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While it may not be worth much, I will PM you my comment, bl"n. However I must say this for the record:

The single most important thing that you are allowed to do with your wife is to love her.

I assume what you are really asking about is whether it is OK to lick her body in various places or for her to do the same for you, or about sex in different positions, and such. But all that is really not going to satisfy you for more than an hour or so. Then you'll have to do it again and a little differently, etc. It will not make you happy, nor will it make her happy. In fact, it will make you both miserable. This is poshut.

So. Instead, I am talking to you in what you really want and need to remember:

She is your wife. The only reason it is OK for you to put yourself inside her and be sexual with her is because she is your wife. What does that mean?

She is your wife, so she is your Malchus. Your Malchus is your avodas Hashem bichlalus. In other words, she is a symbol of your neshoma being put into asiyah - into action. Literally. Your sex with her, iy"H, is symbolic of that.

If you know chassidus or kabolah a bit, you will figure out exactly what I mean by this yet it will still not make a difference to you. Why do I say this?

You (as I naturally am) are naturally way too self-absorbed for any of this philosophical business to change your attitude toward her body - specifically towards having sex with her body. So then why am I even saying any of this to you?

Because when you have experimented with all the sexual things you want to do with her, you will remember that the only thing you can ever be satisfied by as a married man, is to deeply love your wife.

I assume you are really frum guy and were brought up in a toiradigeh home. So I want to ask you: Have you been taught how to love a woman yet? Or is really being in love with a woman - not 'romance', but real love - something you have any idea how to do?

The RMB"M assumes that you know exactly what loving a real woman is about, because he uses being crazy in love with a woman as his prime example of how we are to be in love with Hashem. He even calls it "crazy in love" (be'ahavosoh tishgeh tomid). Is that prust? Is it as prust as talking about your concerns is in as clear a way as you request?

I would be happy to discuss any sexual details you'd like and the things I have heard from rabbonim about doing them with the one's wife. I will even be happy to share with you exactly what my wife and I do and do not do physically, if that is what you need to hear.

But it is poshut to me that none of that will save you, even if you are not an addict. Even if you are a normal frum male, knowing these details will not save you. Unless you already have the ability to communicate directly and openly with your wife about sex matters, in a loving and totally honest way. She will probably not understand what you are talking about. She will probably feel very differently than you do about what is nice in bed with you, and what is ridiculous or even repulsive. And that is part of marriage - learning how to talk openly and lovingly about everything - even those things, without being insulting and hurtful. Understanding is far more important than admiration, in the long run.

And physically speaking, until you know what she likes and what she doesn't like, you will not be able to please her. And as long as sex is basically only about doing what you like (after you find out what is mutar and assur :), then sex will only push you further apart.

And Hashem clearly intends sex with our wives to bring us closer together, as the act itself symbolizes. To be on the same page, not just in the same bed - that is the ikkar in enjoying sex...which Hashem clearly wants you two to do!

Hatzlocha Rabbah!

Yaakov123, welcome.  You may not realize it but the advice you were given by Dov is probably one of the most valuable pieces of advice that you will receive with respect to your marriage.  If you stick to it, you will get pleasure beyond your wildest dreams.

As for what's muttar and ossur since you've indicated elsewhere that you are just starting to date its probably better to hold off learning about all of that until it becomes l'maseh.  Right now there is probably a lot you can learn from this site with respect to the issues that brought you to this site and which will help prepare your to be the best possible husband you can be.  Hatzlacha

yaakov123 wrote on 31 Jul 2011 05:20:

Dear Yaakov,

Please do not feel ashamed or sorry to have asked. You are 100% right to ask these questions. All I wanted to point out was that even if you'd get the exact answers you seek, you'd be in the exact same big trouble. Whether we can do sex this way, do that, or get this....they do not solve our problem, at all.

The main problem I see, is the isolation from our spouses that our inner desires cause. Whether they are fulfilled by the spouse or not - they are a wall between us. Even if our spouses would 'do all the right things', would they really want them all? No, they would not. Even if they had sexual desires to kind-of match ours, would we want basically the same thing? No, we would not. That is nust the nature of marriage. Men and women are different.

And the porn twists our expectations totally out of reality. It tells us that women want sexual experimentation even more than men do. That the fun coming to us could be and should be basically awesome most of the time (if not all the time)....and it is not. It's just not. Hashem did not create our sexuality to be as big a deal as we make it, especially in this society. Yet we men are affected by it so deeply that we do not even recognize how stupid we are when it comes to a good sexuality that works!

Eventually, we sadly discover that our sexuality brings us apart, instead of bringing us together. But don't get me wrong - that does not mean we have a bad marriage, nor does it only happen to addicts! A bit of that kind of tension and clashing is quite normal, I guess. But look here: you two are not even married yet, and see how it drives you apart on the inso=ide. And do you share this sexual angst? Is she preoccupied with how good or bad the sex will be, and what do so about it? Does it matter to her what positions or acts are going to be OK - because she wishes they would be? I doubt it. It has even separated you from your rebbi. You can't even pose the issue to him. It's a wall-maker, this thing.

So what am I saying?

1- To please open up about this to those who you really trust. Your rebbi is married, I presume. He has sex with his wife, I presume. I presume he wants it to be nice, too....though there are a few men out there who are either too old to care any more (and think that everybody else should be too old to care, too!), and some who never did care in the first place....but very few, I bet. If he answers you that there should be no pleasure for you at all anyhow, then you have learned one thing, at least: that he is not really your rebbi. Find another one, quick.

2- To look for the ways you can relate to your kallah/wife and accentuate them as much as possible. There are many things that bring you close - sex is just one of them. It is certainly not the main one, no matter what anybody else says. It's not. It's a brocha that comes out of good closeness...yes. It's one sign of a good relationship...maybe. It's reserved and only for one with whom you share life-time aspirations with...definitely. But there are ways you are brought much more intimate with your wife than by what you do with your bodies. Like telling the truth to each other; always being there for each other; putting each other first before all other people (even before your kinderlach, even before your chavrusa, and even before your rebbi or your parents); respecting each other and consistently looking out for each other's dignity...and other things. Sex does not rank up there with those things - especially for your wife. 

So get nervous now. But not as much about the sex issue:

"will I be satisfied?" - you won't ever be fully satisfied permanently!

"will I be able to get this or do that?" - yes, you probably can do and ask for all or most of that stuff from her and will....but those things quickly lose their sweetness when they are not truly mutual pleasures and part of your sweet, loving relationship in the bed with your wife. We typically do them once, twice, then we just see how empty they were and are shocked to find ourselves wondering what the big deal ever was. Hey - that's growing up.

So get nervous about the really intimate stuff - the love: How will I love this woman? What does she like in a huband? Does she care about me being on time all the time? Does she care about honesty far more than I do? Does she define it the same way I do? Does she have fears? Can I be strong for her around those issues and protect her? Does she expect something I cannot give her? How can we get really close in the ways that matter? - and all the rest will flow naturally as a result.

Our marriage is working on this and that is how I know anything about this. My wife and I are working and trying to improve our lives and our intimacy, including getting more on the same page when it comes to everything and even sex. It is a work in progress, chaver.

If it would all be about the sex, our marriage would be dead in the water right now. But because we do not have the same walls we used to have while I was crazy-acting-out (for about 15 years) and in full-blown addiction and have been sober for a while in recovery, we now can have intimacy and can communicate about anything and everything, and we are growing healthier in this too, be"H.