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The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :)

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Getting out of Isolation and connecting with others is an important part of recovery. This board is for non-addiction related threads, where members exchange jokes, have fun - and drink Lechayim Together!

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TOPIC: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 340677 Views

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 16 Feb 2018 09:40 #327039

ieeyc
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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!” Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.” After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”
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How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
There is white out on the screen.
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The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”
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A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, “Aw, look at the dead birdie.”
The blonde looks up and says, “Where?”
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A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, “Can’t you see I’m winning?”
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Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
She can’t find the eleven.
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Boss hangs a poster in Office
“I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET”
He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk.
“your wife called, she wants her poster back home.”
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One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?”
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי

to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring
. humility ,i humbly thank you

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 16 Feb 2018 10:43 #327040

ieeyc
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Posts: 572
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
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Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"

Man: "In the United States."

Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"

Man: "My entire body."

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My wife is a bit weird. She always starts her talking with “Yossel, are you listening to me?”

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“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel immediately!”

“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”
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What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

Warning: Spoiler!

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An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”

“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

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An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway."

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
==============================================
An employee complains to his boss, “Sorry boss, but the salary doesn’t even remotely match the effort I put into my work.”

Boss nods, “I know, but we can’t let you starve to death.”

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8 p.m. I get an SMS from my chavrusa : Me or the superbowl?!

11 p.m. I SMS my chavrusa: You of course.
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Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

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I used to think that the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.

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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
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At a job interview:

“Mrs Levy, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”

“Honesty.”

“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”

“And I don’t care about your stupid opinion!”
============================================
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
============================================
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

=============================================

לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי

to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring
. humility ,i humbly thank you

Last Edit: 16 Feb 2018 10:45 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 19 Feb 2018 04:01 #327134

ieeyc OFFLINE Banned Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle! Posts: 572 Karma: -9	At work they accused me of eavesdropping,I wish they would’ve just said it in my face. ================================================================== the bank sent me a letter saying this is my final notice,isn’t it great that they’re not going to bother me anymore ==================================================================
	*לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח* *נכון חדש בקרבי* to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring . humility ,i humbly thank you Last Edit: 26 Feb 2018 00:42 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 22 Feb 2018 21:03 #327314

gibbor120 OFFLINE Platinum Boarder NEVER EVER GIVE UP! Posts: 5251 Karma: 166	Some good stuff
	My Home \| My Links \| Dov Quotes \| Dr. Sorotzkin \| Handbook \| Additional Tools \| AA Audio \| Shalom Bayis \| Skep's Tips

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 27 Feb 2018 13:31 #327573

ieeyc OFFLINE Banned Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle! Posts: 572 Karma: -9	Phew ,that was a hard test ,especially question number 5.”what’s a past tense for think?” So I thought and thought and wrote “thinked”
	*לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח* *נכון חדש בקרבי* to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring . humility ,i humbly thank you

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 06:37 #327646

ieeyc OFFLINE Banned Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle! Posts: 572 Karma: -9	What's orange and sounds like a parrot? Warning: Spoiler! A carrot
	*לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח* *נכון חדש בקרבי* to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring . humility ,i humbly thank you

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 06:41 #327647

ieeyc
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Wife says to her foolish husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."Husband returns with 12 loaves"
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I've been told I'm condescending.(that means I talk down to people)
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2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".
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What do you call bears with no ears?

Warning: Spoiler!

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לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי

to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring
. humility ,i humbly thank you

Last Edit: 02 Mar 2018 06:52 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 06:55 #327648

ieeyc OFFLINE Banned Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle! Posts: 572 Karma: -9	Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!” Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”
	*לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח* *נכון חדש בקרבי* to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring . humility ,i humbly thank you Last Edit: 02 Mar 2018 06:55 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 07:17 #327649

ieeyc
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teacher:if i give you 2 cats and 2 cats and 2 cats , how many cats would you have?
student:7
teacher:no, listen carefully again,if i give you 2 cats and 2 cats and 2 cats , how many cats would you have?
student:7
teacher:lets try this differently, if i give you 2 apples and 2 apples and 2 apples , how many apples would you have?
student:6
teacher:good ,now if i give you 2 cats and 2 cats and 2 cats , how many cats would you have?
student:7
teacher:where in the world did you get 7 from?!
student:because i already own a cat !

לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי

to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring
. humility ,i humbly thank you

Last Edit: 02 Mar 2018 07:18 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 07:25 #327651

ieeyc
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Posts: 572
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George was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי

to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring
. humility ,i humbly thank you

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 08:35 #327652

ieeyc
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Posts: 572
Karma: -9

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
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Two burglars were robbing a Beverly Hills mansion when they heard the police car sirens. “Quick! Jump out of the window!” said the first burglar. “But we’re on the 13th floor!” protested the second burglar. The first burglar replied: “This is no time to be superstitious!”
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After the car accident, a large crowd gathered around. An enterprising young lawyer immediately saw a way to get rich, but could not force his way through the crowd. So seeing that he could lose a lot of money not getting a new client, he resorted to desperate measures and yelled: “Let me through! I am the son of the victim!” The crowd parted. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
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A local charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um, no.” The lawyer interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken worker began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated worker , completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea.” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
----------------------------------------

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

“In English," he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right."

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Why did the fool get fired from the M&M factory? Because he threw away all the ‘W’s!

לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי

to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring
. humility ,i humbly thank you

Last Edit: 02 Mar 2018 13:22 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 08:45 #327653

ieeyc OFFLINE Banned Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle! Posts: 572 Karma: -9	A fool notices that his coworker has a thermos, so he asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The fool immediately buys one for himself. The next day, he goes to work and proudly displays it. His coworker asks, "What do you have in it?" he replies, "Soup and ice cream."
	*לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח* *נכון חדש בקרבי* to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring . humility ,i humbly thank you

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 08:56 #327654

ieeyc
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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי

to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring
. humility ,i humbly thank you

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 02 Mar 2018 12:54 #327657

ieeyc
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Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle!
Posts: 572
Karma: -9

yankel sits by his desk at lunchtime ,opens his lunch bag a gives a" uch! peanut butter!" the next day lunchtime arrives and he looks in his bag and says "again peanut butter!" the third day he looks in his bag and ,you guessed it ,gives a kvetch ,"peanut butter again!" his co-worker seeing this happen 3 days in a row said to him, " yankel ,why cant you just ask your wife nicely if she doesnt mind making something else besides peanut butter?" answers yankel with a questioning look on his face,"what do you mean, i prepare my own lunches!"-yankels name in this story has been changed due to anonymity but ill tell you his real name ...

Warning: Spoiler!

לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי

to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generous and give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring
. humility ,i humbly thank you

Last Edit: 02 Mar 2018 12:57 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 06 Mar 2018 02:00 #327772

bb0212
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ieeyc wrote on 02 Mar 2018 06:41:

Wife says to her foolish husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."Husband returns with 12 loaves"
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This is really a blond joke, but that's not advisable here, it's GYE!