I am 40 days sober today. How did I make it this far? By not thinking too far in the future, by taking it only one day or even one hour at a time. By recognizing temptations as utter bullBAD WORD REMOVED sent from another source other than my father in heaven. However, each temptation to act out in my addiction, including viewing porn, is a gift. It is an opportunity to make my connection to God. Without that moment of temptation, I would not know how to overcome it in the future, and I also would not know the sweet feeling of knowing he is on my side, he loves me, and I have the right to love myself. I got to 40 days by loving myself and being forgiving for my mistakes, even my outright rebellious actions. I got this far by loving God and learning how to trust him. Right now, this moment, I am just as likely to fall to my addiction as I was on day one, but I am just thinking about it much less. I know that I still walk this tightrope, and it takes constant vigilance. I meditate and relax often. I pray and talk to God like I would talk to a friend. I try to eat right and exercise. I go to 12 step meetings as often as is convenient. I went to 365 meetings April 1 2013 to April 1 2014, but now I don’t worry about making sure I have an average of one per day. I don’t bury my feelings; that can be the most dangerous thing. I talk them out with someone. I open up so that I don’t isolate myself, another big danger to my sobriety. I am still at the point where I must consciously not touch myself. I have noticed some peaceful, non-sexual times where I felt great gratitude for my whole body, including the sexual parts, but without the compulsion to arouse myself. Another thing that has helped me is mindfulness. I am in the moment; in the Now. I pay attention to what I am doing without the thoughts. I realize that I am not the thinker. I am the observer of the thinker. I know it sounds deep, but it works for me.
I feel physically healthy, but a bit tired from the long rehearsal and drive late last night. Emotionally, I feel a little bit reserved and quiet. Mentally, I feel fairly sharp. Spiritually I feel connected to God. Socially I have more confidence and Sexually I feel like we are healing and progress is being made.
I admit I am powerless over lust. I desire sobriety for the next 24 hours, and I commit to you that I will do whatever it takes to keep myself sober, and I know that any and all lust hits are toxic to me. I had a victory over a lust temptation this morning when I got hard in the shower when I turned it cold. I just breathed and meditated and prayed and asked for help with that moment. I feel like I spent time with my higher power yesterday when I knelt down by my bed before retiring. I also spent time reading sacred writings and pondering their meaning in my life.
I am grateful for this accountability email system I have developed with several accountability partners. I have quite a few contacts whom I correspond with, and it is very helpful. I am willing to turn my life and my will over to the care of God, because I know that it is only through him that I can maintain my sobriety.
“Without God, I Can’t. Without Me, God Won’t.”
Loren
