I am trying to come up with ideas to penalize myself for acting out. something i will have to do after to make up for it. I saw the ones on the handbook, but they didn't really seem like good ideas for me. If I can just hear some things that you guys do, maybe I can figure out what is best for me.

Just an observation based on your post.  There are two approaches to parenting and training in general.  One is a penalty for doing something wrong the other is an incentive for doing something right.  Most educators and therapists prefer the incentive method.  I beleive that there are several reasons for this.  First by focusing on the penalty for doing something wrong you are setting yourself up and almost expecting yoourself to do something wrong.  Second, positive reinforcement gives you a better feeling about yourself and yourself worth.  Third, if you penalize yourself once you feel you are capable of telling yourself, once I have to pay the price I might as well continue.
So what are some kosher rewards you can give yourself.  Do you like seforim, jewish music, eating out?  Makeup that for every week that you are sober you will reward yourself with X.  If you are not in a postion to do this yourself, maybe you can get your parents to help you out.  Just tell them that you are working on your ruchnayis, and it was suggested that you setup an incentive program for yourself would they like to help fund out.  You don't have to give them the specifics.
Whatever you do, it should be with hatzlacha.

Some knas ideas:
Mop the floor... scrub the toilets... clean the park.... put away all the sefarim in the beis medrash..... fold all the laundry.... read the whole sefer tehilim...

It took me a real long time until I finally figured out that my acting out was really the best penalization there could be. I mean I felt terrible and even before it was completed I knew I would feel terrible. Why, because it IS terrible!
    In my fried brain, there exists a few crossed wires where things get completely mixed up.  I used to think that: Acting out was really pleasureable. It was something good, and I wanted more and more. Even if I had to lie, cheat, and take dangerous risks. I felt as if I was in control, by taking control of screwing up my life.
  Then, when I tried to stop, I saw that I really wasn't in control....because I couldn't stop.
  We all really do want good for ourselves. Success, Simcha, Arichas yomim etc, and there was a time when I thought that this(acting out) really was good.
  Now, I see what was good, is bad, and what I thought was bad, (not being able to take the liberty to act out is really good.
      The best way to try to stop acting out is to be aware of your matzav ruach way before the game begins. Because, when you let your pain go on and on, ti usually builds up until it becomes to late to prevent the acting out. 
    One 12 step suggeston is to become of service to to others which enables you to get out of your own head.
  So, as guard suggested, cleaning toilets is a way to get you out of your head. And, it is better to clean a toilet then to become one!

Hi There,

I am still quite new here and also used to think of ways to penalize myself but found that I would never actually do that which I said I would. I once heard that you could commit to giving some tzedoka if you were to fail... but again my problem was that I would find a way out of that.

I just had a thought for you though. you could use a great combo of the 2 methods- ie penalties as well as incentive. you could set aside a sum of money - an amount you wouldn't be comfortable just giving away. The trick comes in that you put that money in an envelope with a date on it - you choose how long you want to try and go for and give it to a close friend and tell them that if you havent asked for the money by that date, they should give it to Tzedaka. if you manage to last, then you score the money back as a "prize".

TG I have been clean for a while now and haven't been in need of that but please let me know if that works for you keep up the good work and believe in yourself

Just a question because I do not understand:

If we have not been able to trust ourselves to keep the boundary of not masturbating ourselves, then where do we get the idea that we'd keep the boundary of the k'nas or reward?

I have never heard of a seal training itself to jump through a flaming hoop correctly, by giving itself mackerels as appropriate.

Just wondering.

I totally agree with this:


dov wrote on 12 Dec 2011 17:46:


I kept reading that a k'nas would be helpful so I wanted to try it. What I came up with was after acting out to give 100$ to tzedakah, go to the mikvah, and not use the internet for 3 days afterwards. I also took the advice of another member to make an incentive too. I said that for every week I am clean I will get something myself (haven't figured out what yet) for the first month and after that every two weeks a prize for the second month and then a big prize for 3 whole months and then see where im holding. (but this is all considering I im'y make it for 90 consecutive days; which i haven't made it past two weeks before so it's gonna be tough)
      Anyways so that was my plan. I was first tested an hour ago. I was so close to giving in and as all the knasim and rewards filled around in my head they seemed to be nothing. My yetzer hara started telling me "so you will start the knas program after this one." and "are you really gonna give 100$ and do all the other stuff now and forever" and the more i thought of it the less value the knasim had. It really isn't easy to keep to these knasim if you are the one that has to make sure you carry them out.
    Baruch Hashem, i didn't act out. My next battle plan i set up before was that whenver I have a strong urge to get on GuardYour Eyes and start reading, posting, and getting my mind back to " i need to stop this addiction". this is really really helpful. and it stopped me, made me think for a second, and then had the ability to get out of the house and go do something else. i feel great because it has not been many times that i conquered a strong urge.
    I think this idea is great:

A_new_begining wrote on 12 Dec 2011 14:39:


    This is genious bec. it makes me give it away before the taavah kicks in and then you have no control. I also think this is a good way for me to have money to get a present. I will continue trying this mehalach and hope for the best.
    If anyone has more suggestions (especially for a good incentive to get my self a geshmake gift) please post it. This is waht helps me the most talking with others

Dear chaver:

Hatzlocha Rabbah!!
Love,

Dov