new book on how to understand women

Wait - there's a book out?!!

Not yet...

That's just the pre-publication collection of excerpts from the forthcoming book!

Where's the book on how to understand me?


Oops! Being serious on the joke page again.

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5,000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming language JAVA PLUS to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I don’t know this language, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try."
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy, I never managed anyvun but myself, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who don’t have degrees in People Management to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay, I left school at 15 so I never vent to university, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.
Bill Gates finally asks all the remaining candidates who don’t speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay Zmir, I don’t speak Serbo-Croat, but vat the hell! Haff I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room and finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language." Calmly, Maurice Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him, "Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot."
The other candidate answers, "Shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza."

A mourner’s lament
As Leah is visiting her late father’s grave in Bushey Cemetery, she passes close by a woman who is sobbing and wailing at another grave. Leah can easily hear that the woman is saying, "Oh why, oh why did you die? Why did you have to die?" This question is repeated many times.
After paying her respects to her father, Leah is leaving the cemetery when she again passes the sobbing woman. She is still wailing, "Why, oh why did you have to die?"
Leah feels pity for this woman and walks over to try to comfort her. "Pardon me, I hope you don’t mind me coming over, but I heard your cries of pain and anguish. I assume the deceased was a relative of yours?"
"No she’s not," says the other woman, "in fact I never met her before."
"Then why are you so sad?" asks Leah. "Who was she? Who is buried at this grave?"
"My husband’s first wife," replies the woman.

Please try to concentrate
Issy is in his lounge reading the Jewish Chronicle when his wife Hetty returns home. She goes straight into the lounge and says to him, "Issy?"
As usual there is no reply from Issy, or any other form of recognition that his wife has returned.
"Issy, are you listening to me?" she asks loudly.
Issy mumbles something incoherent and continues to read the JC.
"Issy, put the paper down for once and listen to me," she says. "I have to tell you something."
Issy lowers the JC a few inches, but still does not look directly at Hetty.
"Issy," she says, "I went to see doctor Levy this afternoon."
"So how is he?" asks Issy.

Math Evolution

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.  The
counter girl took my $2.  I was digging for my change when I pulled 8
cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding
the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I
sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two
quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain
the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80.  Did he make a profit?


Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment:  Underline
the number 20.


Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish
and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question:  How did the birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

Translation:  A rancher sells a truckload of wood for $100.  The cost of the produccion was $80.  How many tortillas can be bought? 

    If you can start the day without caffeine,
    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

    If you can understand when your loved  ones are too busy to give you any time,
    If you can take criticism and  blame without resentment,

    If you can conquer tension  without medical help,
    If you can relax without alcohol, 

    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,   


...Then  You Are  Probably



































The  Family Dog!     






And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.

This was in today's email. It probably belongs in Break Free, but it made me laugh.


Here is one Eitza that has worked for me (In addition to K-9
  on my computer without knowing the password). I made a Neder that I would not touch any computer besides my own. Meaning, even if I want to check my e-mail- or a web sight quickly- I will not touch anyone else's computer. Even if this means great inconvenience or lugging around my own laptop everywhere. I found that having all computer's assur no matter what, this psychologically closes the opportunity, as opposed to being plagued by huge Nisyonos every time I chanced upon a computer that didn't have a filter on it (starting by checking something up and then going from there...). Even at a library - I would ask the librarian to look the book up - (by acting as if I'm computer illiterate).

The addiction is so insidious though. One time, my Yetzer Hara managed to get around this by convincing me that the Neder only covered touching the computer - wherein I found myself fingering at keyboard/mouse through a towel!!! For the Short term - I changed the wording of the Neder to even looking at the screen of another computer!!

Can you believe this guy touching the computer through a towel! ;D If I write anything else, it won't belong on this thread.

i'm feeling like i need some intravenous doses of this thread right now

hand me that saringe

oooh, im feelin it, now just a little more of that magic....

tzaddik90/Special Weapons And Tactics wrote on 26 May 2011 15:06:

you wanted a syringe or a sarong?

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was
failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it
was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.  As a last resort he went to a
priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, ""Here's what I want you to do:
Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.
Take the beach chair and the bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach
chair, and put the Bible in your lap.  Open the Bible; the wind will rifle
the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look
down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that
will tell you what to do.""

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife
and children with him.  The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his
wife in a mink coat, the children shining.  The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his
pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious.  ""You did as I suggested?"" he asked.

""Absolutely,"" replied the businessman.

""You went to the beach?""

""Absolutely.""

""You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?""

""Absolutely.""

""You let the pages rifle until they stopped?""

""Absolutely.""

""And what were the first words you saw?""




""CHAPTER 11""