I decided to write these things during the day after I fell in the early morning and told myself that I will write them all down at night, and I did. If any of you guys can relate please comment. Thanks.
1. I felt like I had the attitude of "@*#! it" because I started to feel like people are in my way.
2. Everyone seemed happier than me.
3. I felt like I had lost my guard and I didn't even care. (Maybe it's a good thing because I often have a huge guard on)
4. I felt like I didn't care anymore and started to talk to any girl, but in a way ruined the connection.
5. My needs have changed and I became more aware of them after I fell.
6. I felt a greater need for support and sympathy.
7. I had a strange feeling of desire of fighting someone because of frustration or because something didn't make sense.
8. I seemed to not give a @#$% about the words I say. I guess is lost hope.
9. I started to become and feel really competitive with people and started to take everything to heart.
10. Old friends somehow becomes new, could it be because of the guilt and a feelings of having someone let down.
11. I wonder what the invisibles issues are.
12. When I was sober I felt really more yielding and really felt like a teddy bear who let's others "step" over me, but after I felt I couldn't let anyone walk over me at all.
13. After I feel I started feeling a great need for advice or for company, could be because I needed someone to calm me down because I really felt like I was doing something wrong. Than after I feel I become really thirsty dr advice and for other people's help and sympathy.
14. Felt a great need for others to say that I am good and great.
15. I feel like feelings started to be more dramatic.
16. I feel like everyone is out to he me and to expose my weaknesses. I try harder to not expose my weaknesses.
17. After I fell I felt much weaker in my decisions.
18. I feel like real me shows up when I'm not clean, because once I get clean it becomes easier for me to control myself and my feelings.
19. After I fellI I seem to not have a problem with saying things out of anger. When I was clean I always tried to control to anger.
20. Why was she denying me so badly? Was it because he felt like I was being needy with her? But I didn't realise that I was grass passing into her personal space.
21. After I fell indefinitely became more aware of my accomplishments and y egos needs to be expressed. But whenever I tried to express my ego I was quickly denied by others.
22. I hate to be sober because it makes me a much kinder and considerate person which I hate being because that's when everyone steps on me. I'd rather be mean and thuggish like Eminem and show the world who I am which is a much greater pleasure and it's something I always wanted to do.
23. My approach to things changes. She would have talked to me if I was sober.
24. Truth is that more girls are attracted to me when I was sober and conversations went easier without me feeling anxious.
25. I started feeling more of a loser.
26. I started feeling jealous because some girls wouldn't talk to me.
27. After I fell I started feeling a problem with sharing my personal identity and such.
28. I lose my ego when I was clean, that's why I hate being clean.
29. I feel bad because I avoided my true issues when I was sober. After I fell I saw that even though I was clean for that long, I hadn't change myself.