I'm not so sure how I would feel or what I would do. My guess is that it would feel good to know that you have friends (real friends who you actually know in real life) that are sharing this struggle with you and that it would make it a much easier struggle to have a real person in your life to help you through it. That is just me who doesn't really have anyone helping me through it right now.

Briut - I'd also really like to know what kind of information seems to give us away? How you come to know that you know this person for real? It seems like you've had a few close calls like this.

Someone here has sent me a PM that he knows who I am, but he wants to keep his identity from me.

I think I figured out who he is too.

Should I just keep silent, acting as if I don't know that it is he?

I think you should keep silent. Let him control his anonymity. Perhaps you can tell him that it's ultimately a good thing for the 2 of you to connect since you know eachother and share similar struggles. I've recognized people on here but I haven't introduced myself to them. If they recognize me and we do connect in real life I'm confident it will be a positive experience (as much as I fear such a thing).

By the way, I don't like the choices on this poll. If there was a choice I would choose "pained, but ultimately grateful". I recall a highschool boy who was caught by his dorm counselor engaging in inappropriate lustful behavior. The boy was obviously shaken by being caught but he cried to his dorm counselor about how grateful he was that he was caught and was now able to get some help. This is an experience that many can testify to, whether they were caught by a friend, their wives, etc. It's painful alright, but it's often a turning point in recovery.

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 23 Jan 2011 20:38:


Wait one second! If you know who he is and he knows who you are, I figured it out I must know who both of you are!

Me3 wrote on 25 Jan 2011 21:43:


Sounds like a group hug is in order

Reb Yashuv-VYashuv,
Want to join in with us?

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 25 Jan 2011 21:56:


Sure thing. 1 - 2 - 3...

HUG

I've only been on this site for less than a week and I was almost sure that I read an identifying comment the other day.  The thing you have to realize is this: In most instances the so-called "identifying comment" is by nature exclusive to those few that can relate to it.  For example:  If you come from a shul whose Rav always uses a specific saying (whatchamacallit?) and when giving a nimshal always uses the same nimshal; if one were to use both the nimshal and the saying on this site, he would be setting himself up for a partial ID.  However, this can only be possible if there is another person from that SAME shul that is an active user of this forum.  Therefore, if one were to see something that he feels is an identifying feature, no matter what it may be, he has to realize that it is only relevant to himself.  One has to realize that each comment he makes will not reveal himself to the general public (unless he comments gregariously), rather it may open himself up to a few certain people that he is already close with.  This being said I do feel that if someone were to ID me, I would be terrified, since as  I am single and like many have stated about future son-in-laws, the ramifications are too enormous (I guess the list of girls for me would be narrowed down to all of your daughters ).

On the other hand, if someone that was really close to me would ID me, I would be apprehensive at first, than afterwords I would probably go out with him to celebrate our struggles and attempts at stopping our old ways.

Just popping on this cute little thread again after a long hiatus from it...

1) Are we all looking in the mirror to see ourselves as we truly are? How can we possibly do that on our own? "Oh chavrusa oh misusa."

2) are we so terrified of ID-ing info that we choose to insulate ourselves from any of the help that we really need?

3) Are we basically persisting with the same exact behaviors and 'stopping methods' - only straying a tiny step or two past the fringes of our 'comfort zones' to try new behaviors for recovery's sake....and yet expecting shockingly different results? Doing that is just plain silly...and I did it for >10 years before getting into recovery (and still do it today in some ways).

3) my real name is Dov, I do not use a fake name here, and I am an addict who is unable to stop using fantasy, porn, masturbation, phone sex and voyeurism but have nevertheless been sober with Hashem's sweet help for thirteen years and eleven months, even though I clearly do not deserve it. I have been coming to face to face SA meetings and give my phone # to many people with my hometown and meet them for breakfast and they learn who I am.

I believe that if I would have avoided taking the necessary steps to stay sober years ago, I'd have been in the newspaper long ago, or at least well-known as a mess and a waste of human flesh in my Jewish community years ago....and lost my family, probably my life, by now. So, why be so chicken?

Nu. Maybe some people feel their case is 'so mild'. What's the big deal?

OK. I have met folks who looked at porn at work and lost their jobs. Folks who have gotten tangled with a female at work - to their utter amazement - and lost their marriages. Lost their childrens' respect because they were caught 'servicing themselves' to porn on a computer at home by their kids...nu. So far from reality for most of us?

Bock-bock!

I would say that it would depend on the reaction of the other guy. If I know that he found me out, that means that I also found him out. If he is mortified and embarrassed himself, it would definitely make it easier for me to handle. I may even feel like #2 and want to encourage him. If he is embarrassed and just wants to forget about it, I would probably react like #3 and let it be. I don't think I would be mortified or humiliated if I knew that he had the same type of problem. But hey, that's just me!!

Personally, I find this very disturbing.  If someone PM's me that they know my identity it is a lack of decency for them to not identify themselves.  I understand their hesitation but if they don't want to identify themselves then they should just keep quiet.  I have identified more than one person here and either told them or just shut up about it.  To tell a person "I know who you are but you don't know me" is in my book just plain wrong.

I'll be quiet know since many here know who I am.  :o

Advice needed!


Someone close to me who knows about my GYE affiliation & says that he also suffers from this problem is thinking about joining us here in the GYE Community. He is apprehensive, though, to post personal details on this site because he doesn't want me to know them all. (I am OK with him reading my posts. He knows my Username & can read them all as a guest anyhow.)

He asked me to post a request for the chevra to please give ideas about how to proceed.

how about just posting very generic terms about what he struggles with?

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 10 Feb 2011 19:24:

  Dear YH's guest,
                      I think that you should create a user name first, so that we could discuss all the different ways you could join us without anyone that know you personally finding details out.  That way we will have your input into making a better decision for you. 
              RisingUp