A Frielichen Lechtigan Chanuka everyone!

As I've never had my own corner here on GYE, I think the time has come. I dont want to hijack others threads for myself, so I will be using this thread so share my thought if anyone is interested in them/. I will try to write down any positive uplifting ideas that might help others in this fearful journey we are in.
I will start with my recent trip to Israel! 
Israel
Ive loved Israel since I can remember, I was there the fisrt time when I was 16 and my family went for Sucos. Oh what a wonderful eye-opening experience that was! I felt alive. Afterwards I went there a fe times, I learned there and then went for Honeymoon. The last time I went was 10 years ago, and I have been dreaming of going ever since. Somehow it never worked out. Every one around me was going and coming but me. 
At one point I realized that Hashem doesnt want me to go. And the reason I think was simple, Since I always have crazy urges when going away, something about hotels and being around lots of other goyim next door always aroused me, so i usually fell on trips, almost always..... So Hashem was holding me back from going since it wouldn't be good for me. I sort of stopped dreaming about it. It just wasnt happening. Untill I got a phone call....
Stay tuned......

 Welcome back !!

Didn’t your parents teach you that when you leave for a longer period of time you let your friends know that they shouldn’t worry about you

All the best
No Mask

No, they didn't really........

So back to my story. 
One day i was taking a day off to learn the whole day, i got a call from someone that never calls me. 
"do you have a passport?" 
"yes"
"is it valid?"
"yes"
"do you want to go to Israel?"
"of course i do" 
"i have a ticket for you, i bought one and i dont want to go" 
" ok, im in" 
You see, once Hashem wants you to go, everything just falls into place without doing anything. I saw this as a sign that hashem wants to show me that he is trusting me again to travel. 
That Shabbos right before i left, i went to big mashpia and wonder of wonders in middle of his speech he mentioned that Yerushulayim and Shchem are tied together, one is Yesod and one is Malchus, you cant go to yerushulayim without yesod! I almost fell out of my chair, thats what ive been thinking all week. It looked clear to me that Hashem is telling me, since you have worked so hard to fix your yesod,  you can go to Yerushulayim now. 

But it wasnt so easy as i thought........

Stay tuned for in depth coverage of my trip to Yerushulayim!

It's nice to get those small msgs from Hashem. To me it feels like a small hug reminding me that someone is seeing and appreciating my work. 

staying tuned!!!!!!!!!!
why are you not writing the whole story at ones????????

The days are short and my story long....

So im continuing my story.....
The plan ride was not too bad, only issue is i have something for flight attendants and these were more then usual, but i didn't get carried away BH! Getting ti Israel is such a thrilling expectance that everything sort of falls away. I love it! The weather was also so pleasant it was a gift from heaven. Day one i was busy just absorbing the atmosphere and going back to places i remember from the past everything looked and smelled the same! What an awake daydream it was...... All day running around and finally we got the hotel at night. I turn on the tv because im so used to it, i still have hard time resisting that urge. there was nothing to watch BH/ So i started looking around at the option on the smart TV and to my horrer i saw it has a full browser!!! My heart started pumping from excitement.... its been months since i looked at any P so here is my chance, alone in a hotel to indulge. I knew its not right but the excitement was too great. But One thought kept on coming into my mind 
"ותבואו ותטמאו את ארצי  you come and you defile my land" I felt Hashem telling me, Ive trusted you to finally enjoy some travel, so you come to my holy land and you will defile it? I didnt want to do that> So i turned it off before searching anything at all.
It wasnt easy trust me. I took a bath to calm down and i read a book. 
Then i made a promise that if i looked at anything P tonight, i will need to give a few hundred dollars for tzadakka tomorrow. I went into bed with a gmara and fall asleep till the morning BH! 
Still more to come......

wow wow!

I am amazed of you

Continuing with my story. 
Day was busy running around and going to holy places. Absorbing the Kedusha of Eretz Yisroel! 
I got back to the hotel was late and right away i get triggerd as i said hotels trigger me for some reason, i decided to brows thru the TV to see if there is anything kosher that will distract me untill i fall asleep..... I didnt think there will be anything too bad as im used to the TV in the US where its much more restricted. 
The TV only had a few channels in total, so i was almost ready to shut it off when across the screen flashed some real filth, not P but close to it! My adrenaline flew righ to my heart and i got extemly excited.... I couldnt look away anymore, it was too pleasurable for me. And i was laying there thining forget it, this is it, there is no way you are not falling compeltly, just do it and get it over with and then you can go to sleep, just search some real P and then go in the for the finish, my ind started giving me all ideas what to search for! 
And then i heard the verse again "ותבואו ותטמאו את ארצי  you come and you defile my land"  and i felt terribly guilty and that made me want to do it even more. 
But i got my resolve back NO! I will not defile myself or the holy land more then i did already! My desire to keep travelling overtook my others desire and i was sure that if i fall now, i will not be able to travel for a while. And then i also rememberd all teh GYE members that will hopefully take strenght when i come back and tell this story, so i stopped and got up and went to bed. i needed to fall asleep so as to move on from this desire, and i did. 
Only i woke up a few minutes latter at 1 AM well rested after my nap..... and now what? the desires came back with a vengeance i turned on the TV again and searched for anything that will excite me more...... I still did not look for Porn as that i knew would be a point of not return... so i watched stupid stuff and boring stuff and kept on being aroused and then not and on and off. But i couldnt sleep i was going crazy. I knew that if i just Masturbated then and there it would be over and i would sleep, but i didnt want to! 
I cried to Hashem to help me and it didnt get better, so finally close to 3 I said "Hashem, i dont want this whole thing, i would rather not have this struggle at all, now i need to sleep and i have no strength left to fight, if i fall sleep within the next 15 min is good, otherwise i cant promise anything" 
What do you think? I fell asleep in a few minutes BH! 
I still dont know how i didnt search for porn in that long night, it was a miracle........ 
​Another problem was that i was getting very triggered by people on the street, there are unfortunately lots of non tzniusdinga women on the street and i wasnt ready for that at all. But the next day was spent on holy things all day BH! 

wow!
I look up your strength and self control

Day 3
This was a tough one. I wanted to go up to the the north and go to the holy places there so i knew i want to go in the mikvah. I was very hasitent because i was in a weak state of control with my eyes, But i went anyways. 
I am very happy that i went, because i was able to break the fantasy. I find that going to the mikva regularly actually decreases my desires even if i see soemthign that triggers me. Its still less then not going and thinking that everyone is attractive. 
I cant eaplain it better, but basically, my desires are a huge lie, most of them come in form of fear. 
this is a little snippet "Oi, you might be attracted to that person be it male or female young or old, No im not! Sure you are, here is a thought of them naked doing something sexual" Oh crap, i am insane and a huge pervert!" and on and on this goes. 
Untill i actually am confronted with the real truth, in the beginning i get all excited "im naked and cant get aroused" i will be thrown out" so of course i get aroused.... but after a few minutes i start to see the truth thru the haze of desire..... Yes, some people are prettier then others but nothing to go crazy, and it anyways has nothing to do with me, wake up and live a little outside of the bubble of desire, etc. And then the whole thing crashes to the down. 
So im happy i went to the mikvah because i was able for the rest of the day to complelty be free from desire, i had faced it and turned it down. 

fyi, i don't recommend anyone to do this, im just telling my story. You have to be 1000% sure that you will not fall complelty and do something cv before you can attempt anything like that. 

chancy wrote on 28 Dec 2022 19:36:

I don’t go to the mikvah though I know there are times when I should. The reason I don’t is the idea of getting in that small amount of water where I know a lot of naked men have just been. It kind of freaks me out. Remember I wasn’t raised with any of this. Any thoughts? I’m not meaning to offend anyone. Also, I’m a little afraid someone might see me side-eying them. I’d have to be sure I can keep eyes down.

Thank you so much. I can truly relate to what you ae saying and it is really inspiring. 

chancy wrote on 28 Dec 2022 19:36:

Hi Chancy! Just read through your thread. I AM BLOWN AWAY. You are such a gibbor chayil! How on earth did you stay strong in the face of all those tests? You should be gebentched and continue inspiring us all!