Hi everyone
It’s been a while since I posted on here. I’ve only ever created one thread before which I kind of forgot about - guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/422778-The-Start-of-My-Freedom
I’m writing again to give an update (not that anyone was particularly following my story haha) and also explain a strategy that has worked for me in my battle with the Yetzer Hara.
Overall I would say that my life is going well. This doesn’t have to do with anything changing in my life, but rather a change in my own perspective. I’ve had a big shift in how I perceive the world and the good that can be found in it. Specifically, I’ve worked hard to become very appreciate of the smallest things - waking up, breathing, having legs to walk and climb stairs… all such wonderful things that give me Simcha. This is largely due to my Chavruta with my personal Rav on Chovot HaLevavot. In Sha'ar HaBechina, R' Bechaya discusses the miracle of creation and everyday things we take for granted. It really changed my perspective on life.
My Rav doesn’t know of my hidden problem with the internet, but the topics we learnt has helped me overall stay happy when I would otherwise be upset due to my spiritual shortcomings.
But let me talk about the strategy that I used to completely change the battle field with the Yetzer Hara:
Remove the pit falls.
That’s it. It was simple as that for me. I know you all have heard it a billion times. I had heard tons of times too.
But for SOME ODD reason, I never worked out a plan to actually remove the devices that I kept stumbling with. My personal phone is filtered, but there were several family devices at home that were a huge issue for me. I don't have any temptations to take anyone else's personal device, as I fear getting caught. But the general family devices get me all the time.
I made dumb excuses for myself, like
“Nah that’s a family device, I can’t get a filter on it”
“I have to develop self control, I can’t just block off the challenge completely”
“I don’t want the family thinking I have a problem, so I can’t ask them to restrict the devices from me”
Etc etc etc
However, with enough thinking and contemplation (and help from Eerie!) I finally convinced myself to get my act together.
Let me set it straight - there is absolutely nothing in the world that is worth stumbling over and over for. I realized that my dignity is not worth it. I don’t care what my family thinks, I NEED to be clean. I can’t possibly develop self control if I’m stuck in the mud.
So let me tell you what I did.
A couple weeks ago, I went to my older sister and said “hey, you know the family iPad we have? My Rav told me that it’s Assur for a Yid to have access to an unfiltered device. Can you change the passcode for me? I know it’s extreme but that’s what my Rav told me!”
It's true - My Rav did Psak that it's technically an Issur Yichud to have isolated access to an unfiltered device. So I played off that to get my sister to change the passcode.
Was it a little strange of me to ask her this? Yes. Did it raise some eyebrows? You bet.
BUT WHO'S THE WINNER HERE? Me. I won. A devastating blow to the Yetzer Hara.
But, as always, the Yezter Hara had a whole other scheme up his sleeves. That pesky beast literally made the most elaborate plan of all time, you wouldn't believe.
THE VERY NEXT DAY, my mother mentioned to me that she's looking to buy a new laptop, as her current one was getting slow. So I helped her research a good laptop. Two days later, the laptop was at our doorstep. By that night, my mother's old laptop was put away in a storage closet, to never be touched again... until I decided to touch it.
My mother would not be caring for that laptop anymore, so it was free to use. Boom, another unfiltered device at my fingertips. And I fell.
So I came up with another plan. I casually mentioned to my mother that it's a waste to keep the old laptop lying around. I asked her if I can sell it to get some cash. She was more than happy to let me sell it!
But here's the issue - if anyone here as ever tried selling a used item, you'll know how difficult it can be to find a buyer. It can take weeks, sending out ads, negotiating, etc. And this laptop was particularly old, so it would be even harder to find a buyer.
So, I literally took the laptop, drove to some public trash can on the sidewalk, and threw it out. A perfectly functioning laptop - I just threw it out. For all my mom thinks, I sold it lol.
It was pretty much my only option. I didn't want to pay for a filter on a laptop that would just sit there and not be used at all. I could have given it to someone for free but that might have taken some time to set up. I just trashed it.
WHO'S THE WINNER HERE? Me.
I don't care what suspicions anyone has of me. I'm cleaner than I was before. I'm not perfect yet but the fight became much much much easier.
Guys, I urge you. Find a way to get that device out of access. You can do it. There's gotta be a way. Pull the trigger. GET IT DONE. Nothing is worth your purity!!! Nothing!! Not dignity, not money, not anything!! Be clean, be happy!!!!
