word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers.  What  about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How  much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A  few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help  you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?         

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...

Awesome!

;D ;D ;D
Your makin me laugh a lot today buddy. keep em coming!

A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.

This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way.

When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before."

Zemmy, I'm sure glad that you don't charge by the smile (and that you don't try to circumcise bears).  I'd be broke.  Oops, I'm already broke,  Oh well, keep on smiling .