hat-tip to yeshivaworld

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 21 Jul 2011 20:28:



She smells Seychelles at the Zed store!"  ??? I don't get it. Not really funny.

Blind Beggar wrote on 22 Jul 2011 05:50:


gevaldigggg!

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
     
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.  And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence.
     
"My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
     
"Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady.  But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him."
     
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
     
"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
     
"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
     
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
   
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
     
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
     
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
     
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
     
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
     
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
     
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
     
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
     
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
     
"Sam," the man moaned.
     
"Where ya from, Sam?"
     
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

There's a dropout named Bobby and a super genius named Greg sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the dropout and says, "Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you 50 bucks."
     
The dropout says, "Alright, man."
     
The genius asks the dropout, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?"
     
The dropout replies, "I don't know." and hands the genius five bucks.
     
"Okay," the dropout says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?"
     
The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. He hands the dropout 50 bucks then asks, "So, what is the answer?"
     
The dropout says, "I don't know." and hands the genius five bucks.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Three men were walking the beaches of California when they found a genie in a bottle that offered each of them one wish.

The first man had some financial troubles and therefore asked for a million dollars which the genie granted.
The second man had some health issues and asked for him to be healed to which the genie obliged.

The third man requested a bridge be built to Hawaii.  The genie replied “I’m sorry that is too hard  That is a tremendous project and not realistic to carry out. Please ask for something else”.  So the man then asked, “Okay, please then explain to me what women really want”.

The genie then said “Do you want the bridge to have two or three lanes?”

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spendin g a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted.

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!"

A  well known  anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink

When he sees a guy  close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have
to be an Einstein to  know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can  hear,

"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender,  but not for that Jew over there.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the  Jewish guy
is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you."   
This infuriates him and in  a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for
everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the
Jewish guy who continues to smile, and  again says,

"Thank you."  So Peter says to the  barman,

"What's the matter with that Jew?  I've  ordered two rounds of drinks for  everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is
he nuts?


"Nope," replies the  bartender.  "He owns the place."

With the Reba back here. the whole site became a "Depressed Person's Chill Spot"

i am in violent agreement

t'is a good thing

100%, in the last 24 hours i've been laughing more then i have the rest of my life, even though, i have some personal hardships. The rebas sense of humor keeps me trucking FOREVER.

what!!??

u need heavy ther-happy!!!