This was posted on a number of topic threads because I'm not sure exactly where it belongs -
I really appreciate this forum and the opportunity to speak openly with guys who really understand my struggle. I really need to share this. I am clean for three weeks but the desire to masturbate is very often overwhelming. Frankly I would give in big time and probably go on a major binge. To tell the truth it is not the aveira itself thats stopping me but the fear of onesh and the fact that if I give in it will really distance me from my relationship with Hashem. I'm certainly not a tzadik or perhaps have the closest relationship with Hashem but I truly believe from the depths of my heart and soul that Hashem is my father. I find myself going to shul late at night when I'm sure I'm absolutely alone and talk to my Father openly without embarrassment and really cry and pour out my heart and soul to Him about everything in my life and my struggles with Shmiras Eynaim and masturbation. If I give in I know it will really distance me from him and it will take a long time and a lot of crying to get back to where I was in my closeness to my Father and I don't want to risk that happening like it did the last time I fell three weeks ago where I not only felt horrible, devestated and guilty but also knew that my relationship with my Father was damaged. The only thing is that those two things are the only things that stop me from masturbating but not the fact that it is an aveira itself. So I really feel lacking in my Yiras Shomayim because of this. Does anyone have any insights or thoughts on this. I would really appreciate my brothers here to share their experiences and feelings with me. I'm sorry this post has been so long but I had a lot to say from my heart. Thanks for listening.

I was actually listening to a class today which discussed the following idea.

The sin is the door prize, the depression/shame/bad feeling is the prize itself for the YH.

If you feel down degected and depressed, you are more likely to continue to "binge" the YH knows that so he says, let me get you on one sin, and the rest will be in the bag.

It's interesting you separated the two ideas

1. Your bad feelings about yourself
2. Your now distanced from hashem.

Regarding bad feelings, there is a time to feel bad, but mostly krias shma at nigh, tachanun, roah chodesh and elul/rh/yk but don't let it consume you.

Regarding the fact that you don't feel a problem with the averah, rather just because it distances you from hashem, that is the whole problem with a averah.

As the Chazal say. Don't say I can't, rather say I can (and I would) but what can i do that my father in heaven doesn't let me.

All what I said is very different than what people call rock bottom. Rock bottom is something addicts (and non ones too) describe as a moment of clarity when theybrealize how distractive there behavior has been and they are willing to do anything to change (including opening up to real people)

Chazal say reshaim melaim charata - bad feelings don't necessarily equate to change.  In order to change, you have to feel ready to do anything.

Put in other words - regret doesn't usually lead to change, but real change can lead to the proper regret.

Sorry for my ramblings, I haven't crystalized my thoughts, I hope you find some of it useful.

I really thank you for your words and insights. They have given me a lot of chizuk. It's not always easy to cry your heart and soul to others. The difference here at gye is the guys really do understand the struggles and by virtue of that understanding we really are brothers.

Just a question : did you analyze what made you fall in the past ?
Did you some work on these triggers ?