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Before V After (part 2)
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TOPIC: Before V After (part 2) 1484 Views

Before V After (part 2) 22 Oct 2018 16:41 #336513

  • notgod
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Acceptance
Before recovery:  I considered myself a good frum believing Jew, with plenty of bitachon in Hashem.

After entering recovery:  I came to understand that I had zero trust in Hashem to run my life.  I was convinced that really I was the one in control.  It was all good saying that Hashem runs the world etc , but it was always with a big "provided" that everything worked out on my terms.  I have come to realise that when I get angry and frustrated when life doesn't work out exactly as I want it to, I am basically saying to God:
"excuse me God, but you're not really doing a good job of running my life.  If I was in charge, I would have a much better job, wife etc...". 
In short, my Ego says I can do a better job of running my life and I know much better than God does what is best for me.

This is why I found Step 3 so hard and yet so crucial to my recovery:
Step 3 - one of the most challenging parts for me of making a decision to "turn our lives over to [God]" is that I am not just turning my lust over to God, but every single aspect of my life,  including my finances, my wife's emotions and the well-being of my children.  All the things that I thought previously I was in charge of.
I need to learn to accept life on God's terms, not mine.  I know that Hashem can't possibly do a worst job of running my life than I had all those years before recovery, when I thought I was in control of my life.
I have come to accept (one day at a time), that it is my own personal God, who loves me unconditionally and has infinite power, running the show, and nothing, nothing happens by chance and everything has a reason.

Honesty
I have also come to realise that real honesty is when I am able to admit my "truth" to another (safe) human being.
Ideas and thoughts that I keep locked in my head often have no connection to reality or the truth and until I am willing to share them, I am not at one with them.

Oneexample of many:  I have always 'known' and preached to others that parnassa is in God's hands.  However I never 'lived this truth' until I was able to admit openly and honestly to a friend that I am a failure at making money and the successes I enjoyed in the past were only because of Hashem.  

Re: Before V After (part 2) 22 Oct 2018 17:04 #336514

  • Eyeglasses
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Every word of yours is pure Gold!!
Last Edit: 22 Oct 2018 17:04 by Eyeglasses. Reason: missing word
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