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Lust was my Solution: Before V After
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If you've made progress - thank G-d, double your merit by inspiring others as well! Post the tips and advice that worked best for you in your journey to sobriety or tell us about recommendations you heard from others that work.
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TOPIC: Lust was my Solution: Before V After 430 Views

Lust was my Solution: Before V After 11 Oct 2018 17:34 #336146

  • notgod
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Before Recovery
Before I entered recovery I thought I was basically a good frum guy who had only one problem which I figured was common to many men, I watched too much pornography on the internet.
I prayed with a minyan three times a day and had a daily morning and evening chavrusa.

I truly believed that if only Hashem would take away my struggle with the internet I would be a big Tzadik!!

Living a life of continued recovery and discovery
Through the free gifts of the 12 steps, my sponsor, the fellowship of SA and a new unconditional loving relationship with Hashem, I have come to learn many things about myself and what works for me on a daily basis to continue growing in my recovery.  I will try with Hashem's help to share a few of these, hopefully without making this post too long or boring

Some of things I now know, that I didn't know 3.5 years ago:
  • Lust was my only Solution that worked

Lust and pornography was not my problem after all, but in a sense, was my only solution!  I came to understand that I couldn't stand living life on life's terms.  My actual real problem is not being able to cope with living an ordinary every day life, like normal healthy people do.  I just couldn't tolerate the ordinary, normal every day stuff, of wife, kids, job etc etc.  Lust and pornography was the only medication that worked for me to effectively to remove my internal pain of just living every day as a normal healthy person.  And it worked too!  While acting out I effectively escaped from all my pain.  (Of course, I came crashing back to my painful reality after every episode.)
  • a dysfunctional relationship with Hashem

Despite my 'frum-from-birth' up-bringing, schooling and many years learning in yeshiva (or perhaps because of them!!)  I was convinced that each time I sinned or acted out Hashem would punish me that day or the next.  My relationship with Hashem was one of fear and retribution.  I had zero love or trust in Hashem.  My game plan was to try my best to ensure that Hashem stayed out of my way, and provided He would just not mess things up for me, I would be able to run my life perfectly...
  • a whole host of character defects

Far from being almost a Tzadik, I came to see that I have numerous character defects, including, a large fragile ego, selfishness, a talent for dishonesty, low self-esteem and feelings of failure, co-dependency issues, anger issues and a deep unexplainable daily fear of impending doom.
  • PG, to be continued....

Re: Lust was my Solution: Before V After 11 Oct 2018 18:50 #336149

  • mikestrucking
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That's a gr8 post! thanks. 
In my case I know all of that yet I can't stay sober. I absolutely need two things to stay sober: God's grace and I need to take the actions of the program. 
Thanks again. 
Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives. 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Re: Lust was my Solution: Before V After 11 Oct 2018 19:31 #336152

  • moish u.k.
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Wow nG

Thanks for sharing my story.

But I wonder how you even know me...

Re: Lust was my Solution: Before V After 12 Oct 2018 10:51 #336163

  • notgod
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Agreed.
In my experience no amount of knowledge and understanding will keep me sober.  I had read plenty of books including the GYE forums, and listened to the advice and experience of others.  Nothing worked. 

My only solution is working the program on a daily basis. 

I am just sharing some of the things that were revealed to me as I worked the steps.

Thanks
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