i would like to start listing 10 gratitudes and 5 things good about myself each day. when i have done this in the past it has halped me feel better and less critical of myself. please post your own as it gives me new insights into my own life. somone struggling with these inyanim asked a more experianced fellow for help he said thank god for some things. the struggling fellow replied i have nothing to thank god for. the ef said do you have teeth? start with that. rule #1 for me no repeating what i wrote on the previous day so here goes 
i am greatfull to hashem for giving me 
1) a religion where if i started this post yesterday i could debate whether it falls under chukas hagoyim
2) a father who supports me emotionally in my learning
3) a wife who today has a well paying job
4) a son who is so cute 
5) said son while he has special needs is making progress in his speech
6) 3 healthy daughters each one their own persinality (yes i can make that 3 but thats too easy)
7) my body which is physically strong and well
8) my teeth 
9) now im struggling... oh my house which i recently purchased
10) my friends whom i can discuss these type of inyanim personally with

and now for the harder part
1) i am working for Hashem doing the right thing for me by being in yishiva
​2) i painted with no prior experience and it turned out nice
3) i am talented with my hands (proof see above( the reason i need proofs is the reason i need to do these)) 
4)i musht be doing something right in paranting bc my children want to spend time with me
5) i love doing chesed
bezras hashem day #2 will be coming

day #2 feels really hard to continue. i really didnt want to get on the computer to write tonight. i just came back from a chanukah party for two of my kids which i got outvoted by my wife (1 for 1 against) the noise was to loud and too many ppl i didnt know or want to talk to and a parav meal (with fishless sushi) i just want to go to sleep. but to stop on the second day would be a shame so here goes.
i am grateful to Hashem for giving me 
1) good nice siblings
2) a wife 
3)a chance to be in kollel 
4) a nice suit 
5)  heat 
6) my oldest daughter who is inquisitive and excitable 
7)i found in one of the jewish newspapers quoting a gemarah and a mefaresh that perfectly spells out the point i was trying ot make with my wife
8) now i am just thinking negativly about how i came home and our house is a mess even though i took the kids for hours and the baby is crying(andi think #3 also) and i have a headache.... but that kinda defeats the purpose so lets continue..... i had a nice conversation with my wife last night 
9)i got to walk home the rosh hayishivah from a shalom zachor 
10) i have a working minivan.


1) i am patient with my kids most of the time(last year it would have been few times beh next year all the time)
2) a couple of my friends think i can learn the material for semicha in 6 months. wait thats not really self affirmation let me try again. i can learn and pass the test for semicha in 6 months and i can put forth the emotional energy and intensity in order to do that.
3) i really try hard to make my wife happy
4) i can figure out how things work
5) i am able to work well under presure (though i usually crack after.....)

Easy, you forgot one, so I’ll write it for you:

6) I am an incredibly incredible human being that fights on despite the myriad of challenges stacked against me.

Easy, dear friend! I’m so happy to see you here, and doing something so special! I could not imagine even two days of doing this, what a beautiful yet daunting task!

Keep it up, we’re all right behind you!

i am greatfull to hakodosh baruch hu for
1) i am not in debt
2) i was able to help somone out today
3) afternoon sadder was good
4) most of my children slept in
5) i am able to take the time towrite here
6) there is a timer on this device which will sign me off so i wont spend all of cyber monday night looking for deals (many past years)
7) i got a nice chair today
8) dinner was yummy (highlights, the nicer word for leftovers)
9) i had clean clothes today
10) we have money for health insurance
11) my knees feel good

1) i am good at learning
2) i am a good husband even though my wife is not always nice to me
3) i have a connection with hashem
4) i love fellow jews
5)i try really hard to do the right thing

i am grateful to hashem for
1) i was able to take my daughter to the bus this morning
2) my wife made me a healthy dinner to have
3)i will have time to get in the mode (ie have a coffee) before a big shiur tonight
4) i got to spend time with my kids tonight
5)i was able to be there and help my wife 
6) there wasnt as much traffic as i feared today
7) i had lots of chocolate today
8) i read a good book today
9) i dont have to masterbate today
10) i have friends to call

1) i do call people even though it is hard 
2) i am comitted to recovery
3) i am able to learn a hard sugya and get clarity
4) i am able to give my kids attention when they need
5) i am someone worth loving becouse hashem loves me

Easy…this is breathtakingly beautiful!!! 



No words.