It has only been a few days and I already feel as though I conquered it. How quickly does the yetzer hara work?! I am so shocked that I actually feel as though the fight is over I do not even have to work anymore. It is crazy to see that my body can feel one way while my mind knows a different reality. Or perhaps they are both ideas in my mind and are battling it out to see who can conquer the center stage of my brain. I know so well already that not only have I not beaten this, but I can never beat it. I will have to surrender is all I can do. I have to look to Hashem and with eyes wet with tears ask him to kindly take these desires from me. Because I know that if I do not sooner or later, and most likely sooner, I will fall. Because that is where this thinking leads to.
I had always heard that doing mitzvos and learning תורה was done in order to have your mindset reflect that of Hashem’s. So I was wondering why is it that even though I do those things I still definitely do not have that mindset? I realize now that the answer is obvious. It is one thing to simply go through the motions and do rituals in order to serve quite another to realize that there is an all encompassing idea that these mitzvos are trying to get through to you. That idea is that Hashem is the Master of the world and without Him I cannot do anything but with Him I am invincible. But the problem with me is that I did not want to accept this idea of the mitzvos I wanted to be the one in charge! I wanted to call the shots and be at center stage! So the mitzvos are useless to me to get close to Hashem because I have perverted them so that I may continue to serve myself! The only way to turn this whole thing around is to first realize that Hashem is the shot caller and He is on my team! Once that idea is completely without any reservations whatsoever in my mind, then and only then will His mitzvos and תורה be able to do the job that they have been set up to do. IYH I will realize everyday little by little that Hashem is the Master of the world and I am here at His service not my own.

I get the same thing- I'm only on day 21, and I'm already thinking ahead to day 90. It's at that stage the Yetzer Hara's gonna get you. We always have to be on guard.

I've made it almost to 2 months. The Y''H gets more crafty and dangerous the more we think we're doing well. Every single day is a struggle. That's why I'm 2 days short of 2 weeks clean.

For us, I suspect, the fight will never end. The good news is, I believe it's a fight we can ultimately win.