I haven't posted on here in quite some time. But I'm filled with so many emotions (that in itself is a miracle) that I felt compelled to share my thoughts at this difficult, and sad time in my life. This afternoon, my 102 year old mother passed away. And I'm sitting here, in sadness, of course, but also in serenity and calm, and in gratitude. That might sound crazy, maybe even insane. But I assure you that it is none of those. I am gratefully living in the fourth dimension that Bill W described in the Big Book. I found that place through working the steps with my sponsor to whom I am eternally grateful. And also with the help of a therapist who knew the program, worked his own program, and helped me by preparing me for the work of doing the steps. And on that journey, I found healing from a terribly traumatic childhood, that included childhood emotional neglect, covert incest and emasculation by my mother. I learned to pray before going in to visit her, to plan my visits to include a rescue call from my secretary timed fifteen minutes after I entered mom's apartment, and frequent resentment inventories when necessary. And BOY oh BOY were they necessary. Hashem did the rest. He continued to give me strength and HIS power and kept my mom alive so that I could do the work I HAD to do. Today I sit here, looking to tomorrow, knowing that I am at peace with my mom. I used to say Hashem had a great sense of humor; he worked it out that at the twlight of her life she would end up living in our home. But it's not laughter I am enjoying tonight. It's joy, and freedom, for the life I LIVE today,. Tomorrow will be challenging, there's a lot of dysfunction in our family, but I know I will weather the storm, by LIVING life, pausing when necessary, and remembering that I have the power that Hashem gives me when I surrender my life to HIM.
