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wagon
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Current streak: 661 days
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Fresh Boarder
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- Posts: 7
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First I’d like to thank the administrators for creating this website!!
Second, some background may help understand me better. I started more than one year ago this journey when I encountered by surprise this site. At first it was very hard, as all of you know, I fell many times until I got to this point. Also, the last time I restarted I coupled with coming to the yeshiva for the first time. Thanks to this, much of the time I was occupied and didn’t think about m and p. But when the times came, I learned to surf the urge (one of the methods that hadn’t work before), and eventually the urges became fewer.
Until last week, during the last week of Sefirat Haomer. Images and memories came at me at any time, and it didn’t matter where or what I was studying. Wow it was hard. I’d try to surf them but they returned afterwards. And it was really difficult the moment before going to sleep, a few times I was really close to falling. But thanks to Hashem I didn’t. Literally speaking, when I saw the urges wouldn’t pass, I’d beg Hashem to help me get through them, which He did!!! 
Now, never before had I asked for his help, I just thought that I could handle it with what I had learned. The incredible thing is that not only did I ask Him for help, but He was the first one I thought about.
Perhaps what led me to this are several things, the emails sent by GYE, learning Torah for some months now, putting a filter on the phone, and a book about Hisbodedus. If you haven’t heard of it, hisbodedus consists basically about speaking to Hashem “face to face” in a quiet place as if He were our “closest friend”, with whom you can talk about anything, from the small things to the big, from the good to the bad; expressing whatever emotion we have inside without any regret. Thus making Him more present in our life by having a closer relationship. Also, by having in mind that these images (remember that they are in my head, more unreal they can’t get) were leading me to a black hole, the only One that could help me was Hashem, there was literally no other way to save me from falling. Although this sounds logical in the aftermath, during that moment somehow I managed to call Him.
The interesting part is that the last shabos these images and memories weren’t constantly popping, the nisayion endured five days (gladfully). But again, thanks to the site and everything that has happened since I joined for the first time, I think I wouldn’t have had a chance.
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