Excellent!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the Doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and He was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.He said, ""Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  How can I possibly repay you?""

My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ""Save the Whales"" hat, and a ""To Hell with Bush"" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.  As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the  injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. ""I give you my blessing for your brave actions!"" he told them. ""I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.""

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, ""Who was that guy?""  ""It was the Pope,"" another replied. ""He's in direct contact with heaven and
has access to all wisdom.

""Well,"" the logger said, ""He may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?""

Even better. Can you take a break, I gotta get ready for Shabbos!

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new
Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs
him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ""What kind of
car ya got there, sonny?""

The doctor replies, ""A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!""
""That's a lot of money,"" says the old man. ""Why does it cost so much?""

""Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!"" states the doctor
proudly.

The Moped driver asks, ""Mind if I take a look inside?""

""No problem,"" replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ""That's a pretty nice car,
all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!""

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what It
could be and suddenly.................


WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! ""What on earth could be going
faster than my Ferrari?"" the doctor asks himself. He floors the
accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could
pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old
man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he
sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and
there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is
still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, ""Oh My Gosh!
Is there anything I can do for you?""

The old man whispers, ""Unhook my suspenders from your side view
mirror"".

UAJ, those were great! thanks

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an
eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with
the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

""Can you read this?"" the optician asked.
""Read it?"" the Polish guy replied, ""I know the guy.""

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

""Careful,"" he said, ""CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget
to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!""

The wife stared at him. ""What in the world is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?""

The husband calmly replied, ""I just wanted to show
you what it feels like when I'm driving.""

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stops at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood....big, stately residences, but no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, ""I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."" ""I'm very sorry, officer,"" replies the American, ""but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom.""

""Ah, yes,"" said the Bobbie, ""just follow me."" He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. ""In there,"" points the Bobbie. ""Whiz away, anywhere you want."" The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, ""That was really decent of you. Is that what you call ""British hospitality?""

""No"" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, ""that is what we call the French Embassy.

Six retired Floridians are playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz,
who just lost $500 on a single hand, suddenly turns white, clutches his chest --
and drops dead right on the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued to play while
standing up. Finklestein eventually looks around and asks, ""So, who's gonna tell
his wife?""

They draw cards, and Goldberg draws the high card.

They caution Goldberg to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.

""Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name, leave it to me.""

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife
answers and asks him what he wants. In a low voice, Goldberg says, ""Your husband
just lost $500 and now he's afraid to come home.""

The wife shouts, ""Tell him to drop dead!""

Goldberg says, ""I'll go tell him.""

This is geshmaker than the helicopter one. Is there something wrong with us?

Ah, second day of Yom Tov in Chutz Leoretz! It's like a long motzei shabbos. Time to trash this thread with some serious divrei Torah and my struggles.


Why do we fry cheese blintzes and bake cheese burekas on Shevuos?
Because when the yidden got the Torah, they realized all their vessels and ovens were treif so they couldn't fry cheese blintzes or bake cheese burekas.

Blind Beggar wrote on 09 Jun 2011 06:26:

btw, was that the "serious divrei torah" or the "struggle" part?

Blind Beggar wrote on 09 Jun 2011 06:26:
I was told it had something to do with not having any plugs for their microwave ovens....that led to a lot of complaining right there, you know.

Just to get back on topic:

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards

Under same management for over 5771 years.


Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.


What part of ""Thou shalt not"" don't you understand?


Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom
should be absent at every meeting.


_________

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury
duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.


Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami
on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.


It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. ""Would you like
dinner?"" the flight attendant asked Moshe.
""What are my choices?,"" Moshe asked.
""Yes, or no,"" she replied.


An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to
the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, ""Mr.
Gevarter, are you comfortable?""

Gevarter replies, ""I make a nice living ...""


A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet
of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:
""shmuck."" At the next Friday night service the Rabbi announced, ""I have
known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their
names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his
name ... and forgot to write a letter.


Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being
seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow
""Oy."" The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow
""Oy."" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, ""Girls, I
thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children.""


And one final favourite:

A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks,
""Is anything all right?""