The invoice query
Lionel has been seeing Dr Myers, his psychiatrist, for some weeks now for his schizophrenia and eventually receives an invoice for the first month’s treatment. But when he reads it, he is shocked – it’s for ?1,000. He immediately phones Dr Myers.
"Doctor," Lionel says, "I’ve just got your bill for ?1,000. I thought you told me your charge is ?500 per month."
"But my dear Lionel," replies Dr Myers, "it is ?500 per month  ….. but for each, don’t forget."

Fair Share
Judith picks a firm of lawyers from the Yellow Pages and makes an appointment to see someone from their Family department.
"How can I help you, madam?" asks the lawyer.
"Is it true," asks Judith, "that if I get divorced, I'm entitled to 50% of all of my husband's possessions?"
"Well," the lawyer replies, "the law firm would get their fee, of course, but even after this payment, it is usually the case that the woman ends up receiving at least 50%, maybe a bit more, of her husband’s entire assets. So tell me, are you ready for a divorce at this moment?"
"Oh no," replies Judith, "I need to find a husband first."

A wife asked her Husband to describe her.
He said: you're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
She said: "what does that mean?"
He said: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Friendly, Gorgeous, Humane
She said: Oh that's so lovely. What about I , J, K ?
He said: "I'm Just Kidding"

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?" 

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

computer problems?

Needed that, thanks!

Gulp.

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!

Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had....
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

have you checked your mezuzos lately?

...always wondered what that "shin" stands for....

dov wrote on 05 Jul 2011 16:46:


Actually reminds me of a vort I saw this week.  Rabbi Chaim Volozhin one Shabbos found some bochurim sitting around on Shabbos shmoozing.  When he confronted them, they responded by saying Shabbos is roshei taivos:  Sicha Bshabbos Taanug.  He answered that the difference between a Shin and a Sin is where the the dot is.  A shin has the dot on the right and the sin has the dot on the left.  The possuk says:  לֵב חָכָם לִימִינוֹ, וְלֵב כְּסִיל לִשְׂמֹאלוֹ

While this maybe over the head of שְׂאושׁיּ lovers: המבין יבין

Bingo!

Please it's so dry in here
chevra show some wit

I can't believe that no one has posted this yet.  It's one of my all time favorites.

    The Development of a Halacha: Making Your Bed
    Reprinted with permission from Yosid For the Chosid

Many years ago, in a far away country, there was a well-known
rabbi who was consulted on all sorts of matters relating to the
Jewish people. His wisecounsel was sought from people of all walks
of life, and the community at large accepted his decisions, as they
understood that his rulings and pronouncements were divinely inspired.

So when one time he met with some parents of his students, and a
few mothers complained that their children were not making their
beds, he assured them that he would deal with the matter.. That
week, in his public address to his students, he mentioned that the
students should always make sure to make their beds in the morning.
When the person transcribing the speech wrote up his review of the
talk, he made sure to emphasize the rabbi's intention. He wrote,
"The Rosh Yeshiva today ruled that one is m'chuyav to make his bed
in the morning." Word spread fast. The halacha had
been established: One was obligated to make their bed.


Later that day, someone came to the Rosh Yeshiva and asked, "I
don't have time to make my bed before I go to davening. By the time
I get back my mother is gone for the day so she doesn't think I
make my bed, and isn't pleased. What should I do?" After hearing
the answer that was given, the halacha was suitably amended to say
that the bed should be made as soon as one gets up. "One is
m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, as soon as he gets up."

The next day, he was approached by a bochur that wanted to know,
"When you said 'as soon as he gets up', do you mean immediately -
right when one steps out of the bed - or is one allowed some time
first?

So they added to the text: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the
morning, soon after he gets up."


"How long soon after?" he was immediately asked. "How much time
exactly?"

10-15 minutes?, he replied, figuring that's a reasonable amount of
time. And so it was added: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the
morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up." The bochurim
found this to be a satisfactory resolution, but unsurprisingly, it
resulted in some bochurim insisting that it should be made by 10
minutes, and others saying it was fine to wait even 15 minutes.
After some time, they settled on an unofficial resolution by
considering 10 minutes to be the first zman, and 15 minutes the
second zman.

Things went along smoothly until one day a bochur came over and
explained to him a problem he had run into. "My roommate doesn't
like the way I make my bed! He claims it's not really made!" "What
do you mean?", asked the Rosh Yeshiva. "Well, he claims that for a
bed to be considered 'made' the pillow needs to be on top and the
sides need to be even or tucked in, and I just lay out the cover on
top, covering everything, however it comes out. What should I do?"
The Rosh Yeshiva mulled this over for a while, and replied:
You're allowed to make it however your family does it. What's
acceptable to your mother (or father) is acceptable here. Hakol
k'minhago. An addition was added to the halacha: "One is m'chuyav
to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he
gets up. The manner of making the bed should be done
according to one's established minhag."

(Later that week when the bochurim went home for the weekend, many
parents were somewhat confused when they were asked by their sons,
"What is the minhag of our family of how to make our beds?", but
they figured it was all part of the tremendous spiritual growth
they could see in their young bnei torah.)

One morning a few weeks later, as shacharis was beginning, the Rosh
Yeshiva was notified about an argument that had broken out between
2 bochurim.

Approaching their room, he heard loud shouting through the closed
door. As he entered, he found one of the bochurim vehemently
yelling at the other.

Seeing him come in, the young man turned to him and exclaimed
loudly, "Rebbe! I'm so glad you're here! I tried to get him to make
his bed but he wouldn't listen! He just ignored me, and now it's 5
minutes after the zman, and look - his bed is still not made!"


Before the Rosh Yeshiva had a chance to respond, the other bochur
quickly spoke up in his defense, "That's not true. I only got out
of bed 2 minutes ago! I still have 8 minutes until the zman!"

"Yes, he only got out of bed 2 minutes ago. But he woke up 20
minutes ago! That means he should have made his bed 10 minutes ago!"

It was clear that there needed to be some clarification: When the
psak was issued that a bed must be made 10-15 minutes after getting
up, did 'after getting up' mean after waking up ('m'sha'as
kumuso') or did it mean after getting out of bed ('m'sha'as
yitziaso')? At this point a small crowd had gathered around the
room and a vociferous discussion had broken out.

Everyone started buzzing, talking, sharing their thoughts of why it
meant this interpretation and not the other one. Realizing what was
happening, the Rosh Yeshiva put an abrupt stop to it all by loudly
demanding that everyone should immediately go to davening and they
would deal with it later on.

By lunchtime that day the Rosh Yeshiva had still not addressed the
burning issue and a fierce debate had already broken out in the
halls of the yeshiva. Even the rabbeim had gotten involved. Some
felt that the halacha had to mean from when a person got out of
bed, because as they explained, "if it meant 'from when he woke up'
then the first thing he would have to do upon awaking would be to
look at his clock and remember the time. But this can't be, because
we all know that the first thing a person must do when he wakes up
is say
'modeh ani'. Therefore it must mean 'from when he gets out of
bed'." In spite of this convincing logic others still held it was
better to be machmir and go by from when a person wakes up and not
to wait until he gets out of bed. They pointed out that all that
was needed to avoid the above-mentioned conflict was to first say
modeh ani and then subtract 15 seconds from whenever he first looks
at the clock. "But not all clocks have second hands on them,"
countered the first opinion, "and besides, it is too easy to forget
the exact time including the seconds." The machmirim had a ready
response: "Firstly, someone who cares about the halacha properly
can make sure to have a clock with seconds on it, and secondly, he
should also have a paper and pen next to his clock so he can mark down
the proper time, in order to avoid the chance of forgetting it."

Seeing that positions had already been staked out in this dispute,
the Rosh Yeshiva decided not to voice his own opinion and instead
told everyone to go by whatever their rebbe held.

Unfortunately, this had the effect of causing a lot of machlokes in
the school as some people didn't agree with their rabbeim, and
resented being forced out of their beds sooner than they preferred.
The problems were soon settled when a young illuy came up with an
ingenious solution. He pointed out that even though someone had
woken up, if they had in mind that they were sleeping it was like
they actually were, since 'machshava k'ma'ase'.

Although his reasoning was roundly rejected by many others, it
satisfied those lazier bochurim and they let the matter slide. No
one was much surprised at their reaction, as these sorts of
students had already demonstrated their laxity of the halacha when
it was realized that they were deliberately getting dressed while
still sitting
in their bed, in order to give themselves more time until the zman
of 'when you get up' would commence (according to the shita of
m'sha'as yitziaso).

For a brief while the yeshiva had some complaints from bochurim who
wanted to switch rooms because their roommates were not keeping
what they felt was the right zman for making their beds. Already
very disturbed by the problems that the previous issue had
caused and not wanting to cause any more machlokes in the yeshiva,
the Rosh Yeshiva wisely dealt with the problem by declaring that if
anyone was concerned about another not making the zman, they were
allowed to make the other persons bed for them, as long as the
first one had da'as that the other would be yotzei for himself. He
also said that the person making the bed
didn't have to specific da'as because obviously if he was making it
he had da'as to do such a thing. Despite that, it wasn't uncommon
to hear people loudly declaring, "Have in mind to be yotzei so-and-
so when making his bed!"

Some months after the initial psak was issued, an enterprising
bochur started selling a unique clock that had a special alarm. The
alarm would wake you up, and when you pushed the right button it
would turn off and ring 9 minutes later to remind you that you had 1
minute left to make your bed.

He actually also made a second one that gave you 14 minutes instead
of 9, but no one bought it since they felt it was better not to be
meikel.

Another issue that the yeshiva had to resolve was that according to
the opinions that one must make their beds from when they first
woke up, what was to be done if someone fell asleep again shortly
after waking up? After much learned discussion it was decided that
falling back asleep wasn't a problem, and the zman only started
after the real, final waking up. This was derived from the
situation of if one woke up in the middle of the night: Was he then
obligated to make his bed shortly after? For a brief time, some
people in the yeshiva began to follow this custom. But when the
Rosh Yeshiva ruled that it wasn't necessary, they understood from
that that the zman only began after the last, real waking up.


These events all occurred many, many years ago, and boruch hashem
nowadays it isn't as heated an issue as it once was. Everyone
understands and accepts the principles of eilu v'eilu divrei Elokim
chaim, minhag avoseinu b'yadeinu, ba'al nefesh yachmir, and shomer
p'saim hashem. Each person has a tradition or chumra
that he's entitled to follow. In addition, there have been many
wonderful books written on this subject, most recently Artscroll's
splendid translation of Hilchos Ish U'Mitoso, which sheds much
light on this subject for the average layman (also available in a
laminated, newly type-set, pocket edition that one can keep by
their bed!). However, legend has it that if you go to this yeshiva
and poke in on some of the rooms, you'll still occasionally find a
bochur here and there that tries to be extra zahir in this inyan
and - even
on a cold winter night - will sleep on top of his carefully made
blanket so that he never will - chas v'chalila! - find his bed
unmade past the proper zman!

"Ratzah hakadosh baruch hu l'zakos es yisroel,
l'fichach hirba lahem torah u'mitzvos!"

"To receive a laminated, large print edition of the
special tefila to say before making your bed, please
send a fax to 1800-BE-ZAHIR with your proper mailing
address and we will be glad to send you one free of
charge. "

This publication is in memory of Masha Mushka bas
Pesha Pushka o"h."

Please do not read this publication in untzniyusdik
places, before you daven, during chazaras hashatz, in
the middle of leining, during shiur or seder, while
operating heavy machinery, on the Internet, in the
mikva, or while under the influence of da'as torah.

" This publication is not intended to be used as a
guide to practical halacha. All halachic questions
should be directed to your local ultra-orthodox
halachic authority. "

wow,
there is no way i can read that whole post from gibbor without having a massive ADD attack

gibbor120 wrote on 12 Jul 2011 20:16:


Thanks Gibbor 120.  I have to say you got to admire someone whose first post on the forum is in the joke section, and it's probably the longest joke too.  Welcome aboard.  I'm not sure what your issue is, and even if you have one, but rest assured you've come to the right place.