we've been married for ~7 years. if you'd see me i look like a regular yeshiva guy. about 3 years ago i started struggling with internet pornography. i felt terrible. one day my wife and i were meeting with a marriage counselor over a shalom bayis issue related to extended family when i broke the news to my wife and counselor that i was looking at this garbage in front of them. there was silence. we discussed it and i installed a filter and have been free for three years!

however, my yetzer hara is smarter than an internet filter. over past year i have been starting to have strong inappropriate feelings towards my wife's married friends. there came a point when the only thing stopping me from making a move was the fear of getting caught. One day i told my wife that i wanted to come clean with her regarding my feelings. she demanded i tell her the names of the women. i hesitated but ultimately told her. she now feels like i'm a tayva fanatic who is abnormal. she also feels that i may be acting abusive by dangling threats in front of her.

i agreed to go for more marriage counseling but dont exactly see what the point is.
we dont have any major disagreements and i have a hard time believing that the source of my tayvas will be destroyed by an individual who will talk to us.

my strategy to deal with the problem is similar to what i did for the internet issue. i am avoiding my wife's friends as much as possible (i.e. filter), and keeping busy with more productive pursuits (i.e. learning and work). However avoiding people is much harder then installing an internet filter so I'm still struggling how to deal with this.

any advice on any aspect of this story will be greatly appreciated... thanks!

kyly212,

Yasher Koach for doing what you can to get help. 

Do you at some level have any reason to want to sabotage your relationship with your wife?  I guess I'm asking this not so much from a recovery perspective as much as from a psychological perspective.  If I had issues with my wife's friends I think my wife would be the last one I would tell.

Just based on your story you don't seem to have the classic addiction template.  Have you had any major lust issues prior to 3 years ago?  Obsession with lust, compulsive masturbation or that sort of thing?

The one piece of advice I would give is to stop telling these things to your wife.  It is pretty  reasonable that your wife would be totally freaked out at these things.  It might help you to feel better to get these things off your chest but it seems like it is scaring the hell out of her!

You will certainly be welcome here, you can share your problems openly and I'm sure you will find those that you will identify with.

Hatzlacha

thanks, i have no interest in sabotaging our relationship. i love her. her friends are not as attractive as she is! but as the gemoro is sanhedrin says "the pleasure of illicit relations is greater than legitimate ones"

I didn't assume that you interest in them was about sabotage, I know quite well that lust is not so discriminatory in its particular tastes, usually as long as it is different and something new it will do just fine.  I was just trying to understand why you would tell her about it.  My first instinct would be to speak to anyone I needed to about it except her.

i told her b/c it was the main thing which stopped by internet porn addiciton. once i felt that we were open and on the same page that gave me the strength to help myself. 

I completely understand that. I told a close friend of mine because I felt that if there was going to be anyone that I could lean on to help get me through it, it would be him. I would assume much more so with your wife. It takes a lot of courage to do it, but I completely understand that if you're only goal is to get it under control that you will go through the embarrassment if it meant finding a way out. You're a very courageous person kayly.

Marraige counseling sounds reasonable to me. Primarily because it will allow neutral third party to tell your wife that you are not a crazy pervert...

You are correct in putting fences to separate you from the tayva and these are certainly the first and primary routes to take in this case. Based on what you are describing, there probably are attitudes and techniques that you should work on to prevent yourself from any problems should the fences you are setting break down at any time in the future.

Hatzlacha,

kayly212,

Welcome to the chevra. Whether telling your wife or not about these issues, there is no way to know. Everyone woman reacts differently and every man will say it in a different way. 

However now that you are here- you should see that there is an underlying issue that is pulling you to these things. Iv'e joined the 12 step phone conference that started this week and it's been a great eye opener for me. I think you should do the same and it can help you greatly. If you want more info about it feel free to pm me.

Here is the link for the phone conference www.guardyoureyes.org/?page_id=678 

You are NOT alone!

Good Shabbos,

David

Hi, I'm the admin of the forum. Welcome!

I second David's advice, that you join the phone conference.

Even better would be live SA groups (www.sa.org), where you could share your fantasies and fears with others who understand you, and work the 12-Steps with a group and a sponsor.

Kol Hakavod on reaching out for help and doing what you can BEFORE THIS SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL. So many people today don't take the steps they need to, and fall into a terrible abyss of sin, pain and destruction.

Other advice: Sign up to the daily chizuk e-mails and read our handbook:
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/TU/Guard%20Your%20Eyes%20Handbook.pdf

May Hashem be with you.

Hi Kayly
Welcome and Yasher Koach for opening up to us.

I can relate to your story and while no two stories are exactly the same and we are all different people, I see an underlying similarity.
Here is my story and no, you are not alone:

A couple of years ago, I found myself starting to act out in strange ways.
I found myself pushing the boundaries, doing inappropriate things, as long as I wasn’t actually crossing the line.
There was someone that I physically desired, but I would never actually go all the way, although I fantasised about it.
I started saying things that were hurtful to my wife (and other women in general).
I found I was getting short tempered, angry and disrespectful towards women.
I had no peace of mind. I was seeking attention, but in quite a destructive way.
There was a part of me that seemed out of control, doing things that I would not normally do if I had actually sat down and thought about it first.

It took me 2 years to see why:
I had a problem inside me that needed to be solved. I was not aware of the exact problem, so subconsciously I was pushing those around me into helping me find the problem. The less they seemed willing to help, the more I pushed.
I had no peace of mind because I was constantly fighting with myself and this battle was spilling over into my relationships.
After finding this site, it struck me: I’m addicted to lust.
I’m not really interested in that person I fantasise about, I’m addicted to the feeling of lust she provokes in me.
Lust cannot be satisfied. Every time I looked at porn (or whatever I needed), it added a little bit of frustration that would build up but then would ultimately be released in the form of anger at someone.

When the lust settles, it will be easier to see what is going on in and around you.

I personally found it really helps talking to someone on the outside.
I have not told my wife all the details of my addiction and would not recommend it as you have indicated there is already a shalom bais issue.

If you’re not comfortable joining a SA group then post on the forums or send “personal messages” to people here.

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